tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316140452024-03-07T03:03:35.774-05:00free rad!calsstephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.comBlogger630125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-43336954359260375312020-08-15T16:48:00.003-04:002020-08-15T16:50:15.161-04:00Bodiesnotes from my visit to <a href="https://luxor.mgmresorts.com/en/entertainment/bodies-the-exhibition.html" target="_blank">the Bodies exhibit</a>, Las Vegas strip, summer of 2012 (<a href="https://stephanie-lee.blogspot.com/2020/08/west-coast-to-east-and-back-again.html" target="_blank">en route to New York via the heartland of our country</a>).
<div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3TsVZhkqzckGy0Nfvy6-7MQdLI9yLgF7RlyhNT_DG2I46hHkBeSIiT-BsjFbt29njq2Ss5_SrbbWps03wAcbKkMub8TPxv81nilObJ-JyMIaEM0W2cqUbGzCa0d4RJqlHfmh9/s1920/luxor-attractions-bodies-exhibit-internal-torso-display.tif.image.1920.1080.high.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1920" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3TsVZhkqzckGy0Nfvy6-7MQdLI9yLgF7RlyhNT_DG2I46hHkBeSIiT-BsjFbt29njq2Ss5_SrbbWps03wAcbKkMub8TPxv81nilObJ-JyMIaEM0W2cqUbGzCa0d4RJqlHfmh9/w400-h225/luxor-attractions-bodies-exhibit-internal-torso-display.tif.image.1920.1080.high.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div>Bodies.</div><div>the value of certain bodies over others</div><div>cutting up / butchering to put on display makes it more animal / more object</div><div> than human</div><div><br /></div><div>American-centric (poses, activities)</div><div>baseball, football, basketball, darts, conductor, frisbee</div><div>private parts - demeaning</div><div>pieces of faces</div><div>keeping bodies intact</div><div>death rituals / thinking about the souls of deceased</div><div>donated, unclaimed bodies -- outside of Beijing</div><div><br /></div><div>argue: doctors use bodies for medical training all the time</div><div>different intent: donated bodies, medical benefit, education</div><div>while these are educational exhibits, there's also some element of freak show shock and awe in the experience/display -- gore element that seemed disrespectful</div><div><br /></div><div>Bodies purpose -- "become an informed participant in your own healthcare"</div><div>"the specimens in this exhibit have been treated with the dignity and respect they deserve" -- afterthought on last wall of exhibit</div>stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-71475771332197730912020-08-15T16:37:00.009-04:002020-08-15T16:37:57.286-04:00West Coast to East (and back again)notes from my second (!!) move from California to New York, summer-ish 2012. left a Silicon Valley job to go to grad school out east, chasing love, running away from myself. i got this in a fortune cookie: "every man should seek to learn what he is running from, to, and why."
notes found scrawled on the back of an envelope, stuffed into glovebox, to be rediscovered in 2020, as i start to think about moving back out West.
everything [sic]
Arizona:
cool and green
what is it a/b the Arizona landscape that makes the sunset so beautiful?
N.Mex:
coyote nights
howling at the moon
Vegas:
oversexed
drag show/talent show/circus freak
Grand Canyon:
layers of red, yellow, ocre, orange, gray
like jell-o cake
Sante Fe:
trees illuminated with a thousand lights
milky way
fried egg and red/green chile
Kansas:
red moon lightning skies
sleeping in the gracious shadow of a McDonald's parking lot
Iowa:
corn fields and crappy roads
feeling tired of driving and missing home
#writing stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-44292000428131298482020-07-12T23:06:00.001-04:002020-07-12T23:07:01.580-04:00review of Parakeet<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/51542251-parakeet" style="float: left; padding-right: 20px"><img border="0" alt="Parakeet" src="https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1572990685l/51542251._SX98_SY160_.jpg" /></a><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/51542251-parakeet">Parakeet</a> by <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5814200.Marie_Helene_Bertino">Marie-Helene Bertino</a><br/>
My rating: <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3380878179">5 of 5 stars</a><br /><br />
A delightful, strange, and punchy book that I assumed would be whimsical and cutesy but surprised me with its darkness and depth. I knew little about the book when I started (woman is a week away from her wedding when her dead grandmother visits her as a parakeet -- seemed intriguing enough!) but the whole of the story was so much more than that simple premise. It is about family, grief, belonging, trying to understand the most elusive people in one's life (usually family), and trying to seek out happiness in the difficult contexts that conspire against you. <br /><br /><blockquote>"This is what they call trauma logic, which is indistinguishable from dream logic."</blockquote><br />This book was dreamy -- not in a pastel, confectionary, lightness of being way, but the way REAL dreams are: mostly terrifying, illogical, scattered, haunting, uncanny. The way dreams feel like deja vu sometimes. The way dreams feel after you wake up from them -- troubling or persistent, gnawing. The first half was surreal and dreamy (I was reminded of Barry Yourgrau's "Wearing Dad's Head" -- another fantastic book featuring familial absurdity), the second half more grounded and much too short. I could have read more but loved how succinct it was (no flourishes, another trait of this book, though there were many phrases and descriptive choices that sang to me -- my version is covered in highlights of some of my favorites).<br /><br />Parakeet examines a multitude of human relationships -- the social expectations of marriage, of course, but also platonic love, lust, familial relationships and duties, what it means to be connected or tethered to other human beings. It depicts love and connection in various forms and is emotive, while still somehow being distant (using the word "love" feels too contrite, the word itself losing meaning from overuse). Parakeet also depicts trauma and its effect on someone's experiences ("the mean trick of trauma is that like a play it has no past tense. It is always happening.") -- an interesting conceit that recurs and replays in poignant ways throughout the story.<br /><br />A stunning book, high on my list of books that I delighted in reading, but also challenged me (Saunders' Lincoln in the Bardo is another one I hold in high regard and would be on the same list).
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/9115421-stef-lee">View all my reviews</a>
stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-23363160273567634662020-07-04T16:09:00.001-04:002020-07-04T16:10:16.269-04:00gratitude<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span data-offset-key="3i91p-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I think learning gratitude is really just the process of growing up. Of learning that everything you enjoy now is the product of sacrifice, hard work, dedication, selflessness. The investment of time, commitment, hope in a future that is better than the past.</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="f3kdc-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I was thinking today about my Mom. Thinking about a book I wrote, as a kid, that described being an adult as "getting to do whatever you want," like dragging your kid around on errands when all they want is to go home. Then I thought about the times as a kid, going with Mom all over town to help her shop for things, how that was our way of spending time together. I learned to shop and be a consumer from these trips. But I imagine for my mom, it was nice to have someone to do that with, and also, to have the means to buy what you want, that was a luxury. That was the American Dream. That was something that felt very independent and luxurious, coming from a past where her family had so little, only one of the three kids got to eat meat at dinner, the rest only got soy sauce on rice until the next time they were the lucky one.</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bh1q8-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I started to think about how every generation tries to make life better for the next. How my mom grew up with so little, and her Mom with even less. My mom's life growing up was unimaginable to her Mom, my life now so pampered compared to what my Mom had. Ever generation doing what they can so the pains and hardships they endured could be a little more faded for the next. More room for joy, for carelessness, for the freedom of unburdenness. </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="c08qj-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">But this realization pains me. Thinking about all my Mom, my Grandma, have done so I could know a different life. I will never know their pain. They will never know the same joys. This hurts me, feels like distance insurmountable.</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5oc26-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">To be grateful is to see that sacrifice, born of love, and hope to perpetuate that forward, in gratitude for what was given me. </span></div>
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stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-27223214512657564602015-06-26T18:46:00.000-04:002015-06-26T18:47:49.853-04:00celebrate<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="215" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/oSn62VEJFYs" width="460"></iframe><br />
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today is my half birthday. it marks the halfway point in the last year of my 20s. i thought i'd be more afraid to grow old but as i get closer and closer to the edge of the next decade i view it not as being at a peak about to be pulled inevitably downhill, but standing on the edge of a step in the side of a mountain, peering ahead at what the climb holds ahead.<br />
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one thing though, about youth coming to a supposed end, is that i'm aware my body and its capabilities might not remain the same. one way i've been made aware of this is in my yoga practice. for now i feel stronger than i've ever been, but i've accepted that might change, that my wrists might one day fail, that my knees may start to ache, that joints will harden. and with as much yoga as i've done in the last 5 years, i realized i've never ever seen myself except in pictures others take of me. this is fine, it's a spiritual and mindfulness thing for me more than anything, but in a lot of ways my practice is also a tribute to my self, my body, and coming to terms with the fact that this vessel, which i always reviled as a child, is capable of so much more than i ever realized. it is possible to transcend the physical, to be more than a body, and that comes first from accepting and loving yourself completely. yoga showed me that. so now the ultimate test: can i film/photograph myself doing my most cherished thing, and still love it, still love my body, not objectify or scrutinize my self as i see it in this mediated mirror?<br />
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so for the last 6 months of my 20s, i'm going to try a project: i'm going to document every day with a yoga self-portrait. yoga, more than anything else i've discovered for myself in my 20s, has taught me so much about who i am, the person i want to be, the strength i possess, and how to open my heart to the world around me. it seems appropriate then, to use yoga as a medium for capturing the gratitude i have for life, for my body, for my sense of self, and for the changes in store for me as time marches ever onward. in doing this, i hope to capture the strength i have now, reflect on how i've grown, and the journey i continue to take.<br />
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here's to living each day of this decade with as much beauty, grace, strength, passion, groundedness, and mindfulness as possible.<br />
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with love,<br />
stefstephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-59205016350087467862015-04-16T09:25:00.002-04:002015-06-22T15:12:39.868-04:00reflectiona year ago i was in a really dark place -- i'd never felt so lost, worthless, and depressed. i left my job, my relationship was falling apart, my health was deteriorating, my dad was in a bad accident. i felt alienated and alone and powerless.<br />
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happily, a lot has changed in a year! i have an amazing job that i love and allows me to make an impact on people all over the world, an amazing team that feels like a family, a wealth of amazing friends who accept me despite my faults, and my family is in good health, close enough for regular visits, and have been immensely supportive as i've worked to figure myself out. i couldn't be more grateful for the journey of the last year and everything it has taught me about love, life, and my self.stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-27432438711908303262015-02-13T21:47:00.002-05:002015-02-13T21:48:04.772-05:00love loud and love oftenit's amazing to me how frequently society overvalues romantic relationships while ignoring the power of all the other loving relationships in our lives. every day of the year, but this time of year especially, i celebrate the relationships i am so lucky and blessed to have, with my family, my friends, my colleagues. love abounds around me and i am grateful every day for all of it. #unvalentinesday #galentinesday #palentinesdaystephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-41847054489669969392014-08-22T08:50:00.005-04:002014-08-22T08:50:59.764-04:00love life; live to love<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
sometimes we need the reminder:</div>
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<br />stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-41270843848607387572014-08-20T15:27:00.003-04:002014-08-20T15:27:38.631-04:00can't get enoughi finally finished grading papers for the Conflict Management course i taught earlier this month. started packing up boxes of my stuff today. AND, found the time to record some new uke songs! check them out:<br />
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<br />stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-76896862380461356582014-08-16T14:40:00.004-04:002014-08-16T14:40:27.351-04:00Oh Girl<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
i wish i didn't suck at bar chords! my piano and violin-trained fingers just don't want to get flat against the finger board like that.</div>
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<br />stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-84848568930207703462014-08-16T13:22:00.000-04:002014-08-16T13:22:10.363-04:00bildungsromanthoughts on Richard Linklater's <i>Boyhood</i>:<br />
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<ol>
<li>the conspicuous role of music in creating atmosphere - like a diegetic time capsule (i'm sure i wasn't the only one in the theater last night who felt transported back to a certain time... for me it was college)</li>
<li>the hair! Patricia Arquette's hair in particular (gorgeous!). the film was such a tremendous feat, can you imagine planning a 12-year filming project, getting all the footage you need, planning ahead enough knowing there will be no going back as time marches ever onward? obviously the actors were playing characters within a story prepared for the film, but the mind-blowing thing about it for me is that over 12 years, there must have been some blurring of those lines. for instance, with the hair, i imagine Linklater had to allow the actors to change their appearance as needed, for personal and professional purposes, so i assume all hair choices were made totally independent of the film. so, that was "Ethan Hawke"'s goatee. and can you imagine playing a "character" for 12 years? i assume, at some point, you have to become your character/ your character <i>is </i>you. take, for instance, Samantha's character: aspects of her personality remained constant throughout the film, to the point that you have to believe you are seeing Lorelei Linklater on screen, and not just Samantha. (interesting tidbits learned from <a href="http://www.manliusartcinema.com/home.html">Manlius Art Cinema</a>'s owner Nat: US contract law prevented Linklater from having the actors contractually obligated to complete the 12-year project (US law stipulates a 7 year cap on contracts), so all filming was completed on nothing more than a handshake, basically. also, yes, that was Richard Linklater's daughter we saw growing up on screen... apparently she wanted her character killed off so she could walk away from it)</li>
<li>everyone enjoys laughing at Texas</li>
<li>Post-Bush and pre-Obama politics -- still funny to this day. three of my favorite jokes from the film: when Sam and Mason go canvassing for their dad and walk up to a house with a confederate flag hanging on the garage ("do i look like a guy who's gonna vote for Barack HUSSEIN Obama?! i'm entitled to shoot you for trespassing!"). they then go across the street to another house where an obnoxiously perky young mom explains she made her children t-shirts that say "my mama's for Obama." finally, Ethan Hawke using the story of Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol as a teen pregnancy allegory for abstinence and contraception.</li>
<li>life has no plot. appropriately, <i>Boyhood</i> was as rambling and aimless and surprisingly delightful as life</li>
<li>biggest surprise: never expected to like Ethan Hawke so much</li>
<li>there is something to be said about the role of video games and the constant companionship of digital entertainment, but i will leave it to others to articulate.</li>
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stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-3783716023560724942014-08-14T23:50:00.000-04:002014-08-16T14:38:10.889-04:00Doctor My Eyes<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="510" scrolling="no" src="//instagram.com/p/rqAlW7GGQs/embed/" width="412"></iframe>i got to cross a big one off my bucket list last night, when i saw Jackson Browne perform an acoustic set at the historic Landmark Theatre in downtown Syracuse (technically, it was also an item off my Syracuse-bucket-list).<br />
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Jackson Browne's music has meant a lot to me in my early-adulthood. Late For The Sky was the soundtrack to many days and nights spent alone at a window in my apartment in Syracuse, thinking about life, listening to his words and the letting the music wash over me. trying to anchor myself in something happy while feeling lost and drifting in a sea of sorrow i didn't recognize or understand.<br />
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it occurred to me at some point that i should try to see Jackson Browne before he stopped touring and doing shows. Ben and i looked into buying tickets to shows he did all over the country, in California, in small little townships and wine country resorts across the country, but then the other day i was walking downtown after dancing in the park to the library to drop off some books and saw in big letters on the marquee: JACKSON BROWNE. i was in total shock, i couldn't believe it. years of trying to get to Jackson Browne and here he was, days before i'm set to leave Syracuse, and he shows up practically at my doorstep. it seemed too good to be true.<br />
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so last night i put on a billowy skirt, did my hair, and power walked all the way to the theatre, grinning to myself at the joy of this moment: happily single, treating myself to a date with one of my favorite musicians. and i smiled so hard and so constantly throughout the night that i think i created some new wrinkles.<br />
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to watch Jackson Browne perform acoustic renditions of some of my favorite songs from Late For The Sky will truly remain in my heart one of the most emotional moments i've ever experienced surrounded by so many strangers. (the other one: Bruce Springsteen performing "My City of Ruins," both times i saw him).<br />
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at the end of the concert, the older man sitting next to me turned to me and said, "thank you for being a fan."<br />
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so, in honor of that great experience, my own rendition of one of my favorites:<br />
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ETA: look at this cutie! i sat up in the balcony and missed seeing this gorgeous face.<br />
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another rendition (because i have been singing it all day every day):<br />
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<br />stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-89665647322807668652014-08-10T12:07:00.003-04:002014-08-10T12:07:32.855-04:00To Love Somebody<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-20329427689480870322014-08-05T01:37:00.000-04:002014-08-05T01:45:24.626-04:00I'm Not The Only Oneanother Sam Smith cover! he's perfectly in my vocal range, which is why i love him.<br />
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<br />stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-5746222307181248412014-08-05T00:34:00.003-04:002014-08-09T17:12:52.584-04:00universal feelings<i>"breaking up with someone is literally the most common thing... but when it happens to you it feels so specific..."</i><br />
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i listen to podcasts every morning when i wake up. i've got a podcast app on my phone that keeps playlists, which is extremely wonderful when i'm moving about the house trying to get ready or get chores done (though sometimes it gets me in trouble because i want to keep listening rather than hustling!)<br />
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this morning as i was lazily going about my morning routine, my podcast playlist cycled through two very pertinent episodes back to back. i was kinda stunned by how much they spoke to my current situation, as if tailor made to my experience. it's been that kind of morning, where i feel the universe is looking out for me and i'm syncing up right where it wants me to be.<br />
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the first was TLDR's deeply upsetting interview with one of the execs in charge of OkCupid, following their announcement that they've essentially been <a href="http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/we-experiment-on-human-beings/">secretly experimenting on users and their potential matches</a>. definitely did not help my favorable view of OkC.<br />
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that was then immediately followed by this superbly delightful episode of This American Life. between the Phil Collins interview and the Jens Lekman outro, i'm over the moon with how perfect it is.
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the best part was that i listened to them right after recording <a href="http://stephanie-lee.blogspot.com/2014/08/blog-post.html">this announcement</a> about my recent break-up, my introspective journey from the last few weeks, and my very exciting job decision.<br />
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all this to say, you are never alone. your experience is being shared by others all over the world, over and over again.stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-59720958304391214612014-08-04T18:19:00.001-04:002014-08-04T19:04:05.468-04:00!!! !!! !!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbbAp_GUPg6E9d_bXGerVNu2pTClaXtiz1u0JcY8BPXMlZDD-jCK_Ke4JPAGHJ2EE25v_AeozkzQCU25n2CPigxoDcGweS5c7bv6QiYvDMblFRAoAXErJlJ9tDpDw7IxvOqDbf/s1600/Announcement_03.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="it's mostly a happy announcement! even though it starts out sad." border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbbAp_GUPg6E9d_bXGerVNu2pTClaXtiz1u0JcY8BPXMlZDD-jCK_Ke4JPAGHJ2EE25v_AeozkzQCU25n2CPigxoDcGweS5c7bv6QiYvDMblFRAoAXErJlJ9tDpDw7IxvOqDbf/s1600/Announcement_03.jpg" height="400" title="" width="240" /></a></div>
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i've got some feelings to share. listen here ---> <a href="http://sites.google.com/site/stephaniejinglee/file-under-awesome/announcement%208-8-14.mp3">Play Recording</a><br />
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(ETA: i wish i were more eloquent and that i'd thought out more of what i wanted to say, but i initially recorded this as a note to myself for later, to turn into a longer piece of writing, but after listening to it, and hearing for myself the tones of voice and how they changed when talking about different things, it felt right to leave it as is, as rough as it is, because of the emotions present in my voice. i want to preserve the sound of happiness as it was captured there, in case i ever need a reminder.<br />
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also, our anniversary date would have been August 8, but i couldn't wait to get this out there!)stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-42415905974964085502014-08-01T23:47:00.003-04:002014-08-02T08:59:44.868-04:00love according to Stephen Colberti love this so much.<br>
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<a href="http://vimeo.com/102088000">Ask a Grown Man: Stephen Colbert</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/user8507443">Rookie</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.<br>
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i especially love the part (~7:38) when Stephen starts trying to define love in terms of what it looks like:<br>
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"they want to hear your stories. they care how you feel. they want to make your day better. they want to listen to your problems. they reach out to you.<br>
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everybody wants to be loved, to have people pay attention to them. but if someone goes to the effort to call you, reach out to you, write you, to come up to you at a party, come over to talk to you, smile when they see you, ask you your problems, those are good signs they like you... if your happiness is more important than their happiness... one nice definition of love, i think, is that another person's happiness is more important than your own. and an early sign of that is that they want to make your day better."stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-34753969809210729022014-07-29T15:21:00.003-04:002014-07-29T15:21:21.633-04:00Open Arms<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-5428784032504383602014-07-29T00:25:00.003-04:002014-08-10T10:54:37.173-04:00Not In That Way<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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practice helps everything:</div>
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<br />stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-38866643077954289422014-07-28T23:55:00.004-04:002014-08-04T19:22:49.300-04:00smitten kittenthis post-breakup life has been one surprise after another. thankfully, things are tending towards the upswing.<br />
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let me walk you through the stages of post-breakup grief as i experienced them:<br />
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<ol>
<li>denial (refusing to accept what had happened, pretending that twisted relationship was worth saving)</li>
<li>bargaining (trying to accept blame for more than i was responsible for, trying to change to make him happy, trying to do more than it was in my power to do and do it for the both of us since he was unwilling to make any effort)</li>
<li>denial II (saving mementos, pretending like things would magically return to a better place again)</li>
<li>depression (so much crying and wallowing)</li>
<li>anger (vile hatred for someone you thought you knew, who promised they would never hurt you, who could treat you like detritus and discard you once he was done with you and you weren't satisfying his purposes any more)</li>
<li>anger II (seeing your ex-partner wantonly posting pictures of him going camping with a woman, who you suspect was the one he said "he [is] interested in" when he broke up with you... this hurts because: 1. you always wanted to go camping together and you used to talk about it, 2. he brings up the camping trip he planned and you never went on as a pivotal moment in your relationship, 3. it's been how many fucking DAYS since we broke up?! 4. let's be honest, it hurts the most because it looks like he is just fine and moving on so much quicker than you expected him to and the fact he's posting it on facebook has a smidgen of spitefulness to it.)</li>
<li>acceptance (you remove him from your friends list in facebook and put him in "acquaintances", block his news feed posts, and remove facebook entirely from your phone. you stop feeling angry and feel a bit sorry that he is so quickly moving on to another woman... you think for a moment about them getting married and having babies and feel the rage rise in your stomach but let it pass because you realize "better her than me" and that you are lucky you got away from that dick bag. you remove him from your phone, you delete his emails, you take all the pictures out of their frames and save them in a box to burn at a later date.)</li>
<li>survival mode (clawing my way out of a funk like my life depended on it (it kinda does). applying to jobs like crazy, going to the gym and getting into fighting shape, learning uke and singing until my heart feels happy again, reaching out to friends to buoy me, branching out and meeting new people, consuming literature, news, movies and music, cooking by myself, cleaning furiously, gradually putting all the pieces of my life back together more whole and complete than before. reclaiming my life for myself.)</li>
<li>confidence boosting (i didn't realize until after our relationship ended how unhealthy and destructive it was, for my self-esteem, my sense of purpose in life, my sense of self, and my relationships with other people. now that i have, as my dad would say, "cut that cancer out of my life," all the energy i once spent making sure Ben was happy has turned towards making sure <i>i </i>am actually happy. i'm doing things i love again and not worried about being judged for it. i'm finding space to express myself and be happy and meet people without worrying about how to explain it later to someone else. i'm living my life as <i>me</i> rather than as being defined as "Ben's partner." i'm talking to people again and having conversations <i>i </i>care about, rather than trying to exist in a context and parameters dictated down to me by Ben's circumstances. i am meeting so many good people who were previously hidden from me because i was 1. too afraid/not allowed to talk to them; 2. prevented from meeting them because Ben's and my life never allowed for me to grow and reach out to communities i cared about. post-Ben life has seen a wealth of wonderful people, rekindled friendships that had been starved of attention, new friendships that were allowed to flourish once Ben was no longer a hindrance, and most surprisingly of all, a flurry of new romantic encounters that i never would have had the opportunity to explore while tethered to an extremely jealous and possessive but at the same time noncommittal jerk. now that my confidence is back up and i'm happy and free to do what i want, i have seen the difference it makes in my ability to meet people. hopefully it helps me meet people who i want to be around and maybe eventually, help me find someone to love who deserves everything i have to give and will give equally in return.)</li>
<li>adventuring (once i rebuild my confidence, which will likely take a long, long time, i hope to challenge myself to go outside my comfort zone and push myself to pursue the life i want, to live without regrets, to live and love furiously)</li>
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i'm at the 9th/10th stage right now, i think. the last few weeks i've been making efforts to forget about ben and whatever residual guilt/responsibility i feel. it had been so hard for me to even <i>talk</i> to a guy when we were dating, out of guilt and fear of ben being upset, that dating post-Ben has been an exceptional mental/emotional challenge. even meeting up with a guy just to talk and share food felt scandalous. </div>
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this past weekend i made huge strides in that i flew out to Madison, WI on a whim to meet a guy i started talking to through the internet! OkCupid of all places! craziness! he and i started talking because we both used to be teachers and he works at the company i am currently considering a job with. we somehow really hit it off and he offered to buy my plane ticket out to Madison. if that wasn't crazy enough, i agreed to do it, which is totally unlike me. we spent the weekend together, getting to know each other. he's totally unlike anyone i've ever dated (younger, athletic, my height (ok, a little taller), clean (like, seriously, his place was spotless!), a former business major, has a cute Midwestern accent, totally charismatic and sweet (he can sing! Justin Timberlake songs! swoon!), and really, really into me). we shared desserts the night i got in after he picked me up from the airport, walked around Madison holding hands (i want to pause here for a moment just to illustrate the crazy levels of Stockholm Syndrome i had going on: even holding hands, <i>months </i>after Ben and i have broken up, felt WRONG. just touching another person's hand still felt like i was doing something shameful. that is the ridiculous degree to which i had programmed it into my head that i was Ben's possession, that i belonged to him, that being with other people was an act of betrayal. thankfully, i got over it, but come on, how <i>insane</i> is that!??), went to the farmer's market to buy food to make later that night, looked at apartments for my move, went to the Olbrich Botanical Gardens and saw the butterflies, made dinner together and watched a movie, had brunch, went mini-golfing (where i beat him in the first half of the course, even hitting a hole-in-one on the obligatory windmill hole), bought pots and soil and repotted his plants for his office, went out for a "fancy" date on State Street and went back to his place to fall asleep and wake up early, he held my hand while he drove me to the airport before going to work. </div>
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it was a crazy weekend on so many levels, but the weirdest thing for me to understand is how... <i>good</i> it felt. to be with someone new, exciting, and excited (by me!) and start over. granted, there were a lot of difficult moments when i felt my scars exposed, when i felt guilty or afraid or uncomfortable or sad. there were times when i asked myself what i was doing, when i questioned my motives and commitment, when i questioned his. but to be able to enter into a new situation with another person and be aware of the good that could be, the bad that was, and embrace the opportunity to experience something new was... liberating. i felt like it finally allowed me to shake off the shackles of that last relationship and enter into life with a mind open to being better to myself.</div>
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i don't know what the likelihood of that encounter becoming something more is. we may never see each other again. but we shared a weekend together and we were good and we were kind. that is the weird/magical thing i need to constantly have reaffirmed to me: that total strangers can be extremely good to each other. that's what makes love seem so beautiful to me: it turns two total strangers into best friends and partners for life. i don't know what will happen with my friend in Madison, but the fact that we met randomly through the internet and then managed to spend a whole weekend together and were happy doing so endears me so much to the idea of keeping your heart open to anyone you may meet. i no longer fear being alone or never finding another companion who will make me happy. those people abound if you are open to finding them and if your heart is open and courageous enough to be happy. i held onto Ben longer than i should have because i feared i would never be able to find someone else. i never should have let him put me in cages. </div>
stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-20357172379881196062014-07-20T22:57:00.005-04:002014-07-20T22:57:58.989-04:00remission<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"you just have to cut out all the bad stuff from your life. [the bad people in your life are] like a cancer. cut it out so the rest of you can thrive."</blockquote>
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-my dad, giving me post-breakup advice. </div>
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he is so smart, and so so right.</div>
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he advised me to get rid of everything that would remind me of Ben and never look back. focus on looking ahead and getting back to happy. he's right. Ben was a soul-sucking cancer. working my way towards healing and beating this thing. i will be a survivor.</div>
stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-78915158643954310052014-07-20T15:51:00.001-04:002014-07-20T16:05:37.999-04:00Moon Riverthis is one of my and my mom's favorite songs. happy to add it to my growing repertoire.<br />
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p.s. i've noticed that YouTube has flagged some of my videos as "matching third party content" and thus as possible copyright infringement... which is kinduva compliment... i must be doing ok if they can at least id the song i'm playing, right?stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-11717603873324762322014-07-19T22:25:00.000-04:002014-07-19T22:25:00.341-04:00begin againi watched the film Begin Again today with a good friend and found it to be a perfect movie for <i>right now</i>. the protagonist, played by Keira Knightley, was recently dumped by her boyfriend (for another woman) and she finds herself meeting great people and making music and finding her way out of an unhealthy relationship and towards happiness again. obviously, this resonated with me. plus, i could see myself in Keira's character, right down to the wardrobe (though i wish i sang and looked half as beautiful as she does, sheesh!)<br />
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a lot of that film seemed like an echo of my life right now... Ben recently dumped me and though he blames me for all of it, he has started dating another woman pretty much immediately after we ended our 7 year relationship and 3-year engagement... so, it doesn't feel like it was my fault entirely. as my friends observed, it looked like he was grasping for excuses so he wouldn't look like a bad guy. jerk face.<br />
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he has also grown a really big ridiculous-looking beard, an ongoing joke in the movie. (what is it with guys i date always growing big gnarly beards after splitting up with me? trying to prove they are "men" instead of cowardly boys? good luck with that.)<br />
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and though i'm not the talented singer-songwriter Keira portrays in the film, i've taken up singing and playing instruments as a very committed form of therapy. it has honestly helped me through a lot of the heartbreak in a way i can't really understand... i've always enjoyed singing but have been too shy or afraid to do it very publicly. and singing with Ben always felt weird and aggravating, probably because we could never find the same notes, were always off-tune with each other, and disagreed on rhythm and tone, etc. now that i'm a solo act in more ways than one, it's been liberating and empowering to find my voice, to make music on my own, and to put it all out there on the internet for anyone to find. at first i was scared to be laughed at or criticized, but now i'm ok even with sharing it. take me as i am.<br />
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the last few weeks i've slowly worked my confidence back up and feel better than i've felt in years... i realize now that the relationship i was in was unhealthy and terrible for my confidence, my sense of self, my place in the world. i have always been someone driven by feeling happy and excited about life and sharing that outwardly and making others feel that excitement. Ben was never like that, and rather than reflect back positive energy he would get irritated and upset and do what he could to break me down. in yoga class this past Christmas, i remember someone read this quote by Marianne Williamson, which resonated with me so much because i felt it was being spoken about my life at the time:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? ... Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. ... And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” </span></blockquote>
i remember wanting to share that quote with Ben to help me articulate how i felt, but didn't out of fear of being ridiculed or having it become an argument. when i look back over the scraps from my life that i've preserved, i'm struck by how happy and big everything was, and i remember how much hope and joy i exuded in every aspect of my life. it has been a long time since i've felt that and i think i realize now this is why i have been so out of sorts, unhappy, unknowingly depressed. i've felt crushed under the constrictions placed on me by a relationship that wouldn't allow my happiness to exist without a sense of it being wrong to feel so happy.<br />
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i have a quote from one of my favorite Bruce Springsteen songs framed by the door in my apartment, "It Ain't No Sin To Be Glad You're Alive." and i firmly believe that. i actually believe that being happy and grateful for life, living in a way that is exuberant and glimmering and glorious can be revolutionary in its own way. there is so much wrong with the world, yes, but there is also so much to be grateful for, and sharing some joy should not be seen as a selfish or childish thing but an aspiration. i spent so much of my life the last 7 years shrinking from what i was capable of because i felt squashed by Ben's judgment or inability to keep up. well, no more.<br />
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in the past week or more, i have met new people, all of whom inspire me to be a better, happier person. to laugh more, to smile at the sheer joy of being, to talk with strangers and learn their stories, to make connections, to move beyond fear and embrace courageous joy. so much of the world seems to have opened up to me again, just as i thought i had lost so much... it's amazing that in a time when i thought i couldn't possibly lose any more (my job, my love, my health for a brief time), i regained the best thing of all: my sense of self. being alone has been a great gift because i've learned to remake myself into the person i want to be, which apparently is someone who will never be alone because i will have friends wherever i go when i am happy.<br />
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so yes, let us begin again (and forget about the asshole bearded boyfriends).stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-68351662275717677152014-07-19T21:32:00.002-04:002014-07-19T22:20:56.576-04:00Wild Horsesa new one. i'm pretty much at a rate of one new song every other day. a great feeling!<br />
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<br />stephanie leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13404588235599506154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31614045.post-88728059885305108412014-07-18T23:47:00.000-04:002014-07-18T23:47:12.488-04:00remembering who you areone reason i'm glad i kept a blog, and have maintained a healthy web presence (despite how embarrassing it can be when some ppl discover it) is that it helps to remind me of who i am when i forget.<br />
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recent events have left me feeling like i've lost sight of who i am and what i'm capable of. finding pieces of myself preserved on the internet have been like a map i made for myself to find a way back to where i belong.<br />
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i once was a kid without any fear, with a lot of dreams, a good deal of spunk, and a genuinely good heart who, without pretense or illusions of grandeur, put it all out there on the web for anyone to see. before the anxiety and self-consciousness set in, before the neuroses of adulthood and the need to manicure my web presence became a professional concern, there was stuff like this:<br />
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