i would like to append to my last post, as a new realization occurred to me, just now, as i was finishing my soup:
it takes a brave person to admit failure and inadequacy and step out of the way for progress to occur.
but, it takes an even braver person to admit failure, change, adjust, and reflect on her inadequacies and be the progress that needs to occur.
i just hope i can be the latter.
-stef
Showing posts with label illuminations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label illuminations. Show all posts
Sunday, February 22, 2009
admitting failure
i came to a significant realization this morning:
it takes courage to admit you are not suited to help someone. because we all desire to be wanted and needed in some way, it takes love and courage to realize you are unfit and inadequate to be what someone else wants you to be, and walk away. to do this, one must deal with being accused of selfishness, immaturity, callousness, and self-importance. but i think the act of coming to understand you are not the person someone else needs is actually an act of considerable humility and self-knowing.
i think i've spent most of my life looking for ways to help ppl, or to change the world and make it a better place, without realizing that i had been selfish about it. i was thrill-seeking, but replace "thrill" with "good vibes." i was an endorphins fiend. i like feeling good about myself, and i like doing things that make me feel good. activism, i suppose, was my drug of choice.
another way to understand today's realization is the distinction between theory and practice. in theory, i believe every child is entitled to a quality education, but in practice, i am not the one best suited to provide that education. in theory, inner-city students with disabilities should be just as capable to meet educational standards as their peers in the suburbs. but in practice, they can only do so if they have a teacher committed to the tedious and wearing task of getting them there (and i don't have the patience or endurance to be that teacher they need). in theory, i am a capable and experimental teacher with ambitious ideas for transformative democratic education and student empowerment. in practice, i am a struggling, deeply unhappy special education teacher, disempowered and disillusioned because of my failure to effectively practice what i believe in theory, and my growing lack of passion for education.
i accept full responsibility for my own misery, knowing that if i had only known myself better and been more humble, i would not have taken on the task of teaching special ed in south central LA, thinking i could handle whatever challenges were thrown at me. some things are beyond yr range of ability. it's not even that i had delusions of grandeur, thinking i could change the whole system of education by teaching 60+ special ed students. i was just hoping to make a difference in the lives of a few. but now i am facing the reality that i might emerge from the experience 2 years later and regret the attempt at all, thinking both my students and i would have been better off if i'd never stepped foot into a special ed classroom. moreover, i feel i may be driven away from education forever. that makes me feel deeply sad and lost, since i thought teaching was the way i would make an impact on the world.
it occurs to me this morning that sometimes it is the more honest and necessary thing to step away from a situation, knowing you are beyond your means, that there is nothing for you to contribute. it is knowing that you want to be able to help others, but that you are not the one best able to do it, and stepping out of the way to let those who can do what you cannot.
it takes courage to admit you are not suited to help someone. because we all desire to be wanted and needed in some way, it takes love and courage to realize you are unfit and inadequate to be what someone else wants you to be, and walk away. to do this, one must deal with being accused of selfishness, immaturity, callousness, and self-importance. but i think the act of coming to understand you are not the person someone else needs is actually an act of considerable humility and self-knowing.
i think i've spent most of my life looking for ways to help ppl, or to change the world and make it a better place, without realizing that i had been selfish about it. i was thrill-seeking, but replace "thrill" with "good vibes." i was an endorphins fiend. i like feeling good about myself, and i like doing things that make me feel good. activism, i suppose, was my drug of choice.
another way to understand today's realization is the distinction between theory and practice. in theory, i believe every child is entitled to a quality education, but in practice, i am not the one best suited to provide that education. in theory, inner-city students with disabilities should be just as capable to meet educational standards as their peers in the suburbs. but in practice, they can only do so if they have a teacher committed to the tedious and wearing task of getting them there (and i don't have the patience or endurance to be that teacher they need). in theory, i am a capable and experimental teacher with ambitious ideas for transformative democratic education and student empowerment. in practice, i am a struggling, deeply unhappy special education teacher, disempowered and disillusioned because of my failure to effectively practice what i believe in theory, and my growing lack of passion for education.
i accept full responsibility for my own misery, knowing that if i had only known myself better and been more humble, i would not have taken on the task of teaching special ed in south central LA, thinking i could handle whatever challenges were thrown at me. some things are beyond yr range of ability. it's not even that i had delusions of grandeur, thinking i could change the whole system of education by teaching 60+ special ed students. i was just hoping to make a difference in the lives of a few. but now i am facing the reality that i might emerge from the experience 2 years later and regret the attempt at all, thinking both my students and i would have been better off if i'd never stepped foot into a special ed classroom. moreover, i feel i may be driven away from education forever. that makes me feel deeply sad and lost, since i thought teaching was the way i would make an impact on the world.
it occurs to me this morning that sometimes it is the more honest and necessary thing to step away from a situation, knowing you are beyond your means, that there is nothing for you to contribute. it is knowing that you want to be able to help others, but that you are not the one best able to do it, and stepping out of the way to let those who can do what you cannot.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
rant!
i just have to blow some steam before it explodes me. pardon the venting.
whoever designed the university intern program for credentialing new teachers needs a fucking shoe up their ass. it is the most fucking miserable experience for the teacher candidates, and should not be considered anything less than a disservice to their students and the educational system immediately surrounding them, as they are completely deprived of any resources or support and drained and stretched to the point of being completely ineffective and incoherent. furthermore, it turns off new teachers to wanting to seriously remain in the educational system, or to give them the opportunity to try new and exciting pedagogies, which runs counter to what we should be encouraging in our educational system, b/c if the new teachers aren't going to be a source of innovation and exploration, who is?
there is absolutely no practicality or reason to this system. and it makes for some really fucking poor practice. i'm not even talking revolutionary pedagogy here, i'm just talking basic standards-based ordinary teaching. take this: my supervisor is supposed to get 4 formal observations done in the semester. i met with her to determine what days she would come in. but, b/c of surprise teacher training academies, district meetings, science lab trainings, etc. i had to cancel some observations, and she cancelled some observations, and now we're down to the last 3 weeks of the semester and she's threatening to give me an incomplete. she wants to come in tomorrow, a day i had planned as a test day, to observe me teach a lesson. what the fuck am i going to teach them, it doesn't even fit well into the calendar and the flow of the units.
so dig: this week is weird, b/c it's thanksgiving, and so monday is a full day, and tuesday and wednesday are half days. i need more than half a period to give a unit test, or to introduce a new topic, so i was going to do it like this: monday was going to be review, tuesday tests, wednesday a party/intro to new unit day. but, monday was taken out b/c of an emergency district meeting, so things got pushed back. tuesday became a review day (which sucked b/c i had to take two half periods to do a thorough review) and wednesday was going to be two periods of testing. but, b/c of my fucking supervisor and her demand that i teach a lesson, i'm now struggling to figure out what to do. i told my kids they were going to get a test tomorrow, so i can't just be like "haha, just kidding..." b/c then they would lose trust and never take me seriously again, esp. after all the emphasis i put on them studying tonight, and bringing their notes tomorrow to turn in for extra credit. so, no matter what, i am still going to give them the test. but, i wonder if squeezing in a lesson is going to be too little time to do either very well. and it doesn't make much sense, to me or the students, to have them test for a period, then come back and immediately start a new unit. it doesn't flow, and it gives them no sense of closure or release. they're not going to feel like things make sense, they're going to act up b/c i'm not giving them time to celebrate completion of a unit (which really, they should be allowed to do) and they're not going to retain anything from my new lesson, b/c their behavior is going to be absolutely bat shit crazy.
fuck shit cunt damn piss ass grunt kick fist.
-stef
whoever designed the university intern program for credentialing new teachers needs a fucking shoe up their ass. it is the most fucking miserable experience for the teacher candidates, and should not be considered anything less than a disservice to their students and the educational system immediately surrounding them, as they are completely deprived of any resources or support and drained and stretched to the point of being completely ineffective and incoherent. furthermore, it turns off new teachers to wanting to seriously remain in the educational system, or to give them the opportunity to try new and exciting pedagogies, which runs counter to what we should be encouraging in our educational system, b/c if the new teachers aren't going to be a source of innovation and exploration, who is?
there is absolutely no practicality or reason to this system. and it makes for some really fucking poor practice. i'm not even talking revolutionary pedagogy here, i'm just talking basic standards-based ordinary teaching. take this: my supervisor is supposed to get 4 formal observations done in the semester. i met with her to determine what days she would come in. but, b/c of surprise teacher training academies, district meetings, science lab trainings, etc. i had to cancel some observations, and she cancelled some observations, and now we're down to the last 3 weeks of the semester and she's threatening to give me an incomplete. she wants to come in tomorrow, a day i had planned as a test day, to observe me teach a lesson. what the fuck am i going to teach them, it doesn't even fit well into the calendar and the flow of the units.
so dig: this week is weird, b/c it's thanksgiving, and so monday is a full day, and tuesday and wednesday are half days. i need more than half a period to give a unit test, or to introduce a new topic, so i was going to do it like this: monday was going to be review, tuesday tests, wednesday a party/intro to new unit day. but, monday was taken out b/c of an emergency district meeting, so things got pushed back. tuesday became a review day (which sucked b/c i had to take two half periods to do a thorough review) and wednesday was going to be two periods of testing. but, b/c of my fucking supervisor and her demand that i teach a lesson, i'm now struggling to figure out what to do. i told my kids they were going to get a test tomorrow, so i can't just be like "haha, just kidding..." b/c then they would lose trust and never take me seriously again, esp. after all the emphasis i put on them studying tonight, and bringing their notes tomorrow to turn in for extra credit. so, no matter what, i am still going to give them the test. but, i wonder if squeezing in a lesson is going to be too little time to do either very well. and it doesn't make much sense, to me or the students, to have them test for a period, then come back and immediately start a new unit. it doesn't flow, and it gives them no sense of closure or release. they're not going to feel like things make sense, they're going to act up b/c i'm not giving them time to celebrate completion of a unit (which really, they should be allowed to do) and they're not going to retain anything from my new lesson, b/c their behavior is going to be absolutely bat shit crazy.
fuck shit cunt damn piss ass grunt kick fist.
-stef
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
a-twitter: life in the digital age
i'm amazed by all the means by which the internet helps ppl keep in touch these days. does anyone even remember how to use a phone or make a house call?
i think technology is seriously incapacitating us. i remember before i even got a cell phone how different my personal interactions and relationships were. i mean, i remember having to plan ahead and set times to meet people - wow, can you imagine?! if i was meeting a friend for a date, it was a specific time and place, no if's, and's, or but's about it. you actually had to keep your obligations and commitments, you couldn't just call them at the last minute and cancel or say you were running late.
i'm sensitive to these things lately because of the amalgam of online applications i have recently started using (what i have come to collectively term my "e-life" applications). first, i finally caved and joined facebook. this was a huge personal defeat for me, since i had held off on joining for the entirety of my college career, because i found the idea of online social networking to be shallow and ridiculous. i had better ways to waste my time on the internet, and, as i constantly reminded others, there are other ways of keeping in touch with people.
but, over the years, as more and more people joined facebook, and i continued to refuse, i noticed i was getting left out of what appeared to be a digital modification - no, transformation - of modern life. my friend Robert likes to talk about transhumanism, and i think that now i finally understand what that term (and its philosophy and associated ideas) means. could it be that humans are really adapting themselves, overcoming "undesirable aspects of the human condition," by plugging ourselves in, and loading ourselves up?
i've discussed before my belief that humans are becoming increasingly technology-dependent. let's think about this: life support. "pulling the plug." we liquefy our lives, distill the essence into digital data, and upload it from any port in the world, as long as we have high speed internet access and an outlet. this process of uploading, of instant publication, of visibility, transparency, inescapability... it's invigorating. makes you feel alive, makes you feel real, makes you feel like you've got an audience and what you're doing matters (because it matters what you're doing). "overcoming involuntary death" - everyone a 15-second internet celebrity, everyone an immortal, everyone inhabiting a webspace. my life was contained in the microchips of a small whirring piece of hardware, until it decided to die. when that happened, i felt like it was i who had been erased. so what did i do? i turned to my virtual self and recovered what i could from the internet. life doubling up on itself: all the music i originally found on the internet, recovered again via my own past posts.
the digitalization of our lives has other impliations as well. facebook is not so much a way of keeping in touch with people as it is about keeping track of people. ah ha! - surveillance! yes, it seems that what we're all really doing is keeping tabs on one another. is there any other way to justify or explain the news feeds? we watch for changes in biographical information, relationship statuses, we track the lives of our friends as if our lives were online dramas being played out for entertainment.
now, a shameful admission: i don't necessarily dislike the idea of being able to track every change in every person's life. i actually rather like seeing what people are up to. example: i love using gmail. the chat feature is one of my favorite tech tools of recent memory because it allows me to see when my friends are online and what they might be up to:
i never used AIM as a kid, even when it was all the rage and all my friends used it to keep in touch. i preferred calling people on the phone or riding my bike to their house to say hi (it seems being behind the technological times has always been a proclivity of mine.) the same is true now: i could easily call someone and get a response just as quickly as i could if i sent them a chat. but, i wouldn't get the luxury of a status message for context. it's sometimes nice to strike up a chat with a friend who, by the look of their status, is feeling down, stressed, or lonely. and i'm sure lots of people would agree that it's a great window for expressing emotions without feeling like you're unloading or being extremely desperate, of putting yourself out there without having to risk anything, because the audience you want is there, in that little sidebar, and if they want to talk to you, they will. and you get the benefit of feeling a slight sense of relief and catharsis, without having to wear your heart on your sleeve, so to speak.
it's also a great way to share a link you like, a clever thought or quip, or even your latest poetry: one of my friends wrote a series of sonnets using the gchat status message as a creative medium (he found the character limit to be an interesting creative feature). i used to document away messages, finding them to be fantastic narratives (that document has since been lost in the death of external harddrive, boooo.)
but, as much as i love status narratives, twitter has taken this to a completely new level. holy shit, man, this thing is madness!!
here is a sight [sic] where you can upload away messages, as if it were a blog, and it stores them for you, as a narrative! and, you can "follow" people you know, or people you hardly know at all! (right now i am following Achewood and a Miami professor who i never took classes with, just talked to occasionally about living wage issues).
the striking thing about twitter is that, unlike gchat or facebook, it doesn't aspire or pretend to be anything other than a news feed for your personal life. there is no use for it beyond occasionally reminding people "yes, i am in fact, alive." in a digital age where we are constantly connected and plugged in, i find it fascinating that our everyday actions can find outlet and audience in cyberspace. ("i am typing... i am thinking... i am breathing... i am living...")
now, that said, YOU SHOULD BE MY FRIEND AND FOLLOWER ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER!!
;-)
-stef lee
p.s. speaking of narratives, a twitter conversation unfolded on the 'net this (6/6/08) morning:
i think technology is seriously incapacitating us. i remember before i even got a cell phone how different my personal interactions and relationships were. i mean, i remember having to plan ahead and set times to meet people - wow, can you imagine?! if i was meeting a friend for a date, it was a specific time and place, no if's, and's, or but's about it. you actually had to keep your obligations and commitments, you couldn't just call them at the last minute and cancel or say you were running late.
i'm sensitive to these things lately because of the amalgam of online applications i have recently started using (what i have come to collectively term my "e-life" applications). first, i finally caved and joined facebook. this was a huge personal defeat for me, since i had held off on joining for the entirety of my college career, because i found the idea of online social networking to be shallow and ridiculous. i had better ways to waste my time on the internet, and, as i constantly reminded others, there are other ways of keeping in touch with people.
but, over the years, as more and more people joined facebook, and i continued to refuse, i noticed i was getting left out of what appeared to be a digital modification - no, transformation - of modern life. my friend Robert likes to talk about transhumanism, and i think that now i finally understand what that term (and its philosophy and associated ideas) means. could it be that humans are really adapting themselves, overcoming "undesirable aspects of the human condition," by plugging ourselves in, and loading ourselves up?
i've discussed before my belief that humans are becoming increasingly technology-dependent. let's think about this: life support. "pulling the plug." we liquefy our lives, distill the essence into digital data, and upload it from any port in the world, as long as we have high speed internet access and an outlet. this process of uploading, of instant publication, of visibility, transparency, inescapability... it's invigorating. makes you feel alive, makes you feel real, makes you feel like you've got an audience and what you're doing matters (because it matters what you're doing). "overcoming involuntary death" - everyone a 15-second internet celebrity, everyone an immortal, everyone inhabiting a webspace. my life was contained in the microchips of a small whirring piece of hardware, until it decided to die. when that happened, i felt like it was i who had been erased. so what did i do? i turned to my virtual self and recovered what i could from the internet. life doubling up on itself: all the music i originally found on the internet, recovered again via my own past posts.
the digitalization of our lives has other impliations as well. facebook is not so much a way of keeping in touch with people as it is about keeping track of people. ah ha! - surveillance! yes, it seems that what we're all really doing is keeping tabs on one another. is there any other way to justify or explain the news feeds? we watch for changes in biographical information, relationship statuses, we track the lives of our friends as if our lives were online dramas being played out for entertainment.
now, a shameful admission: i don't necessarily dislike the idea of being able to track every change in every person's life. i actually rather like seeing what people are up to. example: i love using gmail. the chat feature is one of my favorite tech tools of recent memory because it allows me to see when my friends are online and what they might be up to:
i never used AIM as a kid, even when it was all the rage and all my friends used it to keep in touch. i preferred calling people on the phone or riding my bike to their house to say hi (it seems being behind the technological times has always been a proclivity of mine.) the same is true now: i could easily call someone and get a response just as quickly as i could if i sent them a chat. but, i wouldn't get the luxury of a status message for context. it's sometimes nice to strike up a chat with a friend who, by the look of their status, is feeling down, stressed, or lonely. and i'm sure lots of people would agree that it's a great window for expressing emotions without feeling like you're unloading or being extremely desperate, of putting yourself out there without having to risk anything, because the audience you want is there, in that little sidebar, and if they want to talk to you, they will. and you get the benefit of feeling a slight sense of relief and catharsis, without having to wear your heart on your sleeve, so to speak.
it's also a great way to share a link you like, a clever thought or quip, or even your latest poetry: one of my friends wrote a series of sonnets using the gchat status message as a creative medium (he found the character limit to be an interesting creative feature). i used to document away messages, finding them to be fantastic narratives (that document has since been lost in the death of external harddrive, boooo.)
but, as much as i love status narratives, twitter has taken this to a completely new level. holy shit, man, this thing is madness!!
here is a sight [sic] where you can upload away messages, as if it were a blog, and it stores them for you, as a narrative! and, you can "follow" people you know, or people you hardly know at all! (right now i am following Achewood and a Miami professor who i never took classes with, just talked to occasionally about living wage issues).
the striking thing about twitter is that, unlike gchat or facebook, it doesn't aspire or pretend to be anything other than a news feed for your personal life. there is no use for it beyond occasionally reminding people "yes, i am in fact, alive." in a digital age where we are constantly connected and plugged in, i find it fascinating that our everyday actions can find outlet and audience in cyberspace. ("i am typing... i am thinking... i am breathing... i am living...")
now, that said, YOU SHOULD BE MY FRIEND AND FOLLOWER ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER!!
;-)
-stef lee
p.s. speaking of narratives, a twitter conversation unfolded on the 'net this (6/6/08) morning:
Thursday, April 24, 2008
the happiest kind of doom
I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG [mp3]. i listen to it on repeat and love it, even though/despite/in spite/to spite/because i know someone i love very much hates this song.
this is fevered, obsessive, destructive love.*
"the cruelty's so predictable."
-stephan!e
========
"The past is a grotesque animal
And in its eyes you see
How completely wrong you can be
How completely wrong you can be
The sun is out, it melts the snow that fell yesterday
Makes you wonder why it bothered
I fell in love with the first cute girl that I met
Who could appreciate Georges Bataille
Standing at Swedish festival discussing "Story of the Eye"
Discussing "Story of the Eye"
It's so embarrassing to need someone like I do you
How can I explain, I need you here and not here too
How can I explain, I need you here and not here too
I'm flunking out, I'm flunking out, I'm gone, I'm just gone
But at least I author my own disaster
At least I author my own disaster
Performance breakdown and I don't want to hear it
I'm just not available
Things could be different but they're not
Things could be different but they're not
The mousy girl screams, "Violence! Violence!"
The mousy girl screams, "Violence! Violence!"
She gets hysterical because they're both so mean
And it's my favorite scene
But the cruelty's so predictable
It makes you sad on the stage
Though our love project has so much potential
But it's like we weren't made for this world
(Though I wouldn't really want to meet someone who was)
Do I have to scream in your face?
I've been dodging lamps and vegetables
Throw it all in my face, I don't care
Let's just have some fun
Let's tear this shit apart
Let's tear the fucking house apart
Let's tear our fucking bodies apart
But let's just have some fun
Somehow you've red-rovered the gestapo circling my heart
And nothing can defeat you
No death, no ugly world
You've lived so brightly
You've altered everything
I find myself searching for old selves
While speeding forward through the plate glass of maturing cells
I've played the unraveler, the parhelion
But even apocalypse is fleeting
There's no death, no ugly world
Sometimes I wonder if you're mythologizing me like I do you
Mythologizing me like I do you
We want our film to be beautiful, not realistic
Perceive me in the radiance of terror dreams
And you can betray me
You can, you can betray me
But teach me something wonderful
Crown my head, crowd my head
With your lilting effects
Project your fears on to me, I need to view them
See, there's nothing to them
I promise you, there's nothing to them
I'm so touched by your goodness
You make me feel so criminal
How do you keep it together?
I'm all, all unraveled
But you know, no matter where we are
We're always touching by underground wires
I've explored you with the detachment of an analyst
But most nights we've raided the same kingdoms
And none of our secrets are physical
None of our secrets are physical
None of our secrets are physical now"
this is fevered, obsessive, destructive love.*
"the cruelty's so predictable."
-stephan!e
========
"The past is a grotesque animal
And in its eyes you see
How completely wrong you can be
How completely wrong you can be
The sun is out, it melts the snow that fell yesterday
Makes you wonder why it bothered
I fell in love with the first cute girl that I met
Who could appreciate Georges Bataille
Standing at Swedish festival discussing "Story of the Eye"
Discussing "Story of the Eye"
It's so embarrassing to need someone like I do you
How can I explain, I need you here and not here too
How can I explain, I need you here and not here too
I'm flunking out, I'm flunking out, I'm gone, I'm just gone
But at least I author my own disaster
At least I author my own disaster
Performance breakdown and I don't want to hear it
I'm just not available
Things could be different but they're not
Things could be different but they're not
The mousy girl screams, "Violence! Violence!"
The mousy girl screams, "Violence! Violence!"
She gets hysterical because they're both so mean
And it's my favorite scene
But the cruelty's so predictable
It makes you sad on the stage
Though our love project has so much potential
But it's like we weren't made for this world
(Though I wouldn't really want to meet someone who was)
Do I have to scream in your face?
I've been dodging lamps and vegetables
Throw it all in my face, I don't care
Let's just have some fun
Let's tear this shit apart
Let's tear the fucking house apart
Let's tear our fucking bodies apart
But let's just have some fun
Somehow you've red-rovered the gestapo circling my heart
And nothing can defeat you
No death, no ugly world
You've lived so brightly
You've altered everything
I find myself searching for old selves
While speeding forward through the plate glass of maturing cells
I've played the unraveler, the parhelion
But even apocalypse is fleeting
There's no death, no ugly world
Sometimes I wonder if you're mythologizing me like I do you
Mythologizing me like I do you
We want our film to be beautiful, not realistic
Perceive me in the radiance of terror dreams
And you can betray me
You can, you can betray me
But teach me something wonderful
Crown my head, crowd my head
With your lilting effects
Project your fears on to me, I need to view them
See, there's nothing to them
I promise you, there's nothing to them
I'm so touched by your goodness
You make me feel so criminal
How do you keep it together?
I'm all, all unraveled
But you know, no matter where we are
We're always touching by underground wires
I've explored you with the detachment of an analyst
But most nights we've raided the same kingdoms
And none of our secrets are physical
None of our secrets are physical
None of our secrets are physical now"
-from Of Montreal's "The Past is a Grotesque Animal", from the Hissing Fauna (2007) album
*i think all he hears is the destruction, the agitation. i sometimes wish that's all i heard, too.
*i think all he hears is the destruction, the agitation. i sometimes wish that's all i heard, too.
Monday, April 07, 2008
a beginner's guide to domination and suppression
how to kill activism, reassert the market's dominance of everyday life, and ruin democracy:
1) authority + passivity
(teach 'em not to think for themselves)
2) empty promises
(keep em running. employ 'carrot and stick')
3) divide & conquer
(kill their communities, take away their friends - better yet, have them do it to themselves)
4) the illusion of choice
(make them think they want/need these things and that they're being taken care of)
you'll have a totalitarian state in no time!
(disclaimer: i, of course, don't agree with any of these things. it was just that while i was writing my thesis today i made a list like this to clarify the points i was going to be making in this particular section of my paper and i thought it was interesting enough to share.)
p.s. it should be noted that all these were, and are, being practiced everyday, in the media industry, and especially the school.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
did you see?
take this test.
in related news, i'm thinking of going to a Mass -- the other religion ;-) -- in Chicago before the year ends. any one care to join me?
-stephan!e
in related news, i'm thinking of going to a Mass -- the other religion ;-) -- in Chicago before the year ends. any one care to join me?
-stephan!e
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
on the nature of change: skepticism vs. cynicism
as you know, i'm teaching a class called Education for Social Change. this is the 6th week of class, and it's been great and fun for the most part, there are a lot of high's and low's, lots of excitement and disappointments and many more frustrations, but in general i'm really happy to begin developing a critical pedagogy.
the most enthralling part of this whole experience has been the challenge of enacting a critical praxis when many of my students/peers are resistant (after years of conditioning) to taking ownership of their own educations. even after i have attempted to give them the freedom to create a course that would fit their interests, they are reluctant to meet me halfway, frequently reimposing control and authority on me. the challenging part for me has been fostering the determination and dedication to critical-democratic education and encouraging and pushing them to be active students and citizens.
and my efforts have met with occasional success. as i always tell the class, "learning is a process." and a long one, at that. while i am trying to encourage them to develop radical stances toward their educations, they are teaching me the importance of endurance and resilience in the face of an overwhelming systematic inertia when it comes to social change. but, as i told one of my students, change has got to start somewhere. why not here?
what follows is an example of some of the best (and i mean WORST) of my students' reluctance to develop a critical stance. and then, my (rad!cal) response.
x's and o's,
stef
==========
[these posts come from my class's online discussions about their final public projects]
student post:
I'm finding that I'm really not sure how to respond to other people's final project ideas, or what kinds of comments would be helpful for them. None of these projects (including mine, to at least some extent) seem likely to produce much real change in society. They're too small and too unofficial to really be visible or to create anything tangible. And they're too abstract and confusing to the intended audience, and too extremely counter-cultural, to succeed without large-movement backing. In short, it's too much like individual crusuaders charging out there with a lot of passion and not much else, each of us waging our own tiny grassroots war against a system that will roll its eyes at us, if indeed it notices us at all.
Maybe I still don't understand the assignment properly. What exactly are we supposed to do? What is our goal, ultimately? To create some dramatic form of expression about our feelings on our favorite social issue? To scream our passions into the wind, in the most anti-traditional-education way possible? I'm sure we'll all feel very satisfied that we've gotten our hands dirty, done something "real" outside the classroom, etc. But I don't understand how these projects will create any tangible, lasting social change; or even how they will give us the right skills for future social change endevors.
-----
These are good concerns to be having, Leo. Of course social change doesn't happen with a few small actions here and there. It needs to be systemic. But, it's also got to start somewhere. And that's what these projects should signify, some attempt on all our parts to ACT toward the change we want to see.
Too many people sit on their hands and shrug as they watch grave injustices committed around them every day. Why the apathy? Why the inertia preventing us from acting? I'm not suggesting you grab a bullhorn and storm the streets and burn down buildings, but I am asking you to begin PRACTICING a critical democracy.
What does that mean? It means being a skeptic, rather than a cynic. To clarify further: cynicism is fatalistic. It causes you to be doubtful of yourself and the people in your community, it means to resign to an idea of powerlessness, to feel unable to make any difference and so, letting your agency and critical faculties atrophy. To be skeptical is completely different; it requires critical questioning of otherwise accepted opinions and ideas. It is generative, productive, and active, because you are always evaluating the world around you and finding ways in which to insert yourself - be still no more! Action is the critical entrance into actualization! It's exciting, it's here, it's now!
In short, I'm tired of people crossing their arms and complaining. Droopy frown and weak "but"s be gone! Any change at all is still change, and that's exciting!
-Stephanie
the most enthralling part of this whole experience has been the challenge of enacting a critical praxis when many of my students/peers are resistant (after years of conditioning) to taking ownership of their own educations. even after i have attempted to give them the freedom to create a course that would fit their interests, they are reluctant to meet me halfway, frequently reimposing control and authority on me. the challenging part for me has been fostering the determination and dedication to critical-democratic education and encouraging and pushing them to be active students and citizens.
and my efforts have met with occasional success. as i always tell the class, "learning is a process." and a long one, at that. while i am trying to encourage them to develop radical stances toward their educations, they are teaching me the importance of endurance and resilience in the face of an overwhelming systematic inertia when it comes to social change. but, as i told one of my students, change has got to start somewhere. why not here?
what follows is an example of some of the best (and i mean WORST) of my students' reluctance to develop a critical stance. and then, my (rad!cal) response.
x's and o's,
stef
==========
[these posts come from my class's online discussions about their final public projects]
student post:
I'm finding that I'm really not sure how to respond to other people's final project ideas, or what kinds of comments would be helpful for them. None of these projects (including mine, to at least some extent) seem likely to produce much real change in society. They're too small and too unofficial to really be visible or to create anything tangible. And they're too abstract and confusing to the intended audience, and too extremely counter-cultural, to succeed without large-movement backing. In short, it's too much like individual crusuaders charging out there with a lot of passion and not much else, each of us waging our own tiny grassroots war against a system that will roll its eyes at us, if indeed it notices us at all.
Maybe I still don't understand the assignment properly. What exactly are we supposed to do? What is our goal, ultimately? To create some dramatic form of expression about our feelings on our favorite social issue? To scream our passions into the wind, in the most anti-traditional-education way possible? I'm sure we'll all feel very satisfied that we've gotten our hands dirty, done something "real" outside the classroom, etc. But I don't understand how these projects will create any tangible, lasting social change; or even how they will give us the right skills for future social change endevors.
-----
These are good concerns to be having, Leo. Of course social change doesn't happen with a few small actions here and there. It needs to be systemic. But, it's also got to start somewhere. And that's what these projects should signify, some attempt on all our parts to ACT toward the change we want to see.
Too many people sit on their hands and shrug as they watch grave injustices committed around them every day. Why the apathy? Why the inertia preventing us from acting? I'm not suggesting you grab a bullhorn and storm the streets and burn down buildings, but I am asking you to begin PRACTICING a critical democracy.
What does that mean? It means being a skeptic, rather than a cynic. To clarify further: cynicism is fatalistic. It causes you to be doubtful of yourself and the people in your community, it means to resign to an idea of powerlessness, to feel unable to make any difference and so, letting your agency and critical faculties atrophy. To be skeptical is completely different; it requires critical questioning of otherwise accepted opinions and ideas. It is generative, productive, and active, because you are always evaluating the world around you and finding ways in which to insert yourself - be still no more! Action is the critical entrance into actualization! It's exciting, it's here, it's now!
In short, I'm tired of people crossing their arms and complaining. Droopy frown and weak "but"s be gone! Any change at all is still change, and that's exciting!
-Stephanie
Monday, February 04, 2008
a response from Students for Staff: on the nature of community and dialog at Miami University
in reaction to events surrounding the State of the Student Body Address (Jan. 29, 2008):
On Tuesday, Students for Staff spoke with a full-time staff member at Miami who lives alone and provides for herself by working a second job. Recently, she woke up in the hospital—her blood sugar had plummeted overnight and the sudden drop almost killed her. Now she's afraid to go to sleep. She broke her tailbone last year when a sudden drop in blood sugar caused her to fall, and she crashed her car when her blood sugar got so low that she nearly passed out.
An automatic insulin pump would be enough to prevent these incidents from ever happening again. She and her doctors are trying to get the pump covered through Miami's insurance, but she's been told it will likely be denied. The "market-competitive wages" from the "employer of choice" aren't enough that she can afford the device herself. Even with the addition of a second job, she is still forced to choose between her proper medication and other basic necessities. These are the realities at the heart of our demand for a living wage.
Nevertheless, the university's response to our concerns has been consistently clear: "not now, not here." Most recently, at ASG's Annual State of the Student Body Address, President Hodge said he was disappointed in us for bringing up "our" issue at yet another public forum. This comment followed a speech in which President Hodge commended students for embracing the issues that confront Oxford as a community. In response, we would like to inform President Hodge that poverty is a community issue, and, as community leaders, President Hodge and the administration have the responsibility to pay Miami's hard-working staff what they deserve, not as little as Miami can get away with.
Furthermore, the entire student body was invited to this event and encouraged to ask questions. It reflects poorly on our president's commitment to community if one of the few student organizations that cared enough to come tothe event was denigrated and condemned for voicing community concerns. We would like to inform President Hodge that community must emerge from collaboration and dialog; it doesn't appear overnight with the construction of an $80 million bicentennial student center. It is practically impossible to muster the excitement and enthusiasm President Hodge invoked in his discussion of plans for the bicentennial student center when you remember the full-time Miami staff who must live in extreme frugality because Miami is not paying them a fair wage.
If students' concerns for local poverty and economic justice are consistently unwelcome at student forums and events, when and where will community finally be realized at Miami?
On Tuesday, Students for Staff spoke with a full-time staff member at Miami who lives alone and provides for herself by working a second job. Recently, she woke up in the hospital—her blood sugar had plummeted overnight and the sudden drop almost killed her. Now she's afraid to go to sleep. She broke her tailbone last year when a sudden drop in blood sugar caused her to fall, and she crashed her car when her blood sugar got so low that she nearly passed out.
An automatic insulin pump would be enough to prevent these incidents from ever happening again. She and her doctors are trying to get the pump covered through Miami's insurance, but she's been told it will likely be denied. The "market-competitive wages" from the "employer of choice" aren't enough that she can afford the device herself. Even with the addition of a second job, she is still forced to choose between her proper medication and other basic necessities. These are the realities at the heart of our demand for a living wage.
Nevertheless, the university's response to our concerns has been consistently clear: "not now, not here." Most recently, at ASG's Annual State of the Student Body Address, President Hodge said he was disappointed in us for bringing up "our" issue at yet another public forum. This comment followed a speech in which President Hodge commended students for embracing the issues that confront Oxford as a community. In response, we would like to inform President Hodge that poverty is a community issue, and, as community leaders, President Hodge and the administration have the responsibility to pay Miami's hard-working staff what they deserve, not as little as Miami can get away with.
Furthermore, the entire student body was invited to this event and encouraged to ask questions. It reflects poorly on our president's commitment to community if one of the few student organizations that cared enough to come tothe event was denigrated and condemned for voicing community concerns. We would like to inform President Hodge that community must emerge from collaboration and dialog; it doesn't appear overnight with the construction of an $80 million bicentennial student center. It is practically impossible to muster the excitement and enthusiasm President Hodge invoked in his discussion of plans for the bicentennial student center when you remember the full-time Miami staff who must live in extreme frugality because Miami is not paying them a fair wage.
If students' concerns for local poverty and economic justice are consistently unwelcome at student forums and events, when and where will community finally be realized at Miami?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
the precariousness of blogging: thoughts on internet anonymity and authenticity
i got an interesting reality check today, when two of my teach for america contacts called me to discuss my last blog post.
obviously, i was embarrassed. i felt like an utter ass having to talk to future co-workers and/or bosses about my flippant gut-rxn post about their organization (or is it our organization?... i guess i'm part of it too now, which makes me kind of a hypocrite and kind of a horrible colleague...)
then, i was confused: i heard the phrase "media sweep" (apparently Teach For America runs these regularly to see what's being said about them and i got caught up in the dredge [sic] report). later, i checked my sitemeter stats and realized i'd been receiving record traffic to the site today for my latest post, and felt a little overwhelmed at the sudden inadvertent attention my blog was attracting, and a little upset to realize my writing was becoming an issue of concern. (panic would hit later, when it occurred to me if they're reading this, what else are they finding about me? would they disapprove of what i was saying, would they try to censor me, or worse, ask me to censor myself?)
i was suspicious, too. i figured TFA had PR managers (if you're reading this, "hello!") and that they'd eventually catch wind of my blog and would be reading it for clues into my character or political leanings (in fact, it surprises me that i wasn't contacted earlier about it...) but there's something utterly jarring about talking to your future on the phone, and having to discuss your blog. i mean, having a conversation about my blog is always a strange thing for me. even when my friends and relatives allude to my writing here, it startles me. it seems private, even though i know it's not. there's a cathartic purpose to my writing, i leave it here, let it live and let it die, and it's always strange to me to have it brought up in my real life. i know that probably makes little sense, but i think that in many ways the identity i am forging here is different from the one i live day-to-day. maybe more honest, maybe more flippant, maybe freer, less tied down to institutional loyalties and less sensitive to organizational commitments. i guess the internet provides the freedom to publish without having to own up to anything... this is a persona i've created, this isn't me.
i say things here without thinking about how it may affect my life, but maybe even occasionally with the hope that it will. it's a delicate and vulnerable intimacy that i've chosen to share with the world in this public and exposed space. i've always been well aware of the precariousness of such a set-up, but never have i felt so unnerved having to integrate the two parallel worlds i've created for myself. and it seems that lately these are growing ever farther apart from each other.
i mean, i want to teach, and i want to change the world. the only reason i even bothered applying to TFA in the first place was that it seemed like a good way to do both right out of college. i am extremely happy and glad to be invited into the corps. when it occurred to me that i could have been dismissed because of my recent writing, i was devastated and extremely regretful. but, i meant everything i said. only now i realize that i spoke too soon, too dramatically and with too little information. (TFA and Americorps refuse to pay you for hours of political activity done in your free time, but that certainly doesn't condemn political activity in its entirety.)
this is all merely to serve as a public disclaimer* to my previous post. though i meant everything i said about political activity and its importance to one's education, i don't think Teach for America is entirely encouraging political withdrawal (tho, realistically, they should also consider the message they're sending to recent college graduates, who are extremely sensitive to material threats and already possess predilections for political apathy - any threat of disciplinary action against political activity could be the death blow to political progress). and even though their "media sweeping" has me a little unnerved and uncomfortable (uh, "Big Brother" anyone?), i don't want visitors and devoted readers to think poorly on Teach For America and their policies. and of course, i applaud TFA for endeavoring to change the lives of our youth. they're right to recognize that hope for change and progress must occur in the schools.
after all, i'm a company (wo)man now, gotta toe the line...
-stephanie
*disclaimer #2: even with the knowledge that TFA ppl will probably be monitoring my blog on a regular basis from here on, i am going to continue trying to make this a safe space for my expression and reflection.
obviously, i was embarrassed. i felt like an utter ass having to talk to future co-workers and/or bosses about my flippant gut-rxn post about their organization (or is it our organization?... i guess i'm part of it too now, which makes me kind of a hypocrite and kind of a horrible colleague...)
then, i was confused: i heard the phrase "media sweep" (apparently Teach For America runs these regularly to see what's being said about them and i got caught up in the dredge [sic] report). later, i checked my sitemeter stats and realized i'd been receiving record traffic to the site today for my latest post, and felt a little overwhelmed at the sudden inadvertent attention my blog was attracting, and a little upset to realize my writing was becoming an issue of concern. (panic would hit later, when it occurred to me if they're reading this, what else are they finding about me? would they disapprove of what i was saying, would they try to censor me, or worse, ask me to censor myself?)
i was suspicious, too. i figured TFA had PR managers (if you're reading this, "hello!") and that they'd eventually catch wind of my blog and would be reading it for clues into my character or political leanings (in fact, it surprises me that i wasn't contacted earlier about it...) but there's something utterly jarring about talking to your future on the phone, and having to discuss your blog. i mean, having a conversation about my blog is always a strange thing for me. even when my friends and relatives allude to my writing here, it startles me. it seems private, even though i know it's not. there's a cathartic purpose to my writing, i leave it here, let it live and let it die, and it's always strange to me to have it brought up in my real life. i know that probably makes little sense, but i think that in many ways the identity i am forging here is different from the one i live day-to-day. maybe more honest, maybe more flippant, maybe freer, less tied down to institutional loyalties and less sensitive to organizational commitments. i guess the internet provides the freedom to publish without having to own up to anything... this is a persona i've created, this isn't me.
i say things here without thinking about how it may affect my life, but maybe even occasionally with the hope that it will. it's a delicate and vulnerable intimacy that i've chosen to share with the world in this public and exposed space. i've always been well aware of the precariousness of such a set-up, but never have i felt so unnerved having to integrate the two parallel worlds i've created for myself. and it seems that lately these are growing ever farther apart from each other.
i mean, i want to teach, and i want to change the world. the only reason i even bothered applying to TFA in the first place was that it seemed like a good way to do both right out of college. i am extremely happy and glad to be invited into the corps. when it occurred to me that i could have been dismissed because of my recent writing, i was devastated and extremely regretful. but, i meant everything i said. only now i realize that i spoke too soon, too dramatically and with too little information. (TFA and Americorps refuse to pay you for hours of political activity done in your free time, but that certainly doesn't condemn political activity in its entirety.)
this is all merely to serve as a public disclaimer* to my previous post. though i meant everything i said about political activity and its importance to one's education, i don't think Teach for America is entirely encouraging political withdrawal (tho, realistically, they should also consider the message they're sending to recent college graduates, who are extremely sensitive to material threats and already possess predilections for political apathy - any threat of disciplinary action against political activity could be the death blow to political progress). and even though their "media sweeping" has me a little unnerved and uncomfortable (uh, "Big Brother" anyone?), i don't want visitors and devoted readers to think poorly on Teach For America and their policies. and of course, i applaud TFA for endeavoring to change the lives of our youth. they're right to recognize that hope for change and progress must occur in the schools.
after all, i'm a company (wo)man now, gotta toe the line...
-stephanie
*disclaimer #2: even with the knowledge that TFA ppl will probably be monitoring my blog on a regular basis from here on, i am going to continue trying to make this a safe space for my expression and reflection.
**disclaimer #3: even after all this, i am most grateful to TFA for having the patience and understanding to excuse my last post, and to have the integrity not to dismiss me after the brash things i said. it truly reflects well on the character and dedication of the program that they were concerned for my feelings and sought to clarify miscommunication, rather than writing me off immediately. i was extremely impressed with them for being so forgiving and understanding, because i know that they didn't have to be. and for that reason, i think we're going to get along, and i am happy and proud to consider myself a part of the corps.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Lacanian Others: on love and the movies
"there are three absolutes: Life. Death. and Love."
- Dr. C.P. Gause
---
"i'm a thief, and a liar."
"it's OK. i like you anyway."
- Dr. C.P. Gause
---
"i'm a thief, and a liar."
"it's OK. i like you anyway."
---
it's hard to say what makes you love someone. i'm beginning to suspect love is something we created in the movies. every date out on the town getting dinner and drinks is reenacting something they saw on the screen. every move is a reflection of something they've seen. this isn't reel life, this is reality.
are we doomed to search for these projected loves, extant in only the collective imagination of our generation? will we lose forever in these battles because we haven't learned that the enemy is our selves?
we are searching for ideas, images, tautological feelings we've been conditioned to want, by advertisements and soaring movie soundtracks. we're trying to live the dream, to live what we see, to feel, to be. we internalize these ideas, then become frustrated when our "Others" don't project the images we'd had in mind. is that love?
the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan said that love is the thing we don't have that we are trying to give to someone who doesn't exist. in other words, a null set between the self and a nonexistent other... so sad, but canonical post-freudian psychology!
[mp3's, yousendit]
The Idea of You - The Neo-Futurists.
Our Life Is Not a Movie, Or Maybe - Okkervil River.
-stephan!e
Thursday, August 23, 2007
what's broken can always be fixed, what's fixed will always be broken
as some of you will remember, i fell in love with the music of a Swede named Jens Lekman.
and as the summer winds down and blows away, taking my memories of it (the smells, the touch and feels) away, too, i find myself listening to his music again. it always seems to find me in these liminal months, when i'm back in the midst of woods in Oxford, Ohio, awaiting the approach of autumn in the corners of rooms by windows, wishing it would rain to match my mood.
i think this is why i love Jens and his music: it allows me to relax and stop trying to articulate pangs i get about delicate moments, and be satisfied in knowing someone understands, that someone put it to song, with handclaps and gentle harp, and extravagant whistling.
i'm realizing time is fleeting. i spend my days now worrying about classes and homework, graduate exams, finding jobs, rushing to the library to grab all the books relevant to my research before someone else can, waiting for weekends so i can trip over to the woods or to the farmers' market. busy busy, always planning ahead, but never seeing directly in front of me.
i read a beautiful reflection on the death of a friend, on how the smallest details are what you always linger on to remember someone. "glances, touches, purchases, short phone calls, preparing a snack, standing in a doorway, taking off or putting on shoes." same goes for memories of your own life, i guess. all you have are moments.
which is why i return to Jens Lekman every summer, and especially why i listen to him now. he knows what it's like to want, more than anything, to prolong this moment, and every moment thereafter, to long to stretch out the spaces between seconds and climb inside and build a home. "The desire to go back to another time, to swim for a while there, and to cast it in rosy light. The doomed, daft act of revisiting a lost place and gilding it gold." [source]
-stef
---
speaking of moments, i stayed up all night remembering the summer in lost journal entries. i remember i've yet to fulfill my promise of posting writing from my summer travel journals. is there any desire any more?
Friday, August 03, 2007
elections 2008: how to get a Democrat in office
don't want this to happen again? then we better rethink our voting strategy...however, as an activist and as someone who would like to see significant progress made in my lifetime, i concede that we (the people) need help from those in more obvious states of power - the policy-makers, office-holders, our leaders and representatives in Washington - before we can realize progress.
and unfortunately, because of the sheer extremes the current administration has brought us to (widespread hatred for America and Americans, an international image of callous cowboy bravado), many - including myself - have decided that the only way to right our course is to elect a Democrat into office in 2008.
indeed, many activists have been working hard in the past years to build grassroots campaigns for Democrat candidates. in Ohio, recent election of Governor Strickland over Blackwell was seen as a huge win for the left. all over the nation, we are seeking a balance to the current administration by plugging in Democrats in every office imaginable.
so obviously, a lot is resting on the spot for Democratic candidate for President in 2008. and though i would LOVE to see either Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton make the ballot, i also have my reservations.
unfortunately, democracy in America is far more theory than practice: it's not "a government for the people, by the people," so much as a spectacle for the people to gawk and laugh at. (an emphasis on the idea of "spectacle" - we are not participating so much as we are watching.)
let's not forget that even if election by popular vote was actually practiced in the States (by which case Gore would have won and we could have avoided this discussion altogether), there still remains a stubborn majority of conservatives (and worse - neo-liberals!) in our country. conservatives who, even when faced with the travesties of justice inflicted on our nation by the Bush administration in the past 8 years, will still, undoubtedly, be reluctant to cast their vote for a Democrat, let alone a Black man or a woman (it's sad, but probably true).
what i fear is that neither of the forerunners in the Democratic camp will actually get elected. if offered a choice between a standard Republican candidate (from the country club set of old-fashioned white traditional values) and a minority candidate with liberal values, i fear most voters (not even just the conservative ones), even when reminded of the horrible events and misdeeds of the current administration, will still vote for the Republican.
regrettably, i don't think a majority of our citizenry is ready for change. at least, not the kind that would accompany the huge shift in paradigm that having Hilary or Obama in office would signify.
i hope i'm wrong. i really do. but it seems that if we want a Democrat in office in 2008, the best way is to vote John Edwards (he's got a kind of Kennedy feel about him...)
or is Al Gore still in the running...?
-stef
Saturday, July 28, 2007
the panopticon: Cebu Prison, Philippines and the role of YouTube in society
readers,
have you seen the prison dance tapes from Cebu Prison in the Philippines? they're quickly becoming huge hits on the web, and for good reason. they're amazing! seriously, i haven't seen musical theatre this good since i saw Les Miz on Broadway!
to be sure, just check out these meticulous recreations of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and "I Will Follow Him" from Sister Act:
now i'm not sure if this is considered cruel and unusual punishment in the Philippines, but it makes damn good watching on Youtube. which makes me wonder: is the Filipino prison taking the panopticon to new extremes?
consider the function of the panopticon, and these observations regarding these bemusing videos:
-the costumes (a balding, pony-tailed, made-up male inmate, wearing a halter top with falsies portraying MJ's steady girlfriend as she is mobbed by zombies)
-the music (are they singing? is there a band? is the music being piped thru the prison loudspeakers? or is the music dubbed over the original soundtrack? if the latter, what are the prisoners dancing to in real-time? a Filipino version of "Thriller"/"I will follow Him"?)
-the choreography (the spot on renditions make me think they had someone teaching them. how does one teach 1000+ prisoners intricate dance moves from the 80s with success? and that someone must have sat and analyzed the music video for weeks to figure out the whole routine. that's quite a commitment to the spirit of dance.)
-the filming (who's holding the camera? and what makes them suspect the performance they caught on tape is merely a practice round, as they say, and not the real thing? is it a guard? a tourist? are they ushering tourists thru the prison grounds and charging them admittance fees? and doesn't this bring Titicut Follies to mind?)
AND, when one searches for the "Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center," the reputed site of these performances, one can find nothing written about the actual Center itself, its prisoners, or its practices, other than the recent buzz on the blogs about - that's right - the very dances that brought you to search for the Prison in the first place. isn't there something a little bemusing, a little existentially tautological about that?
finally, consider all this in relation to the medium:
-we're watching these videos on YouTube, a site that has grown into somewhat of a phenomenon, injecting the daily monotony of the average person to the same level of consciousness as ground-breaking news and celebrity sightings. you can find as many videos of average people ranting about Britney Spears as you can find actual video of Britney Spears.
-Youtube, unlike network news, is always on and always available. = someone is always watching.
considering this in light of these prison videos is incredibly revelatory of the current role Youtube might be playing in our society: the media, always influencing us in the most surreptitious ways, when placed in our own hands, has the ability to make us repeat itself to our own detriment.
take a look at any Youtube video and you will see what i mean. genres are making and perpetuating themselves everyday. the vlog rant. the celebrity satire. the video journal. there's a degree of comfort in seeing "average" people "just like us" on Youtube, while at the same time, comments like "shut up you f*in whore, you ugly faced b*tch" proliferate on every Youtube channel.
while a sense of democracy and control is bolstered by the success of Youtube, we can't help but feel the media's ability to enforce certain standards of appearance and form and style is not altogether eliminated in the process.
thus the panopticon. always watched = always controlled.
-stefan!e
have you seen the prison dance tapes from Cebu Prison in the Philippines? they're quickly becoming huge hits on the web, and for good reason. they're amazing! seriously, i haven't seen musical theatre this good since i saw Les Miz on Broadway!
to be sure, just check out these meticulous recreations of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and "I Will Follow Him" from Sister Act:
now i'm not sure if this is considered cruel and unusual punishment in the Philippines, but it makes damn good watching on Youtube. which makes me wonder: is the Filipino prison taking the panopticon to new extremes?
consider the function of the panopticon, and these observations regarding these bemusing videos:
-the costumes (a balding, pony-tailed, made-up male inmate, wearing a halter top with falsies portraying MJ's steady girlfriend as she is mobbed by zombies)
-the music (are they singing? is there a band? is the music being piped thru the prison loudspeakers? or is the music dubbed over the original soundtrack? if the latter, what are the prisoners dancing to in real-time? a Filipino version of "Thriller"/"I will follow Him"?)
-the choreography (the spot on renditions make me think they had someone teaching them. how does one teach 1000+ prisoners intricate dance moves from the 80s with success? and that someone must have sat and analyzed the music video for weeks to figure out the whole routine. that's quite a commitment to the spirit of dance.)
-the filming (who's holding the camera? and what makes them suspect the performance they caught on tape is merely a practice round, as they say, and not the real thing? is it a guard? a tourist? are they ushering tourists thru the prison grounds and charging them admittance fees? and doesn't this bring Titicut Follies to mind?)
AND, when one searches for the "Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center," the reputed site of these performances, one can find nothing written about the actual Center itself, its prisoners, or its practices, other than the recent buzz on the blogs about - that's right - the very dances that brought you to search for the Prison in the first place. isn't there something a little bemusing, a little existentially tautological about that?
finally, consider all this in relation to the medium:
-we're watching these videos on YouTube, a site that has grown into somewhat of a phenomenon, injecting the daily monotony of the average person to the same level of consciousness as ground-breaking news and celebrity sightings. you can find as many videos of average people ranting about Britney Spears as you can find actual video of Britney Spears.
-Youtube, unlike network news, is always on and always available. = someone is always watching.
considering this in light of these prison videos is incredibly revelatory of the current role Youtube might be playing in our society: the media, always influencing us in the most surreptitious ways, when placed in our own hands, has the ability to make us repeat itself to our own detriment.
take a look at any Youtube video and you will see what i mean. genres are making and perpetuating themselves everyday. the vlog rant. the celebrity satire. the video journal. there's a degree of comfort in seeing "average" people "just like us" on Youtube, while at the same time, comments like "shut up you f*in whore, you ugly faced b*tch" proliferate on every Youtube channel.
while a sense of democracy and control is bolstered by the success of Youtube, we can't help but feel the media's ability to enforce certain standards of appearance and form and style is not altogether eliminated in the process.
thus the panopticon. always watched = always controlled.
-stefan!e
Saturday, March 31, 2007
what is love?
i wondered that tonight as i sipped a glass of wine at my open window, staring out at the twinkling crisp of night, listening to an album from last summer, on the speakers from an old computer, glancing over the books and movies cluttered on a rickety old shelf i scrounged up in my Chicago apartment, an old black n white film playing silently in the corner of my mind.
i don't think about love a lot these days. there's enough in trying to keep up with the daily realities and physical burdens of life at Miami to fret about love. i'd say i'm a non-believer, i distrust it, hate its power, would rather look than touch it.
the only reason i think about it now is b/c my literary theory professor defined love as "free will" and that has been troubling me ever since. it seems that were love to be defined that way, it would make for a lot of ppl in unrequited love, quite possibly the most ripping agony imaginable. i would know, i'm quite the expert on unrequited love. but aren't we all? how often do 2 ppl fall in love equally with one another at precisely the same time, to say that they are both freely in love with one another? it's hardly probable that love happens that way, more likely it's a game of courtship rituals played out until one side dominates over the other and the losing side relinquishes and gives in.
thus finding this "free will" definition rather odd, i searched the dictionary, and found this:
-an intense feeling of deep affection
-a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone
-a formula for ending an affectionate letter
it was the latter i was most intrigued by. apparently, love can be reduced to no more than the word on the page, a courtesy extended out of formality or social pressure. yet, at the same time, an intense feeling. deep affection. the most intimate of physical contacts. one and the same, it seems...
somewhere in here i could insert some Foucauldian analysis of devotion conventions, the culturally structured conception of love that gives it such irreducible power, its dominance of the individual and the recurrent agony suffered by those who refuse or fail to explode this system of thought. i could employ a Derridean deconstruction of the words and expectations surrounding "love."
but instead, i will leave you with the words of the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan, who said that love is the thing we don't have that we are trying to give to someone who doesn't exist. in other words, a null set between the self and a nonexistent other....so sad...but canonical post-freudian psychology!
i think i like the Taoist phraseing better, when Lao Tzu wrote that "tao called tao is not tao."
love,
stephan!e
i don't think about love a lot these days. there's enough in trying to keep up with the daily realities and physical burdens of life at Miami to fret about love. i'd say i'm a non-believer, i distrust it, hate its power, would rather look than touch it.
the only reason i think about it now is b/c my literary theory professor defined love as "free will" and that has been troubling me ever since. it seems that were love to be defined that way, it would make for a lot of ppl in unrequited love, quite possibly the most ripping agony imaginable. i would know, i'm quite the expert on unrequited love. but aren't we all? how often do 2 ppl fall in love equally with one another at precisely the same time, to say that they are both freely in love with one another? it's hardly probable that love happens that way, more likely it's a game of courtship rituals played out until one side dominates over the other and the losing side relinquishes and gives in.
thus finding this "free will" definition rather odd, i searched the dictionary, and found this:
-an intense feeling of deep affection
-a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone
-a formula for ending an affectionate letter
it was the latter i was most intrigued by. apparently, love can be reduced to no more than the word on the page, a courtesy extended out of formality or social pressure. yet, at the same time, an intense feeling. deep affection. the most intimate of physical contacts. one and the same, it seems...
somewhere in here i could insert some Foucauldian analysis of devotion conventions, the culturally structured conception of love that gives it such irreducible power, its dominance of the individual and the recurrent agony suffered by those who refuse or fail to explode this system of thought. i could employ a Derridean deconstruction of the words and expectations surrounding "love."
but instead, i will leave you with the words of the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan, who said that love is the thing we don't have that we are trying to give to someone who doesn't exist. in other words, a null set between the self and a nonexistent other....so sad...but canonical post-freudian psychology!
i think i like the Taoist phraseing better, when Lao Tzu wrote that "tao called tao is not tao."
love,
stephan!e
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
rhizomatic
sorry for the lack of posts, but lately i've been working on my thesis.
in fact, i'm making some impressive progress in gathering my resources. though no actual research has commenced yet (i haven't read a lot of the information i've found due to the sheer volume of it), i have some very interesting plans for the future, once the motivation strikes me.
allow yrself a small peek into my world, if you dare...
my recent research, as bookmarked on del.icio.us, includes some interesting theoretical discussion of Situationist, anarchist, and Marxist applications in daily life and practice.
-> has inspired much fevered and passionate writing, the makings of the beginning of a chapter of my thesis! sample below:
"Students for Staff [has] created an educational grassroots movement from the ground up, cemented with bonds of friendship and respect. We learn by doing together. Students for Staff (re)writes its text every day, and preserves/sustains itself through the passing down of histories of experience through individual relationships. The content of these experiences are found in the web of interactions extant among the members of this community. Because of the lack of a hierarchical power structure (as in the capitalist model), every individual has responsibilities and potentialities, multiplied by their roles in the community, and their commitments to its individual members. The potential for growth within such a community is thus exponential; as each member interacts and forms relationships with every other member, the strength of the connecting fibers mushrooms. The power in grassroots organizing is its rhizomatic potential: lateral roots whose blossoms continually reappear, never able to be stomped out."
--> this inspired by the philosophy of the rhizomatic:
[from Wikipedia:] The term rhizome has been used by Carl Jung as a metaphor, and by Gilles Deleuze as a concept, and refers to the botanical rhizome.
Gilles Deleuze and Félix Guattari used the term "rhizome" to describe theory and research that allows for multiple, non-hierarchical entry and exit points in data representation and interpretation. In A Thousand Plateaus, they opposed it to an arborescent conception of knowledge, which worked with dualist categories and binary choices. A rhizome works with horizontal and trans-species connections, while an arborescent model works with vertical and linear connections.
so, as you can see, i'm keeping busy.
back to the grindstone,
stephan!e
in fact, i'm making some impressive progress in gathering my resources. though no actual research has commenced yet (i haven't read a lot of the information i've found due to the sheer volume of it), i have some very interesting plans for the future, once the motivation strikes me.
allow yrself a small peek into my world, if you dare...
my recent research, as bookmarked on del.icio.us, includes some interesting theoretical discussion of Situationist, anarchist, and Marxist applications in daily life and practice.
-> has inspired much fevered and passionate writing, the makings of the beginning of a chapter of my thesis! sample below:
"Students for Staff [has] created an educational grassroots movement from the ground up, cemented with bonds of friendship and respect. We learn by doing together. Students for Staff (re)writes its text every day, and preserves/sustains itself through the passing down of histories of experience through individual relationships. The content of these experiences are found in the web of interactions extant among the members of this community. Because of the lack of a hierarchical power structure (as in the capitalist model), every individual has responsibilities and potentialities, multiplied by their roles in the community, and their commitments to its individual members. The potential for growth within such a community is thus exponential; as each member interacts and forms relationships with every other member, the strength of the connecting fibers mushrooms. The power in grassroots organizing is its rhizomatic potential: lateral roots whose blossoms continually reappear, never able to be stomped out."
--> this inspired by the philosophy of the rhizomatic:
[from Wikipedia:] The term rhizome has been used by Carl Jung as a metaphor, and by Gilles Deleuze as a concept, and refers to the botanical rhizome.
Carl Jung used the word "rhizome", also calling it a "myzel", to emphasize the invisible and underground nature of life:
- Life has always seemed to me like a plant that lives on its rhizome. Its true life is invisible, hidden in the rhizome. The part that appears above the ground lasts only a single summer. Then it withers away—an ephemeral apparition. When we think of the unending growth and decay of life and civilizations, we cannot escape the impression of absolute nullity. Yet I have never lost the sense of something that lives and endures beneath the eternal flux. What we see is blossom, which passes. The rhizome remains. (Prologue from "Memories, Dreams, Reflections")
Gilles Deleuze and Félix Guattari used the term "rhizome" to describe theory and research that allows for multiple, non-hierarchical entry and exit points in data representation and interpretation. In A Thousand Plateaus, they opposed it to an arborescent conception of knowledge, which worked with dualist categories and binary choices. A rhizome works with horizontal and trans-species connections, while an arborescent model works with vertical and linear connections.
so, as you can see, i'm keeping busy.
back to the grindstone,
stephan!e
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