Showing posts with label mp3. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mp3. Show all posts
Monday, January 23, 2012
alight on a rooftop with me, and let's nestle together and cast our gaze on the stars
lyrics for Andrew Bird's "Night Sky" (transcribed by me, as i listened to the mp3 below)
chorus:
sound is a wave, like a wave on the ocean
plays the ocean like a violin
pushing and pulling from shore to shore
biggest melody you never heard before
if i were the night sky (x2)
here's my lullaby
lullaby to the eve bye
if i were the night sky
verse 1:
what if we hadn't been born at the same time
what if you were 75 and i were 9
and i come visit you
bring you cookies in an old folks' home
would you be there alone?
when the late summer lightning fires off in your arms
will i remember to breathe?
you know i never will
if i could convince you that i mean you no harm
just wanna show you how not to need (/leave?)
what if i were the night sky?
here's my lullaby
lullaby to the eve bye
if i were the night
verse 2:
what if we hadn't been each other at the same time?
would you tell me all the stories from when you're young and in your prime
will i rock you to sleep
would you tell me all the secrets you don't need to keep
would i still miss you?
oh would you then
had been mine
chorus
[download mp3]
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
This American Life examines a Chinese life on the assembly line
EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY'RE DOING AND READ/LISTEN TO THIS RIGHT NOW.
i find it important to emphasize, that my absolute horror and disgust in reading this is less directed at the Chinese government and the Chinese leaders or even at the Chinese corporate heads who allow this condone this sick, sick operation (though, of course, they are fault here as well). what horrifies me and disgusts me most is actually the fact that American people are totally ok with/ ignorant of / willfully ignorant about it. we condone this kind of human rights abuse, because we want our crap to be cheaper, and we always want more of it.
think about how amazingly, completely backwards and effed up this is:
most things everything is made by machines, even the relatively simpler things that used to be made by hand, like sweaters, and books, even our food. most people probably think we live in the mechanized future, where handcrafted things are a luxury, a long-lost artifact of history and ancient cultures and the pioneers. so in an age of inconceivably advanced technology, where the machines get smaller and more complex and powerful year after year, you would expect these machines to also be borne from the labor and precision of machines. but, in fact, Mr. Disney tells us, they are assembled by hand, millions of precise hands, working repetitively in an unending mechanical whir. and, in fact, these millions of tiny hands are actually cheaper and more expendable than those big machines.
what makes that such a perverse and deplorable realization is compounded by the fact that those big expensive machines are what put people in America out of work. and here is where i get really angry: in America, where we have labor laws and unions and it's illegal to pay your workers nothing and have them work endless days, the big corporations figured it's actually cheaper and better for business to bring in those big machines. that's what happened in the coal industry, and the automobile industry, and many other industries: human labor got replaced with non-stop, wageless, liability-free machines. other corporations, who couldn't use machines (such as computer manufacturers, i guess), shipped the jobs overseas, to China and India, where they could get human hands to build their products and still get paid next to nothing.
and the really terrible thing is, that China's and India's wages keep dropping year after year, to "stay competitive" with one another in the international market for jobs. so you see, this is a compounding problem that grows worse year after year, with no foreseeable end, because the trend in dropping prices of tech products comes at the price of workers' wages and working conditions.
but, slave labor does not necessarily have to exist in order for these markets to exist. if American companies, such as Apple, commit to fair labor practices (as Apple just did, in joining the FLA), they set the standard for business practices around the world. if American companies demand ethical practices from their suppliers and partners, businesses and employers around the world will change to meet the demand. American companies and American consumers need to demand and expect better.
what does it mean for something, everything to be “made in china?”
fascinating/horrifying revelations of the factories and working conditions in china that make all the shit you take for granted.
Shenzhen is a city without history. The people who live there will tell you that, because 31 years ago Shenzhen was a small town. It had little reed huts, little reed walkways between the huts. The men would fish in the late afternoon. I hear it was lovely. Today Shenzhen is a city of 14 million people. It is larger than New York City. Depending on how you count it, it's the third largest city in all of China. It is the place where almost all of your crap comes from.
And the most amazing thing is, almost no one in America knows its name. Isn't that remarkable that there's a city where almost all of our crap comes from, and no one knows its name? I mean, we think we do know where our crap comes from. We're not ignorant. We think our crap comes from China, right? Kind of a generalized way. China.But it doesn't come from China. It comes from Shenzhen. It's a city. It's a place.
Shenzhen looks like Blade Runner threw up on itself. LEDs, neon, and 15-story-high video walls covered in ugly Chinese advertising. It's everything they promised us the future would be.
[...]31 years ago, when Deng Xiaoping carved this area off from the rest of China with a big red pen, he said, this will be the special economic zone. And he made a deal with the corporations. He said listen, use our people. Do whatever you want to our people. Just give us a modern China. And the corporations took that deal, and they squeezed and they squeezed. And what they got was the Shenzhen we find today.
think about how amazingly, completely backwards and effed up this is:
As a creature of the First World, I expect a factory making complex electronics will have the sound of machinery, but in a place where the cost of labor is effectively zero, anything that can be made by hand is made by hand. No matter how complex your electronics are, they are assembled by thousands and thousands of tiny little fingers working in concert. And in those vast spaces, the only sound is the sound of bodies in constant, unending motion.modern technology has advanced to such a degree that we (Americans) assume
what makes that such a perverse and deplorable realization is compounded by the fact that those big expensive machines are what put people in America out of work. and here is where i get really angry: in America, where we have labor laws and unions and it's illegal to pay your workers nothing and have them work endless days, the big corporations figured it's actually cheaper and better for business to bring in those big machines. that's what happened in the coal industry, and the automobile industry, and many other industries: human labor got replaced with non-stop, wageless, liability-free machines. other corporations, who couldn't use machines (such as computer manufacturers, i guess), shipped the jobs overseas, to China and India, where they could get human hands to build their products and still get paid next to nothing.
and the really terrible thing is, that China's and India's wages keep dropping year after year, to "stay competitive" with one another in the international market for jobs. so you see, this is a compounding problem that grows worse year after year, with no foreseeable end, because the trend in dropping prices of tech products comes at the price of workers' wages and working conditions.
but, slave labor does not necessarily have to exist in order for these markets to exist. if American companies, such as Apple, commit to fair labor practices (as Apple just did, in joining the FLA), they set the standard for business practices around the world. if American companies demand ethical practices from their suppliers and partners, businesses and employers around the world will change to meet the demand. American companies and American consumers need to demand and expect better.
Monday, May 25, 2009
THE SUMMER NEVER ENDS.
a summer mix from my friend (and yours), Jens Lekman. i have been blasting this all morning long. it's like an endless dance party on the deck of a cruise ship here in my room. and i'm imagining all the summer dance parties that will no doubt include this song and a plethora of mixed drinks served up in coconut shells. i'm inventing dance moves, babe. have you seen this one? (strikes a ballroom frame, mixes in some tap feet, some salsa hips, ends with a figure skating flourish).
it's the SUMMAH, honey. let's blast this all week long and dance until we can't feel our feet, until this party can't be contained, and the only choice is to move this out into the street so others can see what a goddamned good time we are having. this beat is a virus, baby, and you can't help but catch it.
Jens Lekman, you fiend, you harbinger of smiles and dance crazes, you're brilliant.
listen: THE SUMMER NEVER ENDS [mp3]
(excerpt from) The Summer Never Ends /// I Really Think That We Can Make It Girl /// Nicolette Larsson - Lotta Love /// The Embassy - State 08 /// (excerpt from) New Directions /// Coke Escovedo - I Wouldn't Change A Thing /// Filippo Trecca - La Morte Dell'erminia /// His name is Mikael Carlsson, her name is Alicia Keys /// Lamont Dozier - Blue Sky and Silver Bird /// Cat Stevens - If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out /// Jeff Perry - Love Don't Come No Stronger /// Good News - Australia /// Baby's Gang - America /// American Breed - Always You
Jens samples exhausted music and brings it back to life thru non-sequitur, free range connections. he keeps a blog and interviews comediennes, here.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
hard to shake
22 years of prior experience are telling me it should be summer already: it's late May, the weather has been consistently warm and sunny for the last few weeks, kids are playing outside, couples are walking hand in hand down the streets, baby animals are everywhere. and me, i'm itching to wear my summer dresses, put sandals on my feet, eat popsicles, and read all day.
unfortunately, while i'm watching all my friends around the world begin to unwind and slip into that lazy sun-induced ennui known as summer vacation, here in Southern California, the kiddos still have 4 more weeks of school, so here i am, as their math and science teacher, planning the last units of my first year of teaching, taking 5 more weeks of graduate classes, and studying for a certification exam.
but that seems so amazing. 4 weeks! that's all i have left! in a year that has been full of disappointments, extreme frustration, anxiety, hopelessness and downtrodden unshakable depression, the fact that i can say "4 weeks left" seems like a miracle. goodness, i'm so close to being done!!!!
and then it's Istanbul, boyfriend, beaches, Paris, gelato, and lots of all those summer things i want.
bring it on home,
stef
[mp3] "Bring it on Home to Me" by Sam Cooke
unfortunately, while i'm watching all my friends around the world begin to unwind and slip into that lazy sun-induced ennui known as summer vacation, here in Southern California, the kiddos still have 4 more weeks of school, so here i am, as their math and science teacher, planning the last units of my first year of teaching, taking 5 more weeks of graduate classes, and studying for a certification exam.
but that seems so amazing. 4 weeks! that's all i have left! in a year that has been full of disappointments, extreme frustration, anxiety, hopelessness and downtrodden unshakable depression, the fact that i can say "4 weeks left" seems like a miracle. goodness, i'm so close to being done!!!!
and then it's Istanbul, boyfriend, beaches, Paris, gelato, and lots of all those summer things i want.
bring it on home,
stef
[mp3] "Bring it on Home to Me" by Sam Cooke
Saturday, March 21, 2009
dancing in the dark
i've said it before, and i'll continue to say it again: i love The Boss.
nothing encapsulates the complexity of being born in america in the 1980s like Springsteen and synthesizer, and i mean this in earnest. while the musical and cultural products of the '80s as a whole would seem to have tainted history's perception of the decade, what with the proliferation of horrible one-hit wonders and abusive overuse of the moog, The Boss remains the 80s' single greatest gift to American music. and what's more, he's the gift that keeps on giving (thank you!)
that's because there is a permanence to Springsteen's music that defied the limits of 1980s materialism and spectacle (the same values American Psycho critiques in this scene). while '80s hair bands and rock groups found short-lived success by cannibalizing tried and true guitar riffs and appealing to a brief moment's gaudy aesthetics and conventions, Springsteen wrote epic stories about human suffering and loneliness, about working night shifts in steel factories, driving thru abandoned city streets, love, desperation, the hunger and hope for a better life. in short, the american dream and the american way of life.
and though Springsteen's staunchly american aesthetic can be a deterrent to some (my boyfriend once described it as "jingoistic"), it is precisely the way in which he represents America that i find seductive. he sings of heroes doomed to Sysiphean fates, working low wage jobs and searching for escape. unlike the ass-kicking beer-swigging mythos of modern country music, Springsteen's music is complex, genuine, underscored with hardship and persistence. while the former are simulacra, Springsteen's America possesses a history of emotion and suffering. yet, there is a gloomy/gritty hopefulness – despite feeling so defeated, there remains release and splendor, in a midnight drive, in a passionate embrace, in that guitar, in that harmonica, in a dance in the dark.
this is an America i can identify with and feel proud of, one that struggles to overcome disillusionment, but struggles unflichingly.
to put it in other terms: i rediscovered the album Born in the USA this weekend, 2+ decades after its initial release. i was reluctant to listen to it, not knowing if the music would translate well over the expanse of time. i worried that the synthesizers would make me cringe. but this is perhaps a fitting example of the complexity i'm talking about, that the same music revisited not only revealed layers, but became more beautiful because of its history coupled with my experience. the synthesizers not only go unnoticed, but sound like organs. they're an artifact of the zeitgeist of the 80s, but not a distractor from the permanence of the music.
i used to listen to Bruce Springsteen in the car with my mom on the weekends. his music would come on the radio and i would sing along to words whose sentiments i didn't fully understand. back then, i only understood them as a widely experienced "happy" feeling, the same excitement as a surprise trip to get ice cream, or a snow day.
as a young girl growing up, watching the "Dancing in the Dark" video would make me so terribly happy that the only logical impulse was to dance uncontrollably in the living room of our suburban house, flailing arms and kicking my legs, pretending to snap, shaking my hair. to be honest, i still do that. Courteney Cox was a real-life hero as far as i was concerned, b/c she had the balls to get up on stage and dance with The Boss. i wanted to be her. i mean, who didn't?
but i feel even more elated watching this video today, myself now a grown woman, as i listen to the lyrics, which speak to me in ways i couldn't have understood them before:
and this is why i love Bruce Springsteen. there is endurance in his music that never fails to make me happy. i listen to his music now and understand, completely, why every man, woman and child growing up in america for the last few decades has been absolutely seduced by his dream of america.
-stephan!e
to help make my case:
"I'm On Fire" [mp3]
"Thunder Road" [mp3 - how can you not fall in love with that harmonica solo?]
"Thunder Road (Live in 1999)" [mp3]
+ a fellow blogger's analysis of Springsteen's music and a comparison to the Stones.
+ Bruce Springsteen's website, with lyrics and audio clips.
nothing encapsulates the complexity of being born in america in the 1980s like Springsteen and synthesizer, and i mean this in earnest. while the musical and cultural products of the '80s as a whole would seem to have tainted history's perception of the decade, what with the proliferation of horrible one-hit wonders and abusive overuse of the moog, The Boss remains the 80s' single greatest gift to American music. and what's more, he's the gift that keeps on giving (thank you!)
that's because there is a permanence to Springsteen's music that defied the limits of 1980s materialism and spectacle (the same values American Psycho critiques in this scene). while '80s hair bands and rock groups found short-lived success by cannibalizing tried and true guitar riffs and appealing to a brief moment's gaudy aesthetics and conventions, Springsteen wrote epic stories about human suffering and loneliness, about working night shifts in steel factories, driving thru abandoned city streets, love, desperation, the hunger and hope for a better life. in short, the american dream and the american way of life.
and though Springsteen's staunchly american aesthetic can be a deterrent to some (my boyfriend once described it as "jingoistic"), it is precisely the way in which he represents America that i find seductive. he sings of heroes doomed to Sysiphean fates, working low wage jobs and searching for escape. unlike the ass-kicking beer-swigging mythos of modern country music, Springsteen's music is complex, genuine, underscored with hardship and persistence. while the former are simulacra, Springsteen's America possesses a history of emotion and suffering. yet, there is a gloomy/gritty hopefulness – despite feeling so defeated, there remains release and splendor, in a midnight drive, in a passionate embrace, in that guitar, in that harmonica, in a dance in the dark.
this is an America i can identify with and feel proud of, one that struggles to overcome disillusionment, but struggles unflichingly.
---
to put it in other terms: i rediscovered the album Born in the USA this weekend, 2+ decades after its initial release. i was reluctant to listen to it, not knowing if the music would translate well over the expanse of time. i worried that the synthesizers would make me cringe. but this is perhaps a fitting example of the complexity i'm talking about, that the same music revisited not only revealed layers, but became more beautiful because of its history coupled with my experience. the synthesizers not only go unnoticed, but sound like organs. they're an artifact of the zeitgeist of the 80s, but not a distractor from the permanence of the music.
i used to listen to Bruce Springsteen in the car with my mom on the weekends. his music would come on the radio and i would sing along to words whose sentiments i didn't fully understand. back then, i only understood them as a widely experienced "happy" feeling, the same excitement as a surprise trip to get ice cream, or a snow day.
as a young girl growing up, watching the "Dancing in the Dark" video would make me so terribly happy that the only logical impulse was to dance uncontrollably in the living room of our suburban house, flailing arms and kicking my legs, pretending to snap, shaking my hair. to be honest, i still do that. Courteney Cox was a real-life hero as far as i was concerned, b/c she had the balls to get up on stage and dance with The Boss. i wanted to be her. i mean, who didn't?
but i feel even more elated watching this video today, myself now a grown woman, as i listen to the lyrics, which speak to me in ways i couldn't have understood them before:
I get up in the evening
and I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help
[...]
Message keeps getting clearer
radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place
I check my look in the mirror
I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man I ain't getting nowhere
I'm just living in a dump like this
There's something happening somewhere
baby I just know that there is
[...]
You sit around getting older
there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
come on baby this laugh's on me
Stay on the streets of this town
and they'll be carving you up alright
They say you gotta stay hungry
hey baby I'm just about starving tonight
I'm dying for some action
I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book
I need a love reaction
come on now baby gimme just one look
You can't start a fire sitting 'round crying over a broken heart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
there's a restlessness i can identify with here, as i sit in my apartment in LA, wondering how i got so caught up with my job, feeling old, wondering where the excitement went in my life. i'm tired of sitting around getting older, trying to write this book, i'm tired of having nothing to say, and worrying about my little world falling apart. i ain't nothing but tired, i'm just tired and bored with myself. i'm dying for some action, i want to dance, i want a little spark.and I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help
[...]
Message keeps getting clearer
radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place
I check my look in the mirror
I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man I ain't getting nowhere
I'm just living in a dump like this
There's something happening somewhere
baby I just know that there is
[...]
You sit around getting older
there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
come on baby this laugh's on me
Stay on the streets of this town
and they'll be carving you up alright
They say you gotta stay hungry
hey baby I'm just about starving tonight
I'm dying for some action
I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book
I need a love reaction
come on now baby gimme just one look
You can't start a fire sitting 'round crying over a broken heart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
and this is why i love Bruce Springsteen. there is endurance in his music that never fails to make me happy. i listen to his music now and understand, completely, why every man, woman and child growing up in america for the last few decades has been absolutely seduced by his dream of america.
-stephan!e
to help make my case:
"I'm On Fire" [mp3]
"Thunder Road" [mp3 - how can you not fall in love with that harmonica solo?]
"Thunder Road (Live in 1999)" [mp3]
+ a fellow blogger's analysis of Springsteen's music and a comparison to the Stones.
+ Bruce Springsteen's website, with lyrics and audio clips.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
don't lose this again.
this song [mp3] disappeared from the airwaves after my harddrive crashed, but stayed in my memory.
and tonight it creeped back, demanding to be heard.
it's not the lyrics, but the phrase, "soon enough," that today, seems to be all i need, all i want to hear. enough to remind me that some things return, some things you retain, some things you never lose.
soon enough. soon enough. work. love. soon enough.
8 more days.
-stephan!e
and tonight it creeped back, demanding to be heard.
it's not the lyrics, but the phrase, "soon enough," that today, seems to be all i need, all i want to hear. enough to remind me that some things return, some things you retain, some things you never lose.
soon enough. soon enough. work. love. soon enough.
8 more days.
-stephan!e
Monday, November 03, 2008
a change is gonna come
i am so nervous and excited about tomorrow's election results that i am having trouble doing anything but reminiscing and imagining the future. for the whole of my political and social consciousness, i've only known a world of disappointing Bush policies and political farce. i can almost hardly imagine living in an america i am proud of, where i trust and believe in my government and my president. but, i am ready for a change.
it's been hard for me in the past months to watch all the election coverage and read the news about the grassroots efforts to support Obama and have to remain removed from it. hard for me to feel like teaching my little classes of 6th graders california math and science standards was a better use of my time and energy than campaigning to ensure fair elections. it was hard for me to understand how best to take part in achieving the ideal of america i wanted to see. admittedly, i was never really a huge fan of Obama, but i like the energy and enthusiasm he's breathed into the political process (eventhough i think his stances on policies are kinda lackluster and stale). i think Obama's significance is his function as a symbol of hope, change, and youthful energy, and that is sadly all i'm looking for right now from my political system. the thought of his possible loss is just too tragic to imagine. i get sick to my stomach thinking of the possible repurcussions. i think that if Obama loses this election, millions of young ppl will be forever removed and distrustful of the political process, will lose their belief in that great dream called Democracy.
so here i am: a middle school teacher in south central LA, close enough to one of the few remaining battleground states (Nevada) that skipping work to do political work has been tempting, discussing the main issues (abortion, gun control, same-sex marriage, immigration) with my 6th graders and hoping they take my political excitement home to their parents, incapable of planning a math lesson tonight b/c i keep thinkingabout tomorrow and how our lives might change, and the futures of my 6th graders could change, starting Wednesday, but wondering if, wishing, i could have done more.
it's funny: in the past four years, i think i always imagined things differently. as a freshman in college, having organized and canvassed for Election 04 ("anything but Bush") in ohio and being devastated and heartbroken by the results of those efforts, i was disenchanted and confused and vowed that wherever i was in 08, i'd be working even harder for election and campaign efforts. i imagined myself as a grad student, going door-to-door, leafletting, helping voters with registrations and absentee ballots, educating citizens about the issues and getting ppl excited. basically, insert a slightly more grown-up me onto a generic college campus doing almost the same thing i was doing in undergrad. it's just so funny to think back on that and see where i actually ended up, and how laidback and immobile the actual future-me ended up being.
and now, with only about 24 hours before the results of the election will be revealed, i'm remembering the same feeling i felt four years ago: the terrific electricity of knowing that possibly, in the space of a few hours, a new president will be in office, and potentially great things could begin to happen again. this moment is bringing back memories of me as a freshman in college, of waiting in the writing center late at night watching the results slowly coming in, tired from a day's hard work at the polls in the pouring rain. everyone abuzz with energy and excitement as we held on to our hopes that our work had paid off, replaced by negativity and disbelief when the results eventually revealed a Bush win. i'm hoping and praying to the cosmos that i don't see a tragic repeat of that 2004 election day, because my lack of action this time around will have me even more devastated and angry at myself for the loss.
so, for the sake of memories and posterity, a song for change, and a flashback (a blog post written November 3, 2004 – the eve of election night):
"A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke [mp3]
-stef
it's been hard for me in the past months to watch all the election coverage and read the news about the grassroots efforts to support Obama and have to remain removed from it. hard for me to feel like teaching my little classes of 6th graders california math and science standards was a better use of my time and energy than campaigning to ensure fair elections. it was hard for me to understand how best to take part in achieving the ideal of america i wanted to see. admittedly, i was never really a huge fan of Obama, but i like the energy and enthusiasm he's breathed into the political process (eventhough i think his stances on policies are kinda lackluster and stale). i think Obama's significance is his function as a symbol of hope, change, and youthful energy, and that is sadly all i'm looking for right now from my political system. the thought of his possible loss is just too tragic to imagine. i get sick to my stomach thinking of the possible repurcussions. i think that if Obama loses this election, millions of young ppl will be forever removed and distrustful of the political process, will lose their belief in that great dream called Democracy.
so here i am: a middle school teacher in south central LA, close enough to one of the few remaining battleground states (Nevada) that skipping work to do political work has been tempting, discussing the main issues (abortion, gun control, same-sex marriage, immigration) with my 6th graders and hoping they take my political excitement home to their parents, incapable of planning a math lesson tonight b/c i keep thinkingabout tomorrow and how our lives might change, and the futures of my 6th graders could change, starting Wednesday, but wondering if, wishing, i could have done more.
it's funny: in the past four years, i think i always imagined things differently. as a freshman in college, having organized and canvassed for Election 04 ("anything but Bush") in ohio and being devastated and heartbroken by the results of those efforts, i was disenchanted and confused and vowed that wherever i was in 08, i'd be working even harder for election and campaign efforts. i imagined myself as a grad student, going door-to-door, leafletting, helping voters with registrations and absentee ballots, educating citizens about the issues and getting ppl excited. basically, insert a slightly more grown-up me onto a generic college campus doing almost the same thing i was doing in undergrad. it's just so funny to think back on that and see where i actually ended up, and how laidback and immobile the actual future-me ended up being.
and now, with only about 24 hours before the results of the election will be revealed, i'm remembering the same feeling i felt four years ago: the terrific electricity of knowing that possibly, in the space of a few hours, a new president will be in office, and potentially great things could begin to happen again. this moment is bringing back memories of me as a freshman in college, of waiting in the writing center late at night watching the results slowly coming in, tired from a day's hard work at the polls in the pouring rain. everyone abuzz with energy and excitement as we held on to our hopes that our work had paid off, replaced by negativity and disbelief when the results eventually revealed a Bush win. i'm hoping and praying to the cosmos that i don't see a tragic repeat of that 2004 election day, because my lack of action this time around will have me even more devastated and angry at myself for the loss.
so, for the sake of memories and posterity, a song for change, and a flashback (a blog post written November 3, 2004 – the eve of election night):
"A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke [mp3]
-stef
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
maple leaves
"oh please God bring relief
even if it's only brief
she says that we were just make-believe
but I thought she said maple leaves...
... and when she talked about the fall
I thought she talked about the season
I never understood at all."
- Maple Leaves [mp3] by Jens Lekman.
that's me three years ago, enjoying a wallow in the leaves with friends.
this became an annual tradition for me and a few friends, oh i miss it so!
[photo credit Se4n.]
i got an email from my friend Sara tonight. she gave me an update on the goings-on back home, the activisms i've left behind, and she spoke of the leaves in the Fall and how spectacular they are. i can hardly believe it: one season spent away from home and i've already forgotten what it means to have an autumn, to feel the weather change and to trade in flip flops for boots, to bundle up and enjoy a walk with crisp leaves underfoot, the smell of summer leaving the leaves, the smell of air pressure changing and the way the woods get damper and colder and the smell of the rocks on the trails.
i miss all those things. i was just thinking about the last week of school last year. i remember one night walking out to my car, it must've been close to midnight, and the stars were out and the moon was brilliant and casting crisp light onto the treetops, and the wind was perfect, just chilly enough to justify wearing my jacket, my hands grateful for the large pockets. it was hushed and peaceful that night, unusually calm, i think finals were winding down and everyone had worn themselves out from studying or partying, or had moved home early. i remember pausing in the middle of the parking lot, craning my neck to stare at the sky, trying to remember what the immensity of that moment felt like. it was perfect. i wanted to live in that moment forever.
i miss the way weather affects my mood. in LA, i don't have good days just because of the way the sun is shining differently (because it never varies) and i don't get to appreciate the way the wind feels extra comforting one day over the rest. i miss those fall days when the weather is such a seductive companion, stealing you away from your work, abandoning work that always remains, always accumulates, to enjoy fleeting moments of sunshine and breeze.
her email made me homesick. i miss the feeling of fall. here, it gets cold enough to make me enjoy my bed's warmth, to make it harder to get up in the mornings, but when i get off from work, it's still 90 degrees out and smoggy. i want to live in a place where the seasons change.
-stef
p.s. i wrote this post with the hope that some of you could send me photos of the changing leaves. it would help me to remember home. send to free [dot] radical [dot] lee [at] gmail [dot] com. thx!
even if it's only brief
she says that we were just make-believe
but I thought she said maple leaves...
... and when she talked about the fall
I thought she talked about the season
I never understood at all."
- Maple Leaves [mp3] by Jens Lekman.
that's me three years ago, enjoying a wallow in the leaves with friends.this became an annual tradition for me and a few friends, oh i miss it so!
[photo credit Se4n.]
i got an email from my friend Sara tonight. she gave me an update on the goings-on back home, the activisms i've left behind, and she spoke of the leaves in the Fall and how spectacular they are. i can hardly believe it: one season spent away from home and i've already forgotten what it means to have an autumn, to feel the weather change and to trade in flip flops for boots, to bundle up and enjoy a walk with crisp leaves underfoot, the smell of summer leaving the leaves, the smell of air pressure changing and the way the woods get damper and colder and the smell of the rocks on the trails.
i miss all those things. i was just thinking about the last week of school last year. i remember one night walking out to my car, it must've been close to midnight, and the stars were out and the moon was brilliant and casting crisp light onto the treetops, and the wind was perfect, just chilly enough to justify wearing my jacket, my hands grateful for the large pockets. it was hushed and peaceful that night, unusually calm, i think finals were winding down and everyone had worn themselves out from studying or partying, or had moved home early. i remember pausing in the middle of the parking lot, craning my neck to stare at the sky, trying to remember what the immensity of that moment felt like. it was perfect. i wanted to live in that moment forever.
i miss the way weather affects my mood. in LA, i don't have good days just because of the way the sun is shining differently (because it never varies) and i don't get to appreciate the way the wind feels extra comforting one day over the rest. i miss those fall days when the weather is such a seductive companion, stealing you away from your work, abandoning work that always remains, always accumulates, to enjoy fleeting moments of sunshine and breeze.
her email made me homesick. i miss the feeling of fall. here, it gets cold enough to make me enjoy my bed's warmth, to make it harder to get up in the mornings, but when i get off from work, it's still 90 degrees out and smoggy. i want to live in a place where the seasons change.
-stef
p.s. i wrote this post with the hope that some of you could send me photos of the changing leaves. it would help me to remember home. send to free [dot] radical [dot] lee [at] gmail [dot] com. thx!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
should we pretend?
from Dr. Dog's "The Rabbit The Bat and The Reindeer," off their new album Fate (2008):
Well, I don't want a thing to do with your kind
And I ain't got no time to kill on your dime
Strung up, hanging 'round
Looking like you're upside down
Well, I ain't wanting to shed no blood, that's your crime
And I ain't wanting to sling no mud, I clean it up
You ain't what I'd call a friend
I wouldn't even if I could pretend
Man, you ain't like anybody else
As night becomes the sun to rise
As dirt becomes the butterflies
As sure as though it always seems to stay the same
And I'll be waiting anxiously
And I'll be falling fast asleep
And I'll be dreaming of the day the dream died
Uh huh
No sticks, no stones could break my bones like you can
If I knew hate, I'd call it love for you, man
High up on the hill, cheaper than a dollar bill
Man, you ain't like anybody else
Should we pretend that it's the end?
Are you my curse or are you my friend?
And if we got hit to the end of the road
Will you be there to carry my load?
I'm getting it back with that terrible feeling
My vision is cracked, but it looks like it's healing
I'm getting it back like it's four in the morning
When the sun only shines as if it's giving a warning
I'm getting it back with the rest of the leap year
I'm keeping the rabbit, the bat, and the reindeer
I'm getting it out, whatever I've gotta keep in
I'm telling the truth, said it don't win with pretend
Should we pretend?
Should we pretend?
Should we pretend?
check it: [mp3]
(and check out the new album. it really hits home in the second half, makes me forget to move at high speeds, reminds me to take 'er easy and wind down for a sit and stare on a windy porch...)
love-ing it. it's thursday night, which means i'm probly gonna be awake to greet Friday morning.
never have i been so eager to Thank God for it!
-stef
Well, I don't want a thing to do with your kind
And I ain't got no time to kill on your dime
Strung up, hanging 'round
Looking like you're upside down
Well, I ain't wanting to shed no blood, that's your crime
And I ain't wanting to sling no mud, I clean it up
You ain't what I'd call a friend
I wouldn't even if I could pretend
Man, you ain't like anybody else
As night becomes the sun to rise
As dirt becomes the butterflies
As sure as though it always seems to stay the same
And I'll be waiting anxiously
And I'll be falling fast asleep
And I'll be dreaming of the day the dream died
Uh huh
No sticks, no stones could break my bones like you can
If I knew hate, I'd call it love for you, man
High up on the hill, cheaper than a dollar bill
Man, you ain't like anybody else
Should we pretend that it's the end?
Are you my curse or are you my friend?
And if we got hit to the end of the road
Will you be there to carry my load?
I'm getting it back with that terrible feeling
My vision is cracked, but it looks like it's healing
I'm getting it back like it's four in the morning
When the sun only shines as if it's giving a warning
I'm getting it back with the rest of the leap year
I'm keeping the rabbit, the bat, and the reindeer
I'm getting it out, whatever I've gotta keep in
I'm telling the truth, said it don't win with pretend
Should we pretend?
Should we pretend?
Should we pretend?
check it: [mp3]
(and check out the new album. it really hits home in the second half, makes me forget to move at high speeds, reminds me to take 'er easy and wind down for a sit and stare on a windy porch...)
love-ing it. it's thursday night, which means i'm probly gonna be awake to greet Friday morning.
never have i been so eager to Thank God for it!
-stef
Friday, May 30, 2008
reader rescue
all the things now missing from my life. but you can help me! read on...
in light of the recent death of my external harddrive (R.I.P. Jannik the swedish harddrive, 2007-08), i have been doing everything i can to try to fill in the now gaping holes in my life.
the most pressing thing, since i am such a huge audiophile, has been trying to recover my music library. i think my music taste exploded dramatically in the past year and a half, and i accumulated hundreds upon hundreds of albums, many rarities, which i am sorely sorry i didn't back up more regularly.
the last 24 hours have been a struggle to retrace my steps, racking my brain for lists of favorite artists and albums, trying to remember a faint and distant tune and trying to locate its context. it's like trying to recreate a complex recipe from the few scraps of leftovers you have from the night before. all i have are memories...
i grabbed lunch with my ma and bro today and when they flitted off to doctors' appointments, i wandered around the UK campus, where i was grossly ogled by a campus police officer as i walked by a drug bust (weird), and then i made my way to the independent bookstores. i only meant to go for a walk, but my sadness and desperation were too much and my will power was destroyed. i succumbed to some retail therapy and blew 50 bucks at CD Central in an attempt to fill in the gaps and now i'm ten albums closer to happy again (hey, i have no regrets. the albums were used. AND it's a local record store. i'm a sucker for supporting local independent businesses, especially if it means i can pop some Grizzly Bear into the cd player as soon as i get home.) alas, soon there will be holes in my pocketbook... (i need a job! i think after i'm done sorting thru my old clothes i'll make little bags and purses out of them. that sounds like a fun project. not necessarily lucrative, but i need to do something with my hands!)
oh, anyway, the real purpose for my post today is that i have a request to make of you, dear readers. my friends, with all my music now gone and possibly irrecoverable, the blog is, once again, my only way to retrace certain memories and their audio accompaniment. just looking thru the posts labeled "MP3" on the blog here, i can already identify several songs i would LOVE to have in my possession again. i'm assuming some of you took advantage of the downloads i put up for a time and now have them at your listening convenience? lucky you...
see, the beauty of this blog is that it often gives. and now, you, dear, precious, esteemed, good-looking reader, have the opportunity to give back. you have the power of edification in your hands! you can help reunite me with some of my favorite songs. you could make me so intensely happy, the waves of good vibes i will be sending you across the internet and geographic space alone will be enough to justify your trouble.
here's what i want: if any of you have mp3s of the following songs, please leave a comment below and we'll be in touch. (links are to blog posts in which i originally shared them with you)
"At the Hop" by Devendra Banhart
"Are Birthdays Happy?" by Jens Lekman
"Tonight, Tonight" by the Smashing Pumpkins
"The Idea of You" by the Neo-Futurists
the avocado couch podcast i did on covers
"Little Brother" by Grizzly Bear
thanks in advance. and have some preliminary good energy waves:
"Disarm" [mp3] by the Smashing Pumpkins
x's+ o's
-stefanie
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
happy bro day!
today is my younger brother's birthday! he turns the 1-9. nothing particularly special (about turning 19), but he's a good guy, so i hope he has a really great day.he's living down in Durham, NC and going to Duke to study engineering/ accounting/ education/?who knows what's intriguing him these days. he's pretty easily intrigued. he's also a pretty easy conversationalist. unless he's uncomfortable. or hot. he's hot a lot lately. that's because he lives in the room above the furnace. he eats more than 12 meals* a week. he works out a lot and tans really easy. i freestyled a song about his tanlines last summer. he was running and i was riding my bike. he almost let me film it, but i couldn't ride and sing and film and laugh at the same time. so i didn't.
he's a lot of other great things too, but my words aren't good today. i've used them all to finish writing my thesis. so i was going to post a picture of him instead (b/c a picture's worth a thousand of those, or something), but then i remembered i lost all my most recent pictures in the fire. so all i have are really old pictures of us when we went to the beach once. he must be a freshman in high school in these.
they're still nice though. because we're at the beach. and it's really cold here where i am now...
little bro, i hope they turn that heat down so you can get down off the ceiling and have a dance party for your birthday!
and since he's always raiding my cds for tunes, i thought i'd give him (and you!) a freebie today. happy birthday, bro:
"Little Brother" [mp3] by Grizzly Bear (who i saw in concert recently, and should talk about soon...)
love,
steph
love,
steph
-----
*his meal plan at Duke only gets him 12 meals a week, which is pretty ridiculous and unreasonable, in my opinion. esp. for someone like my brother, who basically works out every day and plays tons of sports and is always hungry. had i better faith in our US Postal Service, i would have sent you a care package, bro, with all sorts of foods and steaks in it. but since i don't, i didn't. and i'm sorry. i'll be sending you books and a movie soon though!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
the happiest kind of doom
I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG [mp3]. i listen to it on repeat and love it, even though/despite/in spite/to spite/because i know someone i love very much hates this song.
this is fevered, obsessive, destructive love.*
"the cruelty's so predictable."
-stephan!e
========
"The past is a grotesque animal
And in its eyes you see
How completely wrong you can be
How completely wrong you can be
The sun is out, it melts the snow that fell yesterday
Makes you wonder why it bothered
I fell in love with the first cute girl that I met
Who could appreciate Georges Bataille
Standing at Swedish festival discussing "Story of the Eye"
Discussing "Story of the Eye"
It's so embarrassing to need someone like I do you
How can I explain, I need you here and not here too
How can I explain, I need you here and not here too
I'm flunking out, I'm flunking out, I'm gone, I'm just gone
But at least I author my own disaster
At least I author my own disaster
Performance breakdown and I don't want to hear it
I'm just not available
Things could be different but they're not
Things could be different but they're not
The mousy girl screams, "Violence! Violence!"
The mousy girl screams, "Violence! Violence!"
She gets hysterical because they're both so mean
And it's my favorite scene
But the cruelty's so predictable
It makes you sad on the stage
Though our love project has so much potential
But it's like we weren't made for this world
(Though I wouldn't really want to meet someone who was)
Do I have to scream in your face?
I've been dodging lamps and vegetables
Throw it all in my face, I don't care
Let's just have some fun
Let's tear this shit apart
Let's tear the fucking house apart
Let's tear our fucking bodies apart
But let's just have some fun
Somehow you've red-rovered the gestapo circling my heart
And nothing can defeat you
No death, no ugly world
You've lived so brightly
You've altered everything
I find myself searching for old selves
While speeding forward through the plate glass of maturing cells
I've played the unraveler, the parhelion
But even apocalypse is fleeting
There's no death, no ugly world
Sometimes I wonder if you're mythologizing me like I do you
Mythologizing me like I do you
We want our film to be beautiful, not realistic
Perceive me in the radiance of terror dreams
And you can betray me
You can, you can betray me
But teach me something wonderful
Crown my head, crowd my head
With your lilting effects
Project your fears on to me, I need to view them
See, there's nothing to them
I promise you, there's nothing to them
I'm so touched by your goodness
You make me feel so criminal
How do you keep it together?
I'm all, all unraveled
But you know, no matter where we are
We're always touching by underground wires
I've explored you with the detachment of an analyst
But most nights we've raided the same kingdoms
And none of our secrets are physical
None of our secrets are physical
None of our secrets are physical now"
this is fevered, obsessive, destructive love.*
"the cruelty's so predictable."
-stephan!e
========
"The past is a grotesque animal
And in its eyes you see
How completely wrong you can be
How completely wrong you can be
The sun is out, it melts the snow that fell yesterday
Makes you wonder why it bothered
I fell in love with the first cute girl that I met
Who could appreciate Georges Bataille
Standing at Swedish festival discussing "Story of the Eye"
Discussing "Story of the Eye"
It's so embarrassing to need someone like I do you
How can I explain, I need you here and not here too
How can I explain, I need you here and not here too
I'm flunking out, I'm flunking out, I'm gone, I'm just gone
But at least I author my own disaster
At least I author my own disaster
Performance breakdown and I don't want to hear it
I'm just not available
Things could be different but they're not
Things could be different but they're not
The mousy girl screams, "Violence! Violence!"
The mousy girl screams, "Violence! Violence!"
She gets hysterical because they're both so mean
And it's my favorite scene
But the cruelty's so predictable
It makes you sad on the stage
Though our love project has so much potential
But it's like we weren't made for this world
(Though I wouldn't really want to meet someone who was)
Do I have to scream in your face?
I've been dodging lamps and vegetables
Throw it all in my face, I don't care
Let's just have some fun
Let's tear this shit apart
Let's tear the fucking house apart
Let's tear our fucking bodies apart
But let's just have some fun
Somehow you've red-rovered the gestapo circling my heart
And nothing can defeat you
No death, no ugly world
You've lived so brightly
You've altered everything
I find myself searching for old selves
While speeding forward through the plate glass of maturing cells
I've played the unraveler, the parhelion
But even apocalypse is fleeting
There's no death, no ugly world
Sometimes I wonder if you're mythologizing me like I do you
Mythologizing me like I do you
We want our film to be beautiful, not realistic
Perceive me in the radiance of terror dreams
And you can betray me
You can, you can betray me
But teach me something wonderful
Crown my head, crowd my head
With your lilting effects
Project your fears on to me, I need to view them
See, there's nothing to them
I promise you, there's nothing to them
I'm so touched by your goodness
You make me feel so criminal
How do you keep it together?
I'm all, all unraveled
But you know, no matter where we are
We're always touching by underground wires
I've explored you with the detachment of an analyst
But most nights we've raided the same kingdoms
And none of our secrets are physical
None of our secrets are physical
None of our secrets are physical now"
-from Of Montreal's "The Past is a Grotesque Animal", from the Hissing Fauna (2007) album
*i think all he hears is the destruction, the agitation. i sometimes wish that's all i heard, too.
*i think all he hears is the destruction, the agitation. i sometimes wish that's all i heard, too.
Monday, April 07, 2008
this year
I AM GOING TO MAKE IT THRU THIS YEAR
IF IT KILLS ME.
[mp3] "This Year" by The Mountain Goats.
ONE WEEK LEFT.
it's do or die!
(pls not die...)
-stephanie
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
to build a fire
i've spent the last 15 minutes looking for a book of matches. i coulda sworn i tucked one away in a purse somewhere, but now i'm thinking i might've taken it back out b/c i was boarding an airplane a while ago and worried they'd find it suspicious.
i used to keep a book of matches on me all the time. i was always worried about getting lost in the woods at night and thought i would need to build a fire at some point and might as well be careful and prepared. (which is funny, b/c now, i imagine the woods at night as being a much safer place to be than where i am now...)
i'm in a destructive mood. i want to find matches b/c i want to light a candle. i want to light a candle so i can hold it in my hands and feel the heat, to feel warm and safe. but i also want to light a match so i can watch it burn, because it's against the rules, b/c if i let it burn long enough it might just catch fire to the whole place, b/c it might set off the smoke alarm, b/c it might draw everyone out of their rooms and force them to stand, huddled together, outside. b/c if i stare at the flames long enough, maybe i'll burn my retinas and i could get a seeing eye dog.
i did my winter laundry today, washed a coat and stuck it in the dryer with a bunch of woolens, even though the tag on the coat said "KEEP AWAY FROM FLAMES" (yes, the type was actually in red!) and had a big X through the dryer symbol, all with the hope that maybe it would combust.
of course, none of this happened. i didn't find any matches, and all my scarves and mittens are clean and tucked away in drawers for the spring.
-stephanie
of course, none of this happened. i didn't find any matches, and all my scarves and mittens are clean and tucked away in drawers for the spring.
-stephanie
for some reason, the first part of sampled song with twinkly harp that goes "all i need now is to find myself a good woman" (can anyone tell me what song that is?) is stuck in my head and repeating itself in a loop. it'll replace the fire for now...
Monday, March 31, 2008
real emotional trash
ok so that's the name of a Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks album. but it's fitting, b/c not only have i been listening to them a lot lately, but that's kinda how i feel about my life right now.
i don't have any real reason to feel this way, but emotions are kinda like that. they just happen, that's why i prefer saying "i feel" rather than "i think" b/c emotions are just there and you have to deal with them, and reason is overrated anyway. who wants an explanation when all you really want is a hug?
i don't know if it's the weather in ohio (nothing but rain for days, it seems), or the lack of sleep, or the malnutrition, or my loneliness*, my restlessness, the overwhelming list of things i have to do before tomorrow and the next monday and before i graduate, or if it's the lack of warmth or safety i have b/c i realized i left all my sweaters at home, or the hole in my sleeve, or the mud in my shoes, or the way i feel no one understands how sad i can get sometimes, but...
in the last hour or so i've felt on the brink of tears. and i hardly ever cry. but i guess these little break-downs happen a lot. i guess i document them b/c they're always strange to me when they happen, and maybe deep down i hope by remembering them i can counteract them when they happen again.
lately, i've been busy and a lot of my friends have been busy. i can understand that when work piles up, we need to take breaks from each other some times. but really, when this happens, i don't get more work done, i just spend less of it being happy. i miss living with ppl who knew me well enough to know that when work kicks in, that's when i need them most. i miss having a friend nearby to reach out a hand and steady mine. i need people the most when i get busy like this, but i find ppl especially don't want me around these days.
i feel forgotten. i feel alone. i feel like disappearing.
that's usually what i try to do. i turn off my phone, i unplug the internet. i put up a wall of sound around me and let pounding music throb in my head until i can fall asleep again.
i'm real emotional trash. i'm feeling used and under-appreciated today. i've been running around since the early morning working for various ppl, sometimes getting paid, sometimes getting ignored. i've been really emotional b/c i feel i've put my own work off for so long, and i've spent most of my day making time to help other ppl with things, and only getting pushed around and asked to do more things. one of my friends observed that he seems to notice "ppl seem to want to take advantage of you a lot." this doesn't make me feel very good.
i think i'll take a trip. i don't know to where yet. i don't want to say i'll be back, even tho i probably will. i just don't want to be sad any more, and if i find happiness on the road, maybe i'll stay there for a while instead.
listen: "We Can't Help You" [mp3] by Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks
-stephanie
*loneliness, even when you're surrounded by people. that's the worst kind of loneliness.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
"put me in your suitcase, let me help you pack..."
i was stuffing my things into a suitcase today, readying to leave for my spring break in California, where i'll be taking my CSETs, then spending some long-awaited time with my relatives, then journeying home to retreat into the final days of a blistering senior project.
as i was packing up, i was thinking about how this is one of the last times i'm leaving to return to this place. and as my boyfriend helped me load my things into the car, and my friends gave me hugs before i rode away, this song was all i could think about.
it was like a rehearsal for the real thing, the BIG move, the day of goodbyes... and that's why i like this song, it's sad and hopeful at the same time, it knows that leaving could be a sad thing but chooses to be cheerfully upset about it instead.
enjoy your spring breaks. here's a song for packing and leaving (but please please oh please come back!):
"Put me in your suitcase, let me help you pack
Cuz you're never coming back, no you're never coming back
Cook me in your breakfast and put me on your plate
Cuz you know I taste great, yeah you know I taste great
At the hop it's greaseball heaven
With candypants and archie too
Put me in your dry dream or put me in your wet
If you haven't yet, no if you haven't yet
Light me with your candle and watch the flames grow high
No it doesn't hurt to try, it doesn't hurt to try
Well I won't stop all of my pretending that you'll come home
You'll be coming home, someday soon
Put me in your blue skies or put me in your gray
There's gotta be someway, there's gotta be someway
Put me in your tongue tie, make it hard to say
That you ain't gonna stay, that you ain't gonna stay
Wrap me in your marrow, stuff me in your bones
sing a mending moan, a song to bring you home"
as i was packing up, i was thinking about how this is one of the last times i'm leaving to return to this place. and as my boyfriend helped me load my things into the car, and my friends gave me hugs before i rode away, this song was all i could think about.
it was like a rehearsal for the real thing, the BIG move, the day of goodbyes... and that's why i like this song, it's sad and hopeful at the same time, it knows that leaving could be a sad thing but chooses to be cheerfully upset about it instead.
enjoy your spring breaks. here's a song for packing and leaving (but please please oh please come back!):
"Put me in your suitcase, let me help you pack
Cuz you're never coming back, no you're never coming back
Cook me in your breakfast and put me on your plate
Cuz you know I taste great, yeah you know I taste great
At the hop it's greaseball heaven
With candypants and archie too
Put me in your dry dream or put me in your wet
If you haven't yet, no if you haven't yet
Light me with your candle and watch the flames grow high
No it doesn't hurt to try, it doesn't hurt to try
Well I won't stop all of my pretending that you'll come home
You'll be coming home, someday soon
Put me in your blue skies or put me in your gray
There's gotta be someway, there's gotta be someway
Put me in your tongue tie, make it hard to say
That you ain't gonna stay, that you ain't gonna stay
Wrap me in your marrow, stuff me in your bones
sing a mending moan, a song to bring you home"
Sunday, January 06, 2008
show me something real
there are times in my life when i just need to hold on to something, or be held tightly, to be convinced something is real.
i woke up at 4 am this morning sobbing into my pillow. i haven't been sleeping well in the past week. and last night i had two horrible, really bizarre dreams. i was dreaming of the apocalypse and the presidential primaries, taking acid and kissing old friends in tree houses.
in the first dream everything was dark. i remember vividly watching from inside my house as hail the size of comets tore up the surrounding neighborhood, ripping through concrete sidewalks and leaving holes in everything - like swiss cheese. and everyone was herded into a mall with a glass ceiling so we could see the hail falling and try to duck, but we knew we were all spending our last days trapped inside and the glass was to make us feel some tiny bit of control. i was walking with my mom and dad to find cover when a hail bomb the size of a house fell thru the glass, and while my dad and i ducked out of the way, it crushed my mom and killed her. i woke up screaming "no no no! oh no!" and then in my half-awake state i wrote something down on a note pad by my bed, something about a fear of natural disasters, and how i needed to write a letter to Obama, Hilary and John Edwards to convince them to make environmental issues a more significant part of their platforms. we've got to save my mom... i went back to sleep an hour later wondering if i might have a heightened fear of hail.
the second dream i only barely remember, but i was hiding out in some dilapidated dark building which i sensed was lifted from the ground, and no one else had faces but me and my ex-boyfriend, who was wearing a funny hat. we were slowly shrinking, becoming kids again, but with our adult heads, and we were taking some strange drug together that seemed to be turning back time. we were kissing, which we knew was wrong b/c we both had ppl in our lives now, but because we felt we were going to continue shrinking until we were no longer there (reverse death - becoming younger and younger until finally u're just a sperm and an egg - would it be any better?) it seemed better to hold on to whatever and whoever was around you, than to spend your final moments alone and sad.
i woke up. it was dark. all i wanted was someone to talk to, someone to hold me and let me cry in their arms and tell me things were going to be ok. the sun is going to shine tomorrow, don't worry...
listen: The Waves At Night [mp3 - yousendit] by Phosphorescent
-stephanie
i woke up at 4 am this morning sobbing into my pillow. i haven't been sleeping well in the past week. and last night i had two horrible, really bizarre dreams. i was dreaming of the apocalypse and the presidential primaries, taking acid and kissing old friends in tree houses.
in the first dream everything was dark. i remember vividly watching from inside my house as hail the size of comets tore up the surrounding neighborhood, ripping through concrete sidewalks and leaving holes in everything - like swiss cheese. and everyone was herded into a mall with a glass ceiling so we could see the hail falling and try to duck, but we knew we were all spending our last days trapped inside and the glass was to make us feel some tiny bit of control. i was walking with my mom and dad to find cover when a hail bomb the size of a house fell thru the glass, and while my dad and i ducked out of the way, it crushed my mom and killed her. i woke up screaming "no no no! oh no!" and then in my half-awake state i wrote something down on a note pad by my bed, something about a fear of natural disasters, and how i needed to write a letter to Obama, Hilary and John Edwards to convince them to make environmental issues a more significant part of their platforms. we've got to save my mom... i went back to sleep an hour later wondering if i might have a heightened fear of hail.
the second dream i only barely remember, but i was hiding out in some dilapidated dark building which i sensed was lifted from the ground, and no one else had faces but me and my ex-boyfriend, who was wearing a funny hat. we were slowly shrinking, becoming kids again, but with our adult heads, and we were taking some strange drug together that seemed to be turning back time. we were kissing, which we knew was wrong b/c we both had ppl in our lives now, but because we felt we were going to continue shrinking until we were no longer there (reverse death - becoming younger and younger until finally u're just a sperm and an egg - would it be any better?) it seemed better to hold on to whatever and whoever was around you, than to spend your final moments alone and sad.
i woke up. it was dark. all i wanted was someone to talk to, someone to hold me and let me cry in their arms and tell me things were going to be ok. the sun is going to shine tomorrow, don't worry...
listen: The Waves At Night [mp3 - yousendit] by Phosphorescent
-stephanie
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
are birthdays happy?
so, tomorrow, the 26th day of December, as is custom for this time of year, i will have my 22nd birthday.
yes, woo-hoo and all that...
but i am remorseful this year, more than any other year before (yes, even compared to yester-year) because this birthday, more than any other, signifies the end of my youth. i've dragged it on long enough, and i find that this year officially closes the door on that splendid carefree stage of youth, and launches me on the track toward adulthood, endless responsibility and trudgery.
looking back, i had it all wrong:
18 = i was "an adult" by legal definition, but lo! - still just a kid, but an empowered one at that - i could rock the vote, buy cigarettes and porn. i was riding out the end of high school, soaking up college like a dehydrated sponge... life was good. no, life was awesome!
19 = not really a "kid," but still a teenager. and living away from home for most of the year, i was far enough from home to still enjoy it when i came back. that is, i could be a kid, while still pretending to have my shit together the rest of the time.
20 = the end of the teenage years, in terms of numerology. a regretful time. but i got in enough wild debauchery just under the wire to make up for the lack of it in all the rest of my two decades of life.
21 = i earn the right to legally imbibe alcohol. the party seems to just be beginning! suddenly i can get into concert venues! the fun places to hang out and party double, no triple, in possibility! downtown Lexington is no longer a void! pass me a pint and turn up the music, all i wanna do is dance all night!...
you see, all those a priori assumptions and fears about my waning youth were unfounded. i put too much weight on the significance of numbers! and sure, this year could be no different, but here's a glimpse at what's in store for me as a 22nd year old:
-graduating from college, leaving my closest friends and the community i've become dearly attached to for a significant portion of my life for a world unknown (i consider 4 years of my 22 years - the first 5-8 years of which don't really count, i was hardly a real human being then - to be quite a significant amount of time, and they've certainly been the most formative)
-getting my first "real-world" job (that is: doing work for a wage that, livable or not, will have to sustain me and all my daily consumer habits), or possibly going to grad school
-living on my own, away from friends and family, and all the sturm und drang that comes with that
-moving to a new city, possibly having to buy a car, and etc. there's too much to think about
you see, i really am still a kid! i don't think i'm ready to be thrust into the world like this, and now turning 22... it just makes me wish i could slow down time for just a bit, just until i can catch back up to it.
i mean, i found clippings from the local newspaper about the Lord of the Rings movies in my room, remembered how much i loved going to see those movies in the theatres... and then i realized the newspapers were dated back to December 2002! that was 5 years ago! i was 16 then! i was in high school! i tried to remember what it felt like to be that young, to have so little in the way of worries, feeling absorbed by the immediacy of everything, having only to worry about getting into college and thinking that would be enough for now (for then...)
how strange it is to be turning 22. and to have nothing left after this but 23, 24, 25, etc. until i reach more decades, and then finally death.
are birthdays happy? maybe they should be... but i'll be spending mine writing my thesis.
meanwhile, i hope you enjoy these gifts [all links yousendit]
"are birthdays happy? or are they just a countdown to death? is there need to worry? there might not be much time left, i haven't lived my life yet!"
"Are Birthdays Happy?" - Jens Lekman
"You are allowed 20 Birthdays" - Patton Oswalt
love and youth,
stephanie,
who was 21 when she wrote this
p.s. and all i want for my birthday? a decent enough ukulele, so i can play this song to my self, while wandering around in a nice pullover:
love and youth,
stephanie,
who was 21 when she wrote this
p.s. and all i want for my birthday? a decent enough ukulele, so i can play this song to my self, while wandering around in a nice pullover:
Friday, November 30, 2007
dropping the writ
photo from Cass McCombs's website. read on...it's been a lo-oh-ong week! there is much to do in a very short expanse of time, i'm going to have to rip the fabric of space & time and find a hole to sleep in...
which is much too unfortunate, b/c i just learnt that Cass McCombs is coming to Louisville to play a concert with José González this saturday. as in, i'm gonna have to build a time machine real quick if i'm gonna find time to get away from my work to bask in the ecstasy of such sparkling live performances.
here's how the weekend could potentially "break down" (as in gimme the break down, what's the shake down? things are gonna break. as in brake. as in drop everything, stop the presses, this news is fit to print, fit to sprint, stop and go go gooooo!!):
there are two (2!) enticing concerts this weekend, back-to-back: Cass and José on Saturday in Louisville, then Peter Bjorn and John on Sunday in Cincinnati.
let's do the math, shall we? that's 2 tantalizing guitar talents + 4 delicious Swedes (José shares a hometown with my favorite Swede), in just 48 hours.
+ i have 30 pages of an undergraduate thesis, a final paper (5 pages), a Teach for America final interview, a 6 essay question final exam, a multi-genre research paper, and a final inquiry project proposal and presentation to be done by Wednesday of next week...
here's how the weekend could potentially "break down" (as in gimme the break down, what's the shake down? things are gonna break. as in brake. as in drop everything, stop the presses, this news is fit to print, fit to sprint, stop and go go gooooo!!):
there are two (2!) enticing concerts this weekend, back-to-back: Cass and José on Saturday in Louisville, then Peter Bjorn and John on Sunday in Cincinnati.
let's do the math, shall we? that's 2 tantalizing guitar talents + 4 delicious Swedes (José shares a hometown with my favorite Swede), in just 48 hours.
+ i have 30 pages of an undergraduate thesis, a final paper (5 pages), a Teach for America final interview, a 6 essay question final exam, a multi-genre research paper, and a final inquiry project proposal and presentation to be done by Wednesday of next week...
but with such chances at happiness before me, i'm tempted to just drop all the work and elope with my records...
so, while i debate my decision, download these tunes, and commiserate with me.
dropping the writ,
stephanie
how can you not love Cass McCombs??! he must be one of the most un-deservingly under-the-radar musicians i know. and i'm totally digging - like hand me a shovel, i'll dig my way to China, where it's still yesterday - the album artwork:
listen: "That's That" (from his album Dropping the Writ)
and of course, José Gonzalez's cover of The Knife's "Heartbeats" is one of my faves.
listen: "Heartbeats" (from Veneer)
so, while i debate my decision, download these tunes, and commiserate with me.
dropping the writ,
stephanie
how can you not love Cass McCombs??! he must be one of the most un-deservingly under-the-radar musicians i know. and i'm totally digging - like hand me a shovel, i'll dig my way to China, where it's still yesterday - the album artwork:
listen: "That's That" (from his album Dropping the Writ)
and of course, José Gonzalez's cover of The Knife's "Heartbeats" is one of my faves.
listen: "Heartbeats" (from Veneer)
Sunday, November 11, 2007
tonight, tonight, we'll crucify the insincere, tonight.
before i went to bed tonight, i awoke to a memory of Jens saying this at his concert in Chicago:
last night i went to bed in a bad mood. the show in Cleveland had some technical difficulties, and i got a little upset, and i went to hide in the bathroom, and some hipster kid came and said some horrible things to me.
but today, i woke up with Billy Corgan's voice in my head and he was telling me 'tonight, tonight... we'll crucify the insincere, tonight.'
and we'll start the crucifixion with "The Opposite of Hallelujah."
i liked that quote a lot. i am struggling to get through some technical difficulties of my own that have me somewhat upset. the man in charge of my senior seminar told me last week that "i'm flirting with disaster," that i "should decide if [i'm] going through with this" and that if i don't turn in my lit review (a task i've found pointless, tortuous, and disempowering) by Monday (TOMORROW!) i am not going to graduate in May.
well, sir, let's begin the crucifixion...
-stephan!e
mp3's:
Tonight, Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins [yousendit]
The Opposite of Hallelujah by Jens Lekman [right click save as (from Secretly Canadian)]
last night i went to bed in a bad mood. the show in Cleveland had some technical difficulties, and i got a little upset, and i went to hide in the bathroom, and some hipster kid came and said some horrible things to me.
but today, i woke up with Billy Corgan's voice in my head and he was telling me 'tonight, tonight... we'll crucify the insincere, tonight.'
and we'll start the crucifixion with "The Opposite of Hallelujah."
i liked that quote a lot. i am struggling to get through some technical difficulties of my own that have me somewhat upset. the man in charge of my senior seminar told me last week that "i'm flirting with disaster," that i "should decide if [i'm] going through with this" and that if i don't turn in my lit review (a task i've found pointless, tortuous, and disempowering) by Monday (TOMORROW!) i am not going to graduate in May.
well, sir, let's begin the crucifixion...
-stephan!e
mp3's:
Tonight, Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins [yousendit]
The Opposite of Hallelujah by Jens Lekman [right click save as (from Secretly Canadian)]
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