eurythmics

(adj.) of or relating to harmonious proportion (esp. in art).
(n.) a 1980s British pop group fronted by Annie Lennox.

related or not: eurythmia. an irregularity of the heartbeat.

i am currently suffering from the latter.

description of symptoms: butterflies in the chest cavity. a sudden gasping for breath. my heart pounding against the wall of my ribcage like a small animal running against a wall.

there have been a lot of things lately that cause my heart to beat against time. mostly, thinking about next year and what i really want to do and what options are open to me. trying to determine my motivations for acting, and knowing that the next step i take influences a lot of other things (relationships with people, future careers, future living spaces, distance from family, fulfillment of life goals, general happiness of myself and society, etc.) in addition to full awareness of the consequences, knowing that i haven't provided myself enough time to really think things through, to contemplate the different paths, to explore what lies at the end of each choice.

i am a horrible decision-maker. in times like these, i wish some higher power would intervene and throw me in the right direction, whatever results in the greatest positive sum in the end. if higher powers existed, they would be able to decide based on destiny or fate, while i get all confused considering the infinite possibilites. i know i can't be objective, so i get confused considering other people's interests, other people's wants, and then i can't balance others' wants with my own any more. i think about "what could have happened." you know those "choose your own story" books? or the flow charts where you go one way depending on what you answer? i'm the kid that always answers it one way the first time, then goes back 5, 10, 20 times over to explore the other possibilities if one of those choices was a little different. only with life, the option of retracing one's steps is not so simple or possible.

i cannot decide where i want to live and what i want to do. and it is making my heart skip beats.