are you there Jesus? it's me, Ricky...

some emails i found in the copier this week:

Hi Ricky:
Would you mind help Jesus this issue?

Thx...Jesus
----
Hi Jesus:
Talked with Ricky,he already took action...
----
Thank you Jesus! Hang in there. It will get better soon.

looks like Jesus and Ricky worked things out.

funny or die

lately i have been having dreams that wake me up doing funny things. the other day i fell asleep on a plane and woke up whacking my hands against my leg, like i was clubbing an animal or something. the other night i woke up laughing at something i found hysterical.

last night i woke up from a dream in which i was getting ready to write a blog post ostensibly so hilarious, i found it necessary to pry open my laptop and, half-asleep, without my glasses, and in the dark, type myself this reminder for myself in the morning:

"by the end of his career, Rodney Dangerfield was as sophisticated as Lao Tzu himself"

in my dream, the blog post was going to look like this:

my reasoning, in the dream, was that the juxtaposition of the images would be so hilarious, it would be a hit on the interwebs. so, there you go.

also:

what i love most about this gif is how it says so much about the absurdity that is "Oprah," without me having to, so i can just sit back, be appalled, and giggle a little.

(seriously, she must enjoy turning ppl into weepy pathetic maniacs. the sheer delight in her face! she is basking in the glory of emotional wreckage. Oprah being a homicidal maniac is a droll turn on extant reality.)

true story

Groundhog Day could be viewed as a commentary on the nature of modern celebrity. A cute, hairy creature has become famous for doing something with minimal accuracy because he is surrounded by men in funny hats. Subtract two legs and a tail and that's the Justin Bieber narrative all over.

-from here.

dramatic reading of a real breakup letter

OMG THIS IS HILARIOUS.

my favorite is when the reader (the voice is so familiar, anyone know who it is?) starts cracking up at the sheer absurdity of the prose.

hatchlings

i do a pretty good job keeping a straight face, most of the time, even when encountered with the most bizarre and hilarious of irrational behaviors. what can i say, it's a skill you pick up quickly when teaching 6th graders. (in fact, i think it should be on a long list of criteria for people entering the teaching profession. following closely after charisma and passion.)

still, my kids find ways of surprising me. and in these certain moments, when my students surprise me with their kid-ness, i find it difficult to be cross and furrow my brow at them, and have to instead give in to chuckling a little bit, smiling largely, and trying to move past it as quickly as i can. it's fun for my kids to see Ms. Lee crack a smile or laugh along with them at something silly. i guess that they, and i, can forget that i'm human, so these little moments of honesty are welcome examples of our humility, which i think is why my students and i have felt so comfortable together and have managed to accomplish so much in our shared space.

three recent instances of what i'm talking about:

1) my student Bryan (hyperactive kid with a tendency to blurt out inappropriate things, get out of his seat, make rodent-like faces at my aide to freak her out, and make flatulent sounds any time anyone bends over to get something) comes to class (where we have a black and white uniform policy) wearing this shirt:

(found here, if you are interested in buying it)

2) my two smallest 7th graders Manuel and Luis are in my advisory class, but instead of quietly journaling, are exchanging sk8er pics they printed off a printer in some other class. this was delightfully endearing because of how small they are, and also how sweet of a gesture it seemed to be between the two friends (in their journals every week, they write to me about seeing each other over the weekend and spending saturday afternoons at the skate park). it was really cute watching these two little boys sharing a hobby with each other, even when they were supposed to be doing work in class.

3) my students are getting into Lady Gaga. coincidentally, so am i. every once in a while, one of my students will start singing the opening line to "Bad Romance," which amazingly has only proven to be amusing and strangely comforting (to know that we share some point of pop cultural coincidence) and has yet to be unnerving and annoying (YET!)

here i dreamt i was an architect

spending the majority of your day among people half your age and size is an unnatural way of being. this is why our modern educational system is plagued with problems. Freire and Dewey and others have all touched on it before, but now, after 2 years of public school teaching, i'm beginning to fully understand what they mean.

seriously, think about how often you naturally or willfully come into contact with more than 3 or 4 children at a time. it typically doesn't happen because, except for at school, human children don't travel in packs. (unless, of course, they are "wilding".)

thus, i propose we do away with the education system as we know it, and revive apprenticeship! every adult in America should volunteer to adopt 2-3 children/young adults to mentor and guide into adulthood. this would more evenly distribute the adult-child interactions among the population, reduce crime, increase self-esteem among the younger species, increase general feelings of good-doingness, boost humanity's morale, in addition to solving the problems with education. that's like, a whole flock of birds with one giant boulder!

... and i once dreamt of being the next big Secretary of Education...

-stephan!e

trout fishing in america

(click on img for a higher res version)

reality bites

Michael: Ok, so dig this. You’re on the street, and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl: Oh my goodness.
Michael: Yeah. Right. So what do you do to get ‘em to make it right?
Darryl: Well, see, um, in the gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers.
Michael: What is that?
Darryl: That’s when someone really gets in your face, you know you just, start ticklin’ ‘em.
Michael: Really?
Darryl: Yeah. And he starts tickling you. And pretty soon you laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you’ve forgotten the whole thing. Y’all just go to church together, and get an ice cream cone.
Michael: I would have never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.
Darryl: Oh, it’s effective.

---

i’m so glad Michael Scott doesn’t live in south central. i’m pretty sure he’d have been shanked by one of my 6th graders by now.

sherlock you're not

just got off the phone with my aide. apparently, my 6th grade students think i'm pregnant because i haven't returned to school for 3 days. first order of business when i get back: reteaching the science lesson on collecting data and making inferences.

(actual reason: came down with the flu and a pretty nasty sinus infection. the doctor i saw seemed pretty grossed out by the drainage she witnessed in the back of my throat and told me, when i said i almost went into work that day, that if she were my boss, she'd rather i stayed at home than have to look at me. also: her office was decked out with signed photos from celebs, including the likes of owen wilson and the cast of friends. one particularly strange quote from dennis quaid read, "you can examine me anytime, doc!")

squirrel nuts

the aforementioned squirrel encounter.


squirrel nuts from stephan!e lee on Vimeo.

animal encounters

i don't know what it is about today, but i'm having all sorts of wild encounters with nature. maybe it's the change of time; humans and animals are crossing paths in ways we shouldn't b/c of mass confusion. too many creatures scurrying about their business on overlapped schedules...

as i was leaving the school parking lot, two large crows were hopping the fence around the cars, snapping at each other and using their beaks to pluck at a tangled yard of police tape.

at grad school, in a lecture hall after library hours, i encounter a cantankerous squirrel who apparently decided grading papers was a far less interesting use of time than running around between rows of seats and fending off rabies with a 5 foot metal pole. (video forthcoming...)

after returning home, finally, i am stalked to my apartment door by a large feral cat/ possum who shines her electric eyes at me before jumping off the banister. whoa!

and then there's the post-adolescent male humanoid, lumbering out from his cavernous dwelling to forage for food. he scratches himself, squinting in the kitchen light, and, lacking the necessary implements (pot and spoon), resorts to its typical diet: microwaveable hotdogs and white bread. food he can hold in his hands. behold, the urban male.

fascinating discoveries in this jungle!
-stephan!e

fever dream: John McCain hunts people

it is time for me to share a fever dream: i was wandering around in some post-apocalyptic cowboy/western town, and trying to find a way home/ a ride/ a sidewalk, when suddenly my friend Mikey emerged from the woods. there were these 3 emo kids sitting on a bench taking pictures and somehow he materialized. he ran over and gave me a hug, told me not to be scared, and then disappeared.

in the rest of the dream, John McCain was a flesh-hungry vampire who could jump buildings and see in the dark and was terrorizing our little post-Depression town. not kidding. the one thing i kept asking over and over (in my dream) was "is John McCain out hunting ppl today??"

weird, i know. i don't know how my mind comes up with this stuff.

boogie down!

YES!


(for those wondering why this looks so familiar and why this is so unusually funny, it's b/c the base image is from this scene in Zoolander. go figure.)

-stef

campaign strategies from a maverick

i gotta hand it to him, John McCain has pretty good delivery. i think my favorite is "the Forrest Gump."



lolz,
stef

i love my mother

she says the greatest things!

example 1: today, on the way home from running errands, we see a boy on his scooter, and his dog on a leash running ahead.

my mom: "Oh!" [expecting something along the lines of aaaaaaww...] "what an ugly dog!"

me: [incredulous surprise and laughter]

[a few moments later, we pull up to our driveway. i see the neighbors' dogs sitting on the lawn watching us approach.]

me: our neighbors' dogs are pretty cute, though they're loud.

mom: THEY'RE NOT CUTE AT ALL! i saw them eating their poop once. one dog was in front, pooping. the other was behind, eating it. they weren't even eating their own poop. true story. i saw it with my eyes.

[she then goes on to regale me with reasons for not understanding the dog-owning population. i cannot stop laughing.]

----

example 2: a few weeks ago, Mom, Dad and i were watching P.S. I Love You (did i mention that i also love my mother for her deliciously abysmal taste in movies? i once had to sit thru Failure To Launch with her, because no one else in the house would submit themselves to that kind of self-torture.)

there's a scene in the movie where Lisa Kudrow's character is walking around a bar meeting single guys. the scene goes like this:

Lisa Kudrow: Are you single?
Guy 1: Yes.
Lisa: Are you gay?
Guy 1: Yes.
[she walks away]
...
Lisa: [a few frames later] Are you single?
Guy 2: Yes.
Lisa: Are you gay?
Guy 2: No.
Lisa: Are you working?
Guy 2: No.
[she walks away]

so my parents and i thought that was pretty funny. my dad started thinking out loud, "i wonder what question comes after that?

are you single?
are you gay?
are you working?

are you healthy? (dad)
are you an alcoholic? (me)

...

"are you insured?!" (my mother)

my dad and i started crying we were laughing so hard. apparently, medical insurance is extremely important if you want to date my mother.

noted!
-stephanie

p.s. the title for this post is so delightfully Buster, that it reminded me i should post the rules for the Arrested Development drinking game we made up for last week's awesome party. and pictures!

life is stupidity!

as i was cleaning my room today, i read through some of the random notes i wrote to myself in the past year and didn't get a chance to do anything with yet. many of them were intended for blog posts but for some reason or other (SR PROJ), i never got around to sharing them.

anyway, here comes one of those now. but since it's been so long, i can't remember the context, other than to say that i was on a shuttle from the Denver airport to my hotel, where a bunch of people and their dogs were incidentally taking up residence. i was there for the weekend for a Students as Colleagues conference presentation, but everyone else in Denver was there for the dogs. (regrettably, i had taken pictures of the experience, but have since lost them in my harddrive death. no, i'm not over it yet.)

written on the back of my ticket stub, a conversation i was overhearing between 3 or 4 business people:
"We could get a salad @ Chili's, put it on ice for our trip to L.A."
"You could get Quizno's @ Phoenix. Or Schlotsky's... Quizno's though... Mm-mm good!" (--> isn't that another fastfood chain's slogan?)
"We could get Sonic breakfast..." (they proceed to talk about ice. they discuss the iced drinks they've tried.)
"Papasito's Burritos, you should get the avocado salad dressing. Ranch blended with avocado. Good fat!"

(i think my thoughts at the time were: "wow, do they know how impossibly ridiculous they sound?" who knew there existed a special sub-breed of human that prides itself on being fastfood aficionados? i pray to god i never become a person who spends so much time at work and/or in airports that i forget the joy of actual food and conversation. i try my best to focus my attention on those mountains i've heard so much about...)

on the other side of the ticket stub, written in different ink, i observe an interaction between a pair of dogs and their owners in the lobby of the hotel. i think i'm in line to buy a muffin. it goes like this:
small voluptuous woman in a visor and spandex pants with a bit of a waddle walk. dog is large and slender, shaggy. dog encounters a small, boxy terrier(?) with an old man-looking beard. bearded dog's owner is a tall woman with a shiny long face. slender dog sniffs up beard dog. barking and attempted mounting ensues.
owners tug at dogs' collars. walk in opposite directions. banter:
curvy little woman: "She wants more of him!" (looks down at her dog, speaks to it as if to remind her:) "No puppies!" (they continue walking, dogs look longingly back at each other) "Oh, she wants more... She likes what she sees..."

at that moment i remembered Best in Show and the way the film satirizes the subculture, and particularly the absurdity of dogs shows' tendencies to simultaneously suppress and heighten sexual tension.



wow, so sometimes the movies really do get it right.

i'm sure i'll have more of the same tomorrow,
stephanie

p.s. the blog post title was under suggestion of my past self. i guess i had a blog post in mind when i took these notes. or, had a title ready, at least. [edit: now that i think about it, i recall that it might have actually been a quote from the first conversation... wow.]

only at Miami and only in Oxford, Ohio...

the students at Miami have been hit by a "crime wave" in the past year. we get electronic announcements regarding the latest in the spree of thefts, break-in's, (armed) robberies, drunken malfeasances. they are "designed to notify members of the University community about a reported crime that may represent an ongoing threat to public safety."

these are, of course, very serious. Miami takes its image and its terrorism very seriously. nevertheless, i couldn't help laughing out loud when i read the following Campus Crime Alert (they've stopped numbering them as they used to, but i think this makes #20+):

WHITE FEMALES!
WEARING BLACK LEGGINGS!!
(= MIAMI GIRLS!!!)

this has the potential for satire written all over it. too bad it's a couple days late, i'd say the administration finally grew a sense of humor and got us with a good Fools' Day prank.

hm... based on that description, they've pretty much implicated at least half of the female student population (happy to say i get excluded from the line-up on two counts: not being white and not wearing leggings since the '80s or since '80s night disappeared from the weekly Balcony lineup).

i suppose if this should be any suggestion of an "ongoing threat to public safety," we best lock and bolt our windows and doors immediately, b/c our sad campus is sadly overflowing with a preponderance of these dangerous criminals. lock 'em up! not b/c they steal laptops or break into ppl's dorm rooms, but just b/c they perpetrate great harm on the human species for their very existence.

it's gonna be a dangerous Spring!
-stephanie

THROW DOWN!!

The Anna Helen Tappan Center for Computer-Assisted Learning (my place of emploi) is challenging the other Western peer centers to FEATS OF STRENGTH!!!

we'll be throwin' down, West Side Story-style, come Spring 2008.

-stephanie "Tappan it" lee


THE CHALLENGE:


THE LAUGH-TRACK:

you can still be happy about shrill, annoying things!

my new year's resolution is: NO DRAMA.

there's no room in my life for it. in other words, simplicity, serenity, finding happiness in everything, b/c there's no time for sadness any more. i'm 22 now, goddammit!, and i will not stand for any more of my time being spent on lamentation or regret.

i can't wait for 2007 to be over. it's been a year of drama, for sure, and there have been too many trifles and worries that distract me from what's real (this is real. not this.)

i intend to fill my next year with as much positive thinking and fun as possible, even endeavoring to make the most unpleasant of experiences into an opportunity for learning and self-discovery. i am, of course, speaking of senior project, a Frankenstein beast of a project that has gotten away from me, multiplying grievances like a water-logged gremlin.

despite the dedication of my primary oppressor to making the thesis-writing process absolute hell, i am committing myself to writing a clever thesis, and by god, i am going to finish it and graduate, with my dignity and integrity intact, thank you very much.

and what's more, there will be dancing! and hell, even some flesh-hungry hamsters if it comes to it!

video found at the Positive Energy Vibe Zone.

i'm pumped full of good vibes, and i intend to keep them!

to 2008! - a much better time than now.
-stephanie