!!! !!! !!!

i've got some feelings to share. listen here ---> Play Recording

(ETA: i wish i were more eloquent and that i'd thought out more of what i wanted to say, but i initially recorded this as a note to myself for later, to turn into a longer piece of writing, but after listening to it, and hearing for myself the tones of voice and how they changed when talking about different things, it felt right to leave it as is, as rough as it is, because of the emotions present in my voice. i want to preserve the sound of happiness as it was captured there, in case i ever need a reminder.

also, our anniversary date would have been August 8, but i couldn't wait to get this out there!)

reboot

it is with great shame that i return to this neglected blog to post a half-weary update. in the final minutes before sleep each night, when i'm winding down and trying to clear my head of thoughts from the day, i often wander back to the blog and wonder if i'm unintentionally letting it die out of my life's compulsions, or if i've just been too busy to bother writing.

both possibilities make me sad. blogging started as my way of entering into the world of web2.0, instant publication, and let's be honest, the culture of oversharing that was so popular amongst my generation. part of me feels ok growing up and out of that compulsion to share the details of my daily average life with the entire internet (in fact, i'm thankful that blogging no longer serves that exhibitionist, cathartic need). but i also recognize that with blogging comes a certain kind of mental, intellectual and communicative productivity -- it's a practice that can, i believe, help in maintaining critical self-reflection, and self-accountability. it's also personal archaeology, laying things out so i can read things i've written from many years ago, a reward so satisfying i feel remiss for discontinuing (i still regret not keeping better blogging habits when i was a teacher in South Central).

anyway, all of this to say: i am going to try to be more consistent.

lately, i have been busy trying to figure my way through a bit of a quarter-life crisis. let's just say, corporate office life is not suited for me. i've had more frustrations than well-fought victories, but let's focus on the positive, shall we? the really exciting thing is that my current job has led me to two very important realizations:

1) i will never be satisfied to be a passive anonymous worker in a fluorescently lit cubicle, and 2) my need to be productive and creative, and my desire to feel like my work is actually meaningful in a tangible way are much greater than my need for a hefty paycheck.

those are good things to realize, and i feel it makes this job worth it, even though i spent the majority of the first 4 months unsure of why i felt so distraught and depressed every day. now that i know, i've been doing what i can to at least take care of #2.

which brings me to the other half of what i wanted to talk about, which is what makes me super duper excited to try blogging again. in order to feel happy and fulfilled and feel like my life is actually producing meaning, i've taken up a bunch of hobbies. i guess it's nice that i have a job that allows me the freedom after work to do whatever i damn well please. teaching wasn't ever that luxurious, because i always had to take so much work home with me (grad school classes didn't help, either). and this has made me feel like i may actually be growing into the kind of person i want to be. i've taken to reading a lot more -- fiction, as well as news (The Atlantic, New Yorker, Slate, Newsweek, The NY Times, and funnily enough, Wikipedia*) -- and this has helped me feel a little more informed and connected with what's going on around me. this, in turn, has gotten me pretty fired up about policy issues, and helped motivate me and propel me towards looking at policy-related jobs and a graduate program for public policy and administration. i've also started volunteering with a local environmental advocacy group called the Tri-City Ecology Center. the people are really awesome (guerilla gardeners!), and i feel like maybe i've found something to pour my heart into and keep me happy and sleeping well at night. finally!

i want to write about all these things, and i'll try to write more. for now, i'm going to list things i want to write about in the future, so i can always come back and remember them if i get stuck.

personal green initiatives - hair, biking, gardening
travel blog - invincible cities
i got engaged to my true love!
corporate life revelations - on styrofoam cups and empty environmental promises and why we'll never progress as a people if we think this is an ideal job and lifestyle
yoga pedagogy - learning from my yoga teacher the values and qualities of an excellent teacher - emphasizing humor, humility, no competition, community, self-awareness and being content with/in your own body and enjoying the process as a way to an outcome

anyway, glad to hop back on this horse! now it's dinner time - i'm going to feast on some delicious veggies and hummus i got from the farmer's market and watch some Daily Shows.

-stephan!e

*i've taken to having day-long Wikipedia sessions to catch up on gaps in my knowledge. for example: today i learned about the British political system. mostly because i wanted to understand some of what was being written about the London riots and i realized i knew nothing about British politics. like, they still have Tories! the other day, i was reading about colony collapse disorder. so it really changes day to day.

delightful spring things

it's spring! there are so many things i'm happy about lately, aside from the glorious weather. here are a few of them:

1. spring break! i feel like a one week vacation is most definitely deserved after the work i've done this semester. i've taught my students rigorous units, a new skill every day for the last, um, 90 days, and have put up with a lot of administrative and bureaucratic bullshit from my school/district. not to mention workers comp paperwork and stress. plus, i've worked really hard juggling 3 grad school classes, which have been the most demanding and work-intensive classes yet. so, a one week break? DON'T MIND IF I DO!

ben and i have been making a "LA bucket list," now that our time in the city of angels is quickly winding down (i only have 3 months of teaching to go! ugh, still sounds so long, but wow, i'm almost done!) and on that list is making the drive up the coast on highway 1. we're considering it for our spring break, even though driving for the 14+ hours it takes from here to san francisco doesn't sound like such a relaxing time. but, i ordered a bunch of colored pencils the other week, and maybe i'll pack them up and sketch things on our pit stops.

my mom is up in the bay area visiting our relatives and i'm excited to maybe see her, and to hang out with my grandparents and cousins.

a friend of mine from middle school who's making it big as folk-star cellist will be playing a concert this friday in santa monica, and ben and i will kick off our spring breaks by checking out his set live! then waking up on saturday morning to volunteer at the foodbank. and have lunch with my only Angeleno friend! and hit the road!

2. the weather! even though it's causing my nose to sniffle and my eyes to be constantly dry, itchy and sensitive to light, i can't get over how wonderful this weather is! i'm excited to go for bike rides and long walks again, and hopefully make it out to the beach. i also want to plant things and watch them grow and maybe eat them.

3. spring weddings!! i've never been to a wedding, but this spring i'll get to go to two! one of my dear friends from high school is getting married to her sweet heart and i get to fly back to kentucky to be her bridesmaid! and then in may i'll be attending my cousin's wedding too, this time in laguna beach, ca. i'm excited to rock out my dresses, see my family, and slow dance with ben.

4. crafting! my crafts supplies are slowly coming in, and i'm hungry for them! once school and work start slowing down i'll be freeing up some qual craft time, and i'm excited to start working with my hands. i want to make things to put around the house, to give to people, and to wear.

5. MARCH MADNESS!! my Wildcats are having a phenomenal season and i've got basketball fever! gotta love my boys in blue! all week long, the one thing aside from going on vacation that i've had to look forward to is thursday night, cuz after grad class ben and i are gonna find a seedy LA dive bar and watch some b-ball on the tellay!

oh, and speaking of March Madness, check out this article about holding sports teams and players accountable to higher academic standards. definitely not a shabby idea, but according to this bracket based on academic performance, my Cats would be out of the tourney by now. :-(

whoop whoop! spring is here!

teaching updates!

hi all,

sorry for the lack of posts and writing. i'm hoping i can find good reason to write here again, but i'm happy to say my absence is due to the fact that i've been spending my time and energy doing other things.

the most significant thing being that i've started teaching again. i am now nearing the end of week 2. year 2 has gotten off to a good start so far, but i am wary of getting too hopeful and optimistic. i find myself constantly tense in my classes, sensitive to every movement of my students, remembering how small habits could eventually expound into mammoth annoyances (pencil sharpening, bathroom breaks, whispering, and tardies being the biggest red flags in my class so far).

ben came in the day before school started to help me decorate and clean my classroom, and it's actually a clean place where i feel happy coming to work every day, and the kids seem to love it.

(embarrassing realization: the poster looks like it says "Welcome to Ms. Lee's Ass" – which, i assure you, it does not.)

i had the first week of classes planned out, and have been working hard to always plan one week ahead of time (so far it's been working well but i worry about the weight of all my classes and preps once the year really gets going). having a clear and consistent plan for my students from the beginning of the year has already saved me lots of frustration and anxiety, and i'm much happier about teaching my students and my content area as a result of having a quiet and orderly classroom. i've worked really hard this year at establishing classroom norms and fostering community values and collaboration among my students.

students working together to test strategies for building the tallest tower of cups.

as a result, i've had much better success with group projects and even more impressive, having my students self-regulate and resolve their own problems, whether its personal quarrels with classmates, or confusion regarding a class task. i've also established a comment box for the students to drop in notes to me, which so far has helped me understand the needs of my students better, and also given them an outlet to submit ideas.

in short, i'm happy to report that there's less time to spend here, because there's so much to do away from the computer! i'm finally seeing my ideals of democracy and community realized in my own classroom, and i finally feel like i'm doing something good for these students (rather than feeling like i'm damaging my students permanently by being an inexperienced first year teacher, which was the general sentiment i had last year).

more later, but now, some lesson planning.

-ms.lee

quack back, seat back!

ahoy and sorry for the month's absence.

it's been a long journey out of a difficult place and around europe and finally back home again.

home. aah. and the many things that come with home, such as memories, micro revolutions, smells, and self-realizations. in particular the realization that time is fleeting and i'm glad that all the traveling has made me less net-present.

lots of stories to tell. photographic evidence to share. and video!

can't wait.

quack,
stef

i wanna be sedated

hello and sorry for the lack of writing. something about June this year has me sedated. i've lost the passion for many things. eating and sleeping included. i haven't cooked anything for myself in weeks. i've been eating sandwiches and hors d'oevres for sustenance. carrots with whatever new dip looks interesting in the grocery aisles. for whatever reason (and i'm about to list possible reasons), i feel sad all the time. sometimes angry. this morning i feel angry (the morning commute is always good reason to feel angry, but this morning, it was because this huge bitch of a bus driver decided to cut me off and delay my arrival to school and then had the audacity to open her window and scream down at me. 71018. i vowed to report her. not like anyone will do anything.)

anyway, in the last month, a variety of things have happened. here, a list:

-my uncle passed away suddenly, and, for the first time, i found myself dealing with a combination of grief and guilt. any pause in activity would cause me to start thinking about it again and devolve into sobbing fits. taking a cue from Huxley, i found tv and the internet were the best opiates.

-wrapped up my year-long commitment to TFA. woo hoo.

-at 2 pm today, i will be pupil-free until august! i'm 99.9% finished with my first year of teaching!

-next monday will be my last day of summer grad school, because wednesday night i'll be in the air on the way to Istanbul.

-for the next month i'll be in France, Italy, and Turkey. (notice the banner change? that's what i feel the next month is going to be, lots of staring out of train windows.)

-leaving tonight for San Fran for my uncle's funeral. i'll see my mom and dad again, which will be good, i think. i need to see my dad and be sure he's doing ok.

-i need human contact. i miss having conversations that end with laughing. i need to be held and told things will be ok, i feel like i've been bearing this huge weight by myself and i'm going to break soon if someone doesn't help me.

-it occurs to me if this is what the working life is like, i don't want much more of it. i was having lunch with a colleague yesterday and i found myself drifting out of the conversation and thinking in a 3rd person way about myself, thinking about how weird it is that my brother must say "my sister is a teacher." when did i go from being just a sister, just a student, just a girl, to being a teacher, a "Ms.", a ma'am? i feel miles removed from where i've been.

---

the word sedated is totally appropriate for how i feel lately. doing yoga last night was, for the first time, mentally difficult, i couldn't find the energy or motivation to breathe properly. i've just been sitting around, feeling this weight sinking me. i keep thinking, i'm nearly done with this crazy year, i should be celebrating, i should be excited. maybe i'm depressed because i'm finding that's not true.

i want that feeling again, you know? getting really drunkenly happy and dancing around the living room, singing at the top of my lungs, feeling infinite and untouchable and uninhibited.

sorry. i'm sure a list of updates isn't what you come here for. i don't know why i come here any more either.

hard to shake

22 years of prior experience are telling me it should be summer already: it's late May, the weather has been consistently warm and sunny for the last few weeks, kids are playing outside, couples are walking hand in hand down the streets, baby animals are everywhere. and me, i'm itching to wear my summer dresses, put sandals on my feet, eat popsicles, and read all day.

unfortunately, while i'm watching all my friends around the world begin to unwind and slip into that lazy sun-induced ennui known as summer vacation, here in Southern California, the kiddos still have 4 more weeks of school, so here i am, as their math and science teacher, planning the last units of my first year of teaching, taking 5 more weeks of graduate classes, and studying for a certification exam.

but that seems so amazing. 4 weeks! that's all i have left! in a year that has been full of disappointments, extreme frustration, anxiety, hopelessness and downtrodden unshakable depression, the fact that i can say "4 weeks left" seems like a miracle. goodness, i'm so close to being done!!!!

and then it's Istanbul, boyfriend, beaches, Paris, gelato, and lots of all those summer things i want.

bring it on home,
stef

[mp3] "Bring it on Home to Me" by Sam Cooke

Easter Sunday

i woke up this morning feeling a little closer to death.

the past few days i've been trying to get over a freak bout of shingles. i saw two doctors and a dermatologist, none of whom could provide me strong answers or explanations for what was going on. shingles was the default answer that inspired little confidence.

they poked and prodded, brought in colleagues to look at my skin, ran labs on my bloodwork, and

they put me on three different medications. the first made me sleepy, like narcoleptic sleepy, so i stopped after the first day. the other was a topical cream that cost $45, so i didn't even bother filling that prescription. the last was free, came in little silver individually-wrapped packets, and the doctor gave me just enough, he thought, to get me thru it. so, i took them, every day, for 4 days.

i get home last night from 8 hours of travel, my stomach hurting, it's 11 pm PST and i haven't eaten or had anything to drink since 2 pm EST b/c of my stomach, and i'm noticing something isn't right with my body. i won't give you details, no "TMI", but suffice it to say:

i've been up since 7 am PST, calling doctors, clinics, looking up causes of my particular condition, checking drug side effects (of which i think i exhibit the SEVERE REACTION), looking up health insurance policies and trying to understand how much this might end up costing me, and

feeling extremely tired, alone, confused, and scared.

i want to be anywhere but here.

tragedy

n. definition: having exciting things to talk about, or exciting activities or adventures in mind, having a good hair day, etc. but the only people around to appreciate it are obnoxious eleven and twelve year-olds.


example of use: my life as a 6th grade teacher has become increasingly tragic.

sprinkle some salt on that

one lamentable thing about keeping a busy schedule is that when you finally find time for yourself, you don't know how to spend it. suddenly "taking care of yourself" seems like such a chore. i sit in bed trying to read, or in front of my computer, anxiously wondering if i'm "relaxing" enough to prepare for the week ahead. by the time i get the hang of it (relaxing, that is), it's sunday night and full speed ahead to the week again.

typical.

another deeply felt regret: the race to beat morning rush hour traffic often precludes dream journaling. which is a damned shame. so many vivid and bizarre subconscious juxtapositions. like this morning's dream: my boyfriend and i were trying to save German/Russian musical theatre by interrupting a board meeting at a post-modern art museum with a co-written performance piece (he was the German, i was the Russian, there were neon green costumes and feathers and gymnastics of an exotic variety. i was flexible and limber!)

later today: shopping for large electronics with company money, grading papers, finding easy foods to eat (apples, popsicles, carrot sticks, blocks of cheese...?), calisthenics in the great outdoors, musings on the passage of time.

-stephan!e

this digital life can be tough to keep up with...

this break from school has been blissful. i've been staying up late eating and drinking with my parents, reading and writing creatively for the internet, looking at beautiful pictures and sharing music with my bro, watching strange movies my mother picks out just to share a warm space in the house with her, playing tennis with my dad. and i bought a swimming cap with a pirate skull on it, hilarious. i am dreading my return to LA, a lonely existence, meals by myself, traffic, tons of school and work. i'm going to miss laughing and smiling so much and being immediately happy when i wake up.

another day and i'll be gone. back to empty echoes in this large house.

i wish i had more time to write and think, read and write, read and think. i've been collecting as many thoughts and memories as i can, hoping to piece them together like a quilt of my life. i imagine collecting these stories in a small book i'll make over the summer, and shop-dropping them all over the country (and Europe!?) when i'm travelling with Ben before returning for year 2 of this ill-advised stint in teaching.

i'll begin posting some of these short, Brautigan-style stories here, very soon.

-stephan!e


UPDATE (1/14/09): i've decided to name the future book/zine "ey!Q" – a phrase with no particular meaning, but i like the combination of letters, aesthetically, and i like that it was a typo (intended to say "hey!"). you could read it "eek!", or "I. Q." as well. anyway, writing from ey!Q labeled with the tag "eyQ." check it.\

to do / to come

so you know, this is what i'm working on. expect something soon, before the holy daze kick in...

-video for Introduction, i thot it made a perfect bookend to my first semester as a teacher, as a grad student, as a child away from home for the first time, and those feelings that can only be expressed thru lyrics and free form dance (oh heck yes it will be exciting.)

-playing with new iMovie (which is far inferior to old iMovie. major downgrade! boo hiss!)

-fighting to get my health insurance back (those fuckers are fucking with me again, trying to bill me twice for zero annual physicals, or deny me any physicals at all. wtf?)

-reflections on past year? i dunno, i kinda lack the energy for this. 08 was kinda a major disappointment. then again, i'm not counting my blessings...

---

i am so tired and i don't know why. i thot the time change was supposed to make me stay up later, not go to bed before everyone else in my house.

the extreme cold here is making my legs cramp from tensing up so much. i need warmer shoes maybe. funny, and the only thing i asked my parents for for christmas was a new swimsuit.

got my dad a new camera for christmas. i'm really hoping he likes it. it took me 1.5 years to find the right one at the right price and i just hope he doesn't think his daughter is too poor to afford it.

to bed! (but some Orwell first...)
-stef

peace-ing out!

this is my look of contented relief.

final grad school project: DONE.

last classes of the day: TAUGHT AND WRAPPED UP.

traffic: BRAVED.

work out, laundry, packing: to be done, but i'm looking forward to it.

this semester's finished, folks, and it looks like i made it!



(...and, finally, i'm going hoooooooooome!!!!....)



peaceout,
stef

ho hum

today is one of those days where nothing in particular is wrong, but it all seems wrong anyway. i feel prickly and abrasive, but there's nothing specific to gripe about.

i sit at my computer, and shuffle around my apartment, trying to find things to do, feeling i should have things, urgent things, to be doing. but they don't get done, and i'm not even effectively wasting my time.

dunno if i should shower, or cook something, or go to bed. i don't feel dirty, i don't feel hungry, and i'm not tired.

i'm just



bored.

if this feeling were a food, i could sustain myself on it for weeks

i don't know what i've done to deserve it, but these last few days have been unusually wonderful. so easily wonderful that i'm beginning to fear that something horrible is soon going to come and take its place.

friday at school was relatively stress-free and calm. my students took their tests and the scores were pretty good; they weren't dreadful. all but two of my students have B-'s in the class or above (the other two have an F and a D). and Ms. Lee's not such an easy grader either!

friday was so unprecedentedly easy to get thru, that i was dreading monday. i thought to myself, surely, surely all that's going to be forgotten on monday. they will come in from a weekend of going wild and run me down with their uncontrollable behavior. they will scream and yell. they will throw things. they will refuse to work. the good momentum will be lost, only friction will remain.

but, then came monday, and the class went smoothly. students were quiet and attentive, they got to work immediately, they were excited about seeing their test scores, they were excited to get homework (?!) and didn't want to leave class. i even got to talk about democracy! something must've happened over the weekend. were they drugged? brainwashed? confused? was i?

this was the confidence boost i needed. i was beginning to feel myself sink. this has bouyed my spirits tremendously. today, i planned an Edgar Allan Poe lesson for my homeroom and personal development classes, and went swimming after school (nothing has been more rewarding or therapeutic than an hour of lap-swimming every other day. i wonder if it's the lack of resistance that accompanies submersion in water, the feeling of weightlessness, the smoothness of movements and the regulation of breath?)

and, this weekend, i went thrifting and found 2 sweaters for the colder weather. i watched a movie. i cooked, i ate. i got paid. i cried, but mostly because i was happy.

and tonight, i heard from an old high school friend. she's getting married to her sweetheart and our mutual friend, and she asked me, just now, to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. i have never in my life been to a wedding, and the idea of being a bridesmaid in one of my oldest friend's wedding days... well, i am delighted, honored, thrilled, can't stop thinking about how happy i am.

i'm feeling good right now, even traffic can't phase me. and in a city like LA, that's saying a lot.

with immensity,
stef

---
p.s. my twitter did a pretty good job of documenting the events as they were unfolding...

friday:

post-friday:

bridesmaid!:

you ain't a beauty but hey you're alright

i think i change my mind too quickly about things. any little thing sets me off or rubs me the wrong way and i'm too quick to turn my back on it, i think.

i'm trying to learn to be more patient with people and circumstances, to realize that not everyone is crazy like me and thinks so much about what they say. even i have moments of semantic relapse, so i should be forgiving of others for theirs too.

i need to remember the ppl who need me, but try to remember my own needs as well.

[just a little note to self.]

---

in other news: i'm listening to music again. Morrisey's "everyday is like sunday" came on the radio earlier this week while i was driving to the grocery store, against the flow of traffic, and it was probably the most wonderful 4 minutes of driving i've ever experienced in this horrible town. driving with the windows down, singing in sync to lyrics you know ("come, come, nuclear bomb!"), what could be a simpler pleasure?

and i rediscovered my unadulterated love for Grizzly Bear. i'm listening to them as i write this, watching the Santa Ana winds lift the branches of the trees outside my window. it's getting dark out and finally, it's beginning to feel like the year is coming to a close. "colorado, colorado, col-oh-raaa-ah-ah-ah-doooh..." oh i could listen to this all day. bliss.



and surprise: as i was distracting myself from studying for my grad school midterms by reading The Fix's live-tweeting of Tuesday's debate, i rediscovered Bruce Springsteen. this video for "thunder road" (hot damn! i can't get enough of that opening harmonica. and possibly the greatest Boss line ever: "you ain't a beauty but hey you're alright." = epic.) made me hunt down 2 of The Boss's albums, and surprise!: Magic [2008] is pretty good!



that's all from me for now. it's friday. go out, enjoy yr freedom from work and celebrate a lack of commitments and obligations! i'm gonna crank my music and burn thru these 6th grade unit tests.

love and stuff,
stef

writing personas

i got a wonderful email from my friend Kathee today. i don't get a lot of friendly correspondence lately. i can't even remember the last time i got an actual letter in the mail (i think it was in 7th grade when i still had a pen pal... oh blissful youth!) all i get now are bills, paperwork and forms to be signed and mailed back with checks attached. even my email is being overrun by work-related things: grad school assignments, work-related meetings or conferences, reminders about bill payments and obligations. i like that technology enables me to be so easily and rapidly connected to ppl, but i hate the immediacy and omipresence it gives to my work, too. no one just sits down to write a friendly letter any more, to ask "how are you?" and share a story. i wonder if email will soon become the same?

i have self-identified three writing voices, and sometimes they overlap and/or take over each other:
1) my academic self – the tone and word choice i use when writing an academic paper. this has recently been subsumed under 2) my personal reflective/critical-reflective voice – the perspective i often assume when i'm actually writing, when i'm trying to be creative, when i'm thinking of language in a careful way, when i often have something to say and i'm being deliberate. that is, my "blog" persona. and then there's 3) casual/conversational – when i write the way i would probably speak if you were sitting with me face-to-face, if we were sipping cups of coffee (i'll be drinking tea) and we've been friends since childhood, or had just reunited after our returns from long adventures and were just sitting down together again to share our experiences. these voices, i've noticed, have come to blur and bleed together over time, which is a good sign, i think. lessening of the Cartesian dualism, onward toward symmetry. i'd like to think of my blog as an endless conversation (tho regrettably one-directional and monologic) between old friends about recent adventures.

which is what brings me to today's post. as i was writing a response to Kathee's wonderful email, i could see myself steadily switching my voice toward writing a blog post, too. it's not that the email i sent her wasn't meant as personal correspondence, but it generated an honesty that i thought deserved a wider audience.

and so, i give you updates on my life in L.A.:

I've been having a hard time adjusting to being a teacher, but I think about you from time to time and wonder how you'd handle similar situations and it makes me feel sane again. I'm a pretty shitty middle school teacher because I let the kids run amok and I get frustrated when I have to explain the most meta- things (over the summer, it was context clues. This fall, it's place values and times tables. I've been trying to shy away from the "it's this way because that's the way it is, so memorize it," but with math basics, it sometimes takes too much mental energy to explain everything. And the kids just get more confused when I try to tell them that multiplication is just like addition, but faster. So, onward...)

I know it's bad to have favorites too, but I definitely do. I hope it doesn't show in the classroom, but I can imagine it does. There are kids who are so cute and smart that even when they do something wrong, I just laugh and smile, and then another kid will continuously get something wrong and I'll get upset. It's hard not to, but I know it's HORRIBLE practice. I try to be fair, and I try to be consistent, but I'm not very good at remembering.

L.A. is sunny and warm. It got cold last night and I was worried that maybe it was finally going to start getting colder and I didn't have enough sweaters to wear to school yet, but sure enough, it was back up to 85 in the afternoon when I left work, and I felt silly for wearing my only sweater in that morning. It's weird to live in a place where the weather never really changes. It's actually extremely aggravating, because I can't feel time passing any more, and I want so desperately to feel the seasons change, so I can understand bodily that I will be going home soon.

I'm making friends. Mostly with people in my grad classes. Beyond work, that's the only way I meet people. My colleagues at school are pretty great, our science department is young, hip and friendly, the math department doesn't know I exist, and the special ed department is the crowd that really means business. But they're all great people, and I'm pretty happy with where I work. Whether intentionally or not, I've managed to successfully distance myself from most of the TFA crowd. I don't think we really get along. I kept hoping I'd find at least one really cool person who shares my views on education and activism, empowerment and the need for education reform, but I've yet to find those kinds of people. It's been really difficult for me to be so removed from that kind of community. I hadn't realized how much of a comfort it can be. It's funny, now that I think about it, because I guess at Miami I really came to depend on that intimate and distinct crowd of people who I knew I could have an intelligent conversation with, and we more or less had similar views and critical perspectives, or would at least be knowledgable enough to challenge each other. There were so few liberals and progressives on the Miami campus, that we could really build a sense of community and connection thru political interests and delight in being politically different. I don't know if it's because most people in CA are liberal-minded, or if because there's more diversity they take it for granted, but everything here seems so dull and uninspired. There's no fire, no energy, which surprised me for a while but then it made sense. I don't even think I'm going to vote this election because my vote won't swing anything. I can't find anyone to talk about politics with because they all feel indifferent. If I'm not talking to someone about work or state standards, the conversations turn to traffic, neighborhoods, or getting drinks (we can't even talk about the weather because it never changes!)

Anyway, I've made a few good friends in my grad classes, people who keep it real and let me vent to them about our work and our grad program. It's nice, but I desperately miss Western. I find myself missing it most at meal times, or when I have moments outside to walk around and I long for a bike ride and think of you and Will and Susan, and how we had some good bike rides last year and wonder if we'll ever be together to ride around Southern Ohio again. It makes me sad, I think I underappreciated that space when I was actually there. I imagine coming back sometimes, but I know it's different now, and the ways in which it's changed sound awful. It makes me sad to know there's no returning to that place.

... Sometimes I really wish I had gone straight to grad school instead of teaching, I imagine it will be hard to go back to being a critical student of spectacularization after even two years of the "real world." It's such a crushing place...

-stephanie

how do you stop this train?

( ( listen while you read ) )

The past week was filled with ups and downs. While I’m relieved that my hectic schedule is becoming more and more routine, that is also my biggest concern. Things are too routine. Things are hitting a groove, and I don’t want to run this track. Is there any way to stop this train? Derail? Jump off? Stop throwing in coals? I dunno, but I’m working on it.

Sometimes when I talk to my parents on the phone I get frustrated, too quickly upset, because they act like everything is ok. My mom asks me mundane questions, like “did you have a good day?” or “what are you going to eat for dinner?” and I get pissed off (and then regret it later) because those questions assume everything is easy, that the biggest thing I have to worry about is what I’m going to eat next. And though that’s not such an unreasonable concern, I feel like there are priorities that overshadow my nutrition. Like, the fact that I feel so desperately heartsick, the fact that I’m growing to hate my job more and more each day, that I feel so helplessly incompetent at my job, that I spend every weekday waiting for the weekend, and that I spend every weekend dreaming about a future far, far away, with a home, with laughter. A future where I don't have to wait for one hour of every day to be happy and watch the rest of it fall apart.

I’m a hopeless depressive. I think on some level I delight in misery, I can’t remember to just be happy. For instance, as I write this, I remind myself how silly and whiny I must sound to someone who’s lost a family member, friend or lover to war, disease, natural disaster, human folly. And I try to move on with my day, as if nothing is wrong. (Even as I write this, I think “is something wrong?” I can’t identify it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.)

Anyway, this whole thing was meant as an exercise to get me started writing so I could write a reflection for my grad class in Special Ed Fieldwork. The prompt asked me to “identify a challenge in the past week.” The question’s answered, but I can’t submit this. So, back to work…

-stephanie

rise above

oh sweet bliss...

i am listening to the dirty projectors sing "Rise Above" loud on my speakers, eating a big bowl of fruit i cut the other night just for a moment like this.

it's FRIDAY. i made it thru another week. thank the stars!

i did some yoga today. funny story: the class i went to is called "Sando Yoga" and i remember seeing that and thinking "huh, i've never heard of that kind of yoga before..." but today, in class, about halfway thru, i realize it's actually the guy's name. a large-ish Indian gentleman who wore linen pants and a golf shirt to teach us yoga, which consisted mostly of stretching forwards and backwards and calling everybody "his friend." good times. i might go again.

i took a swim afterward and then came home and made myself a delicious dinner (homemade salsa and guacamole with a burrito! i'm getting good at this!) and now i'm just about ready to crash. another funny thing about today's yoga class was that during the "meditation" or "resting" session at the end, i'm pretty sure i dozed off. when we were sitting in lotus pose, i started nodding off, and then when he instructed us to lie down on our backs, i took the liberty of falling asleep entirely.

i'm just so tired lately. all of today was spent tossing a beach ball around and teaching my students how to read number lines and factor numbers and subtract 6 digit decimals. now that's a mental workout!

i'm going to plan my weekend (make sure i have time to play/do nothing) and then, TO BED!

-stef

some thoughts from the classroom

hello hello! sorry for the lack of posts! between trying to figure out my first year of teaching and my first year of grad classes, as well as opening bank accounts, figuring out car insurance, stressing out about affording gas, groceries, teacher clothes, almost burning the house down, and trying to find time to eat, i've been busy!

anyway, here is a quickie update on my first few days of teaching. it's rushed and scattered, but it's HERE and that is what matters.

love and kissies,
stef

Tuesday, Sept 9th. DAY 5.
long day. this doesn't get any easier, but thankfully Tuesdays are early dismissal. i just don't know what to do with my classes: the kids in my special ed class are so behind, and so out of control, that i worry i'm never going to get around to actually teaching them anything this year. even the simple activities, like writing their names and thinking of words to describe themselves, are frustrating for my kids, who read at an abysmally low level. many don't know the difference between + and - (that is, that a + means to add), so i will need to spend a lot of time just developing math literacy.

what's really interesting about this whole experience is that i still have yet to learn who is on my case load, who the special ed students are (because i have a general ed class that seems to be mixed) and what their disabilities are. yesterday, i learned that my student Jordyn is autistic, but i only learned because i spoke with one of my colleagues who had him for english. my student Chantal is deaf/hard of hearing (DHH) but i had no idea, because she wears her hair so as to cover her ears! this entire time i was getting frustrated with her b/c she never understood what was going on and i had to constantly repeat myself to her, so i thot she just never paid attention. so i felt terrible when i finally learned that the real reason was that she couldn't even hear me!

it's amazing that as a special ed teacher, i am not informed of my students' disabilities before i teach them. it would seem to me that in order to ensure that they are receiving the necessary accomodations and the best instruction possible that i would need to have at least a basic understanding of what the student's situation is. it's been frustrating to find that reality is much different.

the general ed class is going really well though. i got the parent surveys back the other day and i plan on calling homes tonight. the students in there are all really great. we did an activity in science today where they had to bring in an object from home and keep it secret then get up in class and describe it for others to guess. it was supposed to help them with their observation and description skills. my favorite one was my student Frank (the one who asked me if he could have my old uniform clothes). he brought in a battery and his clues were so clever!

even though i'm almost a week into school, i keep getting new students. today, i got three students referred to my homeroom, who weren't even on my roster, because some bum teacher said "he only teaches magnet kids" and sent them out. i was livid! it was the same guy who's been hoarding teaching materials and refusing to help anyone else out. the students came in and i didn't have a desk for any of them, i already had students sitting elbow to elbow in the back and at my desk. serious overcrowding issues!

more later. MUST EAT.