"Fire is motion / Work is repetition / This is my document / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all defenses."

- Cap'N Jazz, "Oh Messy Life," Analphabetapolothology

Sunday, August 31, 2008


i'm going to try this blogging business again. i feel awfully sad that this little sight [sic] has fallen by the wayside while i've been traipsing around the west coast with my family, trying to forget about my job and responsibilities, but i promise i had good reason for it.

anyway, in celebration of my renewed fervor to keep this updated, i'm throwing confetti! (can you see it? it's raining party paper everywhere you look these days!) this is a permanent addition to the sight, unless a seasoned (or saucy?) reader complains of eye strain. BECAUSE EVERY DAY SHOULD BE A CELEBRATION.

hard to always keep that optimism, but today i'm feeling festive and happy, so let it be!

updates, they are forthcoming!

(the confetti gif from here)

Friday, August 15, 2008

restart, repower

hello hello -

so i must admit, the blog has gotten boring. i don't know what it is, but i don't like it. blame business, ha, blame busy-ness (funny how busy-ness and business are the same!), blame corporate teacher training hell for sucking the life out of living, blame my separation from friends and how i've forgotten to have fun, blame it on the water and the air and the heat and the weather and yes, let's blame global-warming.

the sad truth remains: i've run out of things to say, and a certain personal flavor that used to be oh-so-savory (a friend of mine told me the meaning of savory is salty and sweet at the same time. now that i'm looking at a dictionary, i can't confirm that her interpretation is true, but i like the idea of my writing being savory, so i'm going to keep it.)

also: the internet's been down. and no matter how powerful my little laptop is, it can't continue stealing wireless from neighbors with such success.

and: family business is a muck. lesson-planning looms. summer is running out.

thus, a hiatus is in order.

hopefully when i return, there will be more interesting things to say.


Thursday, August 14, 2008


(from july 24th – 10 days from the end of Institute)

misses the sound of rain on rooftops at night.

misses seeing the stars in the sky.

misses the feel of soft bluegrass underfoot.

misses enjoying her work.

misses human heat.


glad that's done!

Friday, August 08, 2008

the civil war

dream - friday morning, 8/8/08

i was outside, i think a group of us were talking about something, implementing a plan of action as a group, we were talking around a tree, i think we were in an arid place. we were talking when all of a sudden we hear a whirring sound, and someone holds up a hand and goes 'was that a bullet?' she shoes us her hand and it's got a small puncture wound on it. moments later, it happens again. we realize we're under gunfire. there's some war happening around us.

we go inside this really old wood cabin behind us. there are slits of sunlight shining thru the pieces of wood and thru the bullet holes. we lie on the floor so as not to get hit. we realize that they're coming soon, and that we should be ready. but rather than fight back, we develop a plan for when they get here. we are going to go out bravely, singing "Swing Lo, Sweet Chariot" (for some reason we thought we were in the civil war - maybe it was the log cabin?) we practice singing it and then we lie on our backs. these are ppl i've never met before but we're singing and preparing to die in such solidarity.

i'm lying there on the dirt floor (and i remember this part being weird, because i think i was watching myself/ experiencing everything from a third person perspective, like, i could SEE myself) and i can hear the whirr of bullets outside and my heart is racing and i am swelling up with anger and pride that this is the way i am going to die. and then i realize, my family is outside. they are in the house, the house i live in in lexington, and the bad guys are going to go into my house, and they are going to shoot my parents and my brother, and all of a sudden i am scared, and i want to run to be with them, and suddenly my death seems meaningless, seems cowardly, seems unfair. i want to be with them in my final moments, want to scream civil rights songs in the face of our oppressors, and want to be scared and defiant and brave one last time with my family around me, rather than these strangers.

i imagine the last time i hugged my dad, which, in my waking life was last night, and i remember it feeling strange since it'd been so long, but very comforting and relieving to know he was finally near enough that i could say "bye Dad" and wrap an arm around his neck, and in my dream that sense was a very urgent need. in my dream i suddenly feel the urgency of death and a paralysis, as i'm stuck to the floor of this cabin, singing slave songs, waiting for death to come. i remember thinking how symbolic every last moment becomes when you realize your actions are limited to a few brief moments, and i wondered if this was really how i wanted my last actions as a living human to be.

soon i would lose control of my nervous system, my ability to move limbs, to navigate the equilibrium, to practice volition and act with deliberation and intent. i felt guilty that i wasn't with my mother, ailing as she was, and that i didn't give my father a longer hug when i was near enough to do it.


i wake myself up from the dream with a slight scream, my heart racing from tossing around in my sleep.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

gold mine gutted

my friend Chels sent me a picture of the dame's demolition. she's sweet and keeps me updated on the state of things back home. she was right to warn me not to cry (but it still didn't stop me from being sad).

the dame in its glory days:
and the vibrant life that once enjoyed that space:
that's me and Chels enjoying our last night at the dame together

me and Ben
enjoying the breeze on a hot summer night.

and this is video of one of my favorite bands, animal collective, playing a show at the dame 2 summers past:

and the dame now:
UPDATE (9/15/08): and the dame now:

(but soon to be revived!)

so it goes, i guess.

Monday, August 04, 2008

way w k

(say it out loud: "way w k" = w'A W K = WAY AWKWARD!)

my initiation into LA denizenry:
moved into new apartment without a refrigerator (apparently all LA housing comes sans fridge. what do you crazy CA ppl do? why are you all so possessive of your huge ass kitchen appliances? if we could all just agree to leave those things behind, we could all have fridges in our new housing.)

sitting in apartment, roommate left to go to work an hour away, taking the car and the only working set of keys with him. thus, i cannot leave the apt to walk down the street to buy food from the store. working all night and all morning on my grad class's papers, i'm getting light-headed from lack of nourishment. between yesterday at 3 pm and today at 2 pm, i've only had one apple and a small box of raisins.

i look online for food that comes to me. i try Green Truck first (environmentally friendly organic gourmet food service based in Culver City! how delightful!) – BUT, they don't deliver on Mondays! bummer mother. so i try the next thing i can think of: Pizza Hut (haha, total 180).

so i'm on the phone with Pizza Hut. i give the guy my name and phone number and address. he makes some unintelligible joke about my name –
guy: "Stephanie Lee? Are you related to *mumble mumble* Lee?"
me: "what?"
guy: "mumble mumble"
me: no response
guy: "nevermind."

so i'm trying to get the cheapest pizza i can. i ask the guy on the phone if there are any specials, any $5 pizza deals or anything that will save my hard-earned (and quickly depleting) money. he asks if i have any coupons and i explain that no, i don't eat a lot of pizza and i just moved here, so no coupons or anything of the like. he asks me where i'm from, i say KY. he asks if i'm here for school and i say no, "i'm here to teach." he says he's surprised b/c i sound so young and at that point i'm wondering how the focus has turned away from the pizza and onto me.

i redirect: "so, how about that pizza?" and he says he'll give me the discount anyway and i wrap up my order. i don't feel good about giving him my credit card number and was really defensive when he asked for the expiration date. i'm thinking i don't want him to steal my identity after i reject him for a date. he tells me the order total and i say "great, thanks."

he asks me if i like going to concerts and i say yes as a knee-jerk (i'd just finished ordering tickets to a show at the Troubadour, so i have concerts on my mind). he says his friends are dj's and it'd be cool if i wanted to go to one of their parties some time. i tell him that'd be cool, my friend Tara is a dj too and she'd probably like to meet other ppl in the business. he gives me his phone number (which i write down without thinking but now keep so i know which call not to answer) and then tells me he'll call me some time. i tell him not to call after 10pm (thinking that a pretty unreasonable time), "because i teach in the mornings" (even though i don't start for almost another month). he says he'll only call on fridays. great...

i hang up the phone. i'm not even hungry any more. now i'm worried about this guy having my phone # and my address, knowing way too much about me without me really volunteering the information. i feel like my privacy has been violated. i feel sad, confused, overwhelmed. memories of a horrible experience in an airport hotel resurface. i feel guilty. i think about my boyfriend and how i miss him right now. i try to devise plans to diffuse the situation and avoid any further awkward exchanges. i swear off pizza delivery from now on (next time, i'll just wait until Tuesday and order the healthy stuff!)

Ben is coming to visit in just 11 more days! my family comes in only 3! i think i can be resourceful and clever enough to hold off any creepy advances from Pizza Boy until my family is in town (my mom just broke her foot. = fiberglass cast to groin anyone?). and then, if he is still persistent enough to call, i will take him up on the party offer, and bring Ben along. that should take care of things.

20 minutes later, the pizza came. i hid behind a wall while my roommate Michael picked it up. the delivery person was a cute little old lady. i asked her if the tip money went to her or the company. she said the company. i gave her a tip in cash, put it in her hands, and then told her to have a great day. she scampered away (thank god she didn't try to hit on me – i wasn't her type).

and the pizza? too salty.


Friday, August 01, 2008

happy august!

let the BEST MONTH EVER begin!

let summer actually begin! let FuNTIMESFOREVR finally begin! let stress and work cease for a few weeks, while i move into my new swanky Culver City apartment, let beach parties and bon fires and porch barbeques and sitting on rooftops lesson-planning commence!

let going to the movies and going out to bars and riding bikes to the beach be my priorities for a week!

i'm finally done with TFA and it's time for a party!