Showing posts with label FUCK. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FUCK. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
serenity now!
i attended a teacher training once where the session facilitator encouraged us to teach our students anger management. she suggested we have our students imagine "black balls of hate" inside us, between our stomachs and our hearts, and squeezing that ball and expelling it with deep breaths.
the problem with this strategy is that it reminds me too much of the episode from Seinfeld where the characters are encouraged to say the phrase "serenity now" to deal with their anger and frustration, but all they end up doing is suppressing it until it explodes violently in eruptive, pressurized catharsis.
when i think about all the teachers who get fired for accidentally hitting kids, or for disorderly public conduct, or for writing extremely critical blogs, i think about all the ways in which these teachers probably weren't receiving the support they needed, and about all the bullshit they were probably told that didn't help them.
the problem with this strategy is that it reminds me too much of the episode from Seinfeld where the characters are encouraged to say the phrase "serenity now" to deal with their anger and frustration, but all they end up doing is suppressing it until it explodes violently in eruptive, pressurized catharsis.
when i think about all the teachers who get fired for accidentally hitting kids, or for disorderly public conduct, or for writing extremely critical blogs, i think about all the ways in which these teachers probably weren't receiving the support they needed, and about all the bullshit they were probably told that didn't help them.
Friday, March 13, 2009
silver lining
the one positive thing about being so extraordinarily far away from some ppl is that when i really really want to be alone, all i have to do is shut the door, and close the computer.
shutting out, shutting down, and disconnecting.
amazing how you thought you knew some ppl, and then they surprise you so completely, and think nothing of it.
i think i will, against my better efforts, always be a misanthrope by trade and hobby.
-stephan!e
shutting out, shutting down, and disconnecting.
amazing how you thought you knew some ppl, and then they surprise you so completely, and think nothing of it.
i think i will, against my better efforts, always be a misanthrope by trade and hobby.
-stephan!e
Monday, December 15, 2008
i hate L.A.
hm, so you know how just yesterday i said i might grow to love L.A.? yea, it's not happening.
that's b/c L.A. is a vindictive little bitch who just wants my money and my time and attention, but i can't get no respect!
this morning, i wake up. the raindrops that were so pleasant to fall asleep to had apparently continued throughout the night, flooding the carport where my car rests and where i had to wade through 5 inch-deep FREEZING water this morning. and, b/c my bitch landlord didn't install lights in my part of the garage, i couldn't see the standing water until i was, well, already standing in it. so, great morning. i have to run back up to my apartment, throw off my shoes and socks, and improvise: for lack of galoshes (oh how i miss my big funky rubber galoshes right now...) i had to put on a pair of flip flops, which felt miserably uncomfortable on my bitterly cold feet.
the entire 55-60 minutes in the car on the freeway to work (what usually takes 20-25 minutes) everyone was driving 35 mph to avoid fatal crashes – the radio informed us accidents were happening at the rate of one every 30 seconds (wtf!?), a police officer (i learn later) was RUN DOWN while trying to assist traffic – and i still had assholes trying to sideswipe me to squeeze into my lane.
i get to school half an hour late (and this is after i even wake up early to make myself a cup of tea to start the day right), frantically driving in circles trying to find parking (i eventually coax the principal into my car and he assists me in finding a spot to park my poor water-logged vehicle). my feet are cramping at this point, they are so cold and wet, and i'm shivering and completely stiff from the cold and from running in the rain. basically, i arrive at school looking like a mess, feeling like a kid, and not wanting to be here (at school, at work, in LA).
it was a long day. the only thing that prevented me from completely losing my mind and crying was that i didn't actually teach today, i was in training. and they provided food. one saving grace.
i come home after going to the gym for a quick workout, hoping that all the time i've been away has allowed the water around my car to drain away. NOPE! the pond still exists, there might even be homeless seagulls nesting, who the fuck knows. all i can say is that this meant me having to park my car 2 blocks away, on some dark alley where i couldn't even see the signs or the curb to see if i was in a tow-away zone. i just hope, pray, that someone doesn't run into my car, knock the side mirror off, or decide it'd be fun to tow it. so many things to keep me up at night, it was hardly worth the 2 minutes of pleasant rain while i was drifting off last night...
seriously. it reminds me of something i remember my boyfriend saying last winter when we were driving around one late oxford night on the edge of a snow storm. it was the time of night when everyone is supposed to be asleep, when the snow machines and salt trucks come out (i think if you grow up in the midwest like i did, you know there are 5 stages of night-time: twilight, dusk, 8-11pm, midnight, and salt truck time. this is the time other ppl in other parts of the world might also know as tooth fairy time, or santa claus time.) there was snow falling in large clumpy flakes, and we could see it in his headlights, in the street lamplight, like static filling up the screen of gray and black night. and Ben said that ppl in ohio overreact to snow, b/c in Illinois, where he grew up, this would be nothing, "Illinois ppl know how to drive in snow." and that made sense, and that's what i think of now when i think about LA and its rain:
LA denizens are so unaccustomed to rain that they don't know how to drive in it, or how to build an efficient drainage system for when the rain pours. don't they know, that when it rains, it pours? i bet you anything a stupid Angelino coined that phrase...
-stephan!e
p.s. an afterthot: this is why you don't set up house in a desert. if there's no water so you have to steal it from yr neighbors to survive, and when the water finally comes you don't know what to do with it. ladies and gentlemen, Los Angeles! (a big fecking mess!)
that's b/c L.A. is a vindictive little bitch who just wants my money and my time and attention, but i can't get no respect!
this morning, i wake up. the raindrops that were so pleasant to fall asleep to had apparently continued throughout the night, flooding the carport where my car rests and where i had to wade through 5 inch-deep FREEZING water this morning. and, b/c my bitch landlord didn't install lights in my part of the garage, i couldn't see the standing water until i was, well, already standing in it. so, great morning. i have to run back up to my apartment, throw off my shoes and socks, and improvise: for lack of galoshes (oh how i miss my big funky rubber galoshes right now...) i had to put on a pair of flip flops, which felt miserably uncomfortable on my bitterly cold feet.
the entire 55-60 minutes in the car on the freeway to work (what usually takes 20-25 minutes) everyone was driving 35 mph to avoid fatal crashes – the radio informed us accidents were happening at the rate of one every 30 seconds (wtf!?), a police officer (i learn later) was RUN DOWN while trying to assist traffic – and i still had assholes trying to sideswipe me to squeeze into my lane.
i get to school half an hour late (and this is after i even wake up early to make myself a cup of tea to start the day right), frantically driving in circles trying to find parking (i eventually coax the principal into my car and he assists me in finding a spot to park my poor water-logged vehicle). my feet are cramping at this point, they are so cold and wet, and i'm shivering and completely stiff from the cold and from running in the rain. basically, i arrive at school looking like a mess, feeling like a kid, and not wanting to be here (at school, at work, in LA).
it was a long day. the only thing that prevented me from completely losing my mind and crying was that i didn't actually teach today, i was in training. and they provided food. one saving grace.
i come home after going to the gym for a quick workout, hoping that all the time i've been away has allowed the water around my car to drain away. NOPE! the pond still exists, there might even be homeless seagulls nesting, who the fuck knows. all i can say is that this meant me having to park my car 2 blocks away, on some dark alley where i couldn't even see the signs or the curb to see if i was in a tow-away zone. i just hope, pray, that someone doesn't run into my car, knock the side mirror off, or decide it'd be fun to tow it. so many things to keep me up at night, it was hardly worth the 2 minutes of pleasant rain while i was drifting off last night...
seriously. it reminds me of something i remember my boyfriend saying last winter when we were driving around one late oxford night on the edge of a snow storm. it was the time of night when everyone is supposed to be asleep, when the snow machines and salt trucks come out (i think if you grow up in the midwest like i did, you know there are 5 stages of night-time: twilight, dusk, 8-11pm, midnight, and salt truck time. this is the time other ppl in other parts of the world might also know as tooth fairy time, or santa claus time.) there was snow falling in large clumpy flakes, and we could see it in his headlights, in the street lamplight, like static filling up the screen of gray and black night. and Ben said that ppl in ohio overreact to snow, b/c in Illinois, where he grew up, this would be nothing, "Illinois ppl know how to drive in snow." and that made sense, and that's what i think of now when i think about LA and its rain:
LA denizens are so unaccustomed to rain that they don't know how to drive in it, or how to build an efficient drainage system for when the rain pours. don't they know, that when it rains, it pours? i bet you anything a stupid Angelino coined that phrase...
-stephan!e
p.s. an afterthot: this is why you don't set up house in a desert. if there's no water so you have to steal it from yr neighbors to survive, and when the water finally comes you don't know what to do with it. ladies and gentlemen, Los Angeles! (a big fecking mess!)
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
new lows
i am sitting on a towel on the floor of my bathroom, a pile of folders and papers and books beside me, trying to keep warm with a laptop in my lap and sitting as close as i can to the only heater in the entire apartment, a Thermodor built into the wall (i suspect my current use for it fails to meet its intended purpose – my guess being to eliminate bathroom odors? i dunno, that's based solely on the name and what i've heard about ppl lighting matches after taking shits: i was told the flame "burns the bad air" so you can't smell it any more, but i always thought that didn't make sense and was bad household science. anyway...)
i'm 2.5 weeks away from a blissful retreat to my home state, and only a few grad school projects away from the end of this forsaken semester, but this lump of (forgive me) shit before me is too huge to surmount, it seems. i am teetering on incompletes for 2 of the 3 grad classes and it is so fucking cold in my apartment right now, i can't get anything done. it's either crawl into bed, or sit on the floor of the bathroom next to the heater. and so it goes...
i'm fighting nausea and panic and utter depression and lack of excitement, and all from the floor 2 feet away from a fucking toilet. thank cheeses i'm the only one who uses it and i just cleaned it the other day, or this would be a really long miserable night indeed.
to the future!
-stephan!e
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
rant!
i just have to blow some steam before it explodes me. pardon the venting.
whoever designed the university intern program for credentialing new teachers needs a fucking shoe up their ass. it is the most fucking miserable experience for the teacher candidates, and should not be considered anything less than a disservice to their students and the educational system immediately surrounding them, as they are completely deprived of any resources or support and drained and stretched to the point of being completely ineffective and incoherent. furthermore, it turns off new teachers to wanting to seriously remain in the educational system, or to give them the opportunity to try new and exciting pedagogies, which runs counter to what we should be encouraging in our educational system, b/c if the new teachers aren't going to be a source of innovation and exploration, who is?
there is absolutely no practicality or reason to this system. and it makes for some really fucking poor practice. i'm not even talking revolutionary pedagogy here, i'm just talking basic standards-based ordinary teaching. take this: my supervisor is supposed to get 4 formal observations done in the semester. i met with her to determine what days she would come in. but, b/c of surprise teacher training academies, district meetings, science lab trainings, etc. i had to cancel some observations, and she cancelled some observations, and now we're down to the last 3 weeks of the semester and she's threatening to give me an incomplete. she wants to come in tomorrow, a day i had planned as a test day, to observe me teach a lesson. what the fuck am i going to teach them, it doesn't even fit well into the calendar and the flow of the units.
so dig: this week is weird, b/c it's thanksgiving, and so monday is a full day, and tuesday and wednesday are half days. i need more than half a period to give a unit test, or to introduce a new topic, so i was going to do it like this: monday was going to be review, tuesday tests, wednesday a party/intro to new unit day. but, monday was taken out b/c of an emergency district meeting, so things got pushed back. tuesday became a review day (which sucked b/c i had to take two half periods to do a thorough review) and wednesday was going to be two periods of testing. but, b/c of my fucking supervisor and her demand that i teach a lesson, i'm now struggling to figure out what to do. i told my kids they were going to get a test tomorrow, so i can't just be like "haha, just kidding..." b/c then they would lose trust and never take me seriously again, esp. after all the emphasis i put on them studying tonight, and bringing their notes tomorrow to turn in for extra credit. so, no matter what, i am still going to give them the test. but, i wonder if squeezing in a lesson is going to be too little time to do either very well. and it doesn't make much sense, to me or the students, to have them test for a period, then come back and immediately start a new unit. it doesn't flow, and it gives them no sense of closure or release. they're not going to feel like things make sense, they're going to act up b/c i'm not giving them time to celebrate completion of a unit (which really, they should be allowed to do) and they're not going to retain anything from my new lesson, b/c their behavior is going to be absolutely bat shit crazy.
fuck shit cunt damn piss ass grunt kick fist.
-stef
whoever designed the university intern program for credentialing new teachers needs a fucking shoe up their ass. it is the most fucking miserable experience for the teacher candidates, and should not be considered anything less than a disservice to their students and the educational system immediately surrounding them, as they are completely deprived of any resources or support and drained and stretched to the point of being completely ineffective and incoherent. furthermore, it turns off new teachers to wanting to seriously remain in the educational system, or to give them the opportunity to try new and exciting pedagogies, which runs counter to what we should be encouraging in our educational system, b/c if the new teachers aren't going to be a source of innovation and exploration, who is?
there is absolutely no practicality or reason to this system. and it makes for some really fucking poor practice. i'm not even talking revolutionary pedagogy here, i'm just talking basic standards-based ordinary teaching. take this: my supervisor is supposed to get 4 formal observations done in the semester. i met with her to determine what days she would come in. but, b/c of surprise teacher training academies, district meetings, science lab trainings, etc. i had to cancel some observations, and she cancelled some observations, and now we're down to the last 3 weeks of the semester and she's threatening to give me an incomplete. she wants to come in tomorrow, a day i had planned as a test day, to observe me teach a lesson. what the fuck am i going to teach them, it doesn't even fit well into the calendar and the flow of the units.
so dig: this week is weird, b/c it's thanksgiving, and so monday is a full day, and tuesday and wednesday are half days. i need more than half a period to give a unit test, or to introduce a new topic, so i was going to do it like this: monday was going to be review, tuesday tests, wednesday a party/intro to new unit day. but, monday was taken out b/c of an emergency district meeting, so things got pushed back. tuesday became a review day (which sucked b/c i had to take two half periods to do a thorough review) and wednesday was going to be two periods of testing. but, b/c of my fucking supervisor and her demand that i teach a lesson, i'm now struggling to figure out what to do. i told my kids they were going to get a test tomorrow, so i can't just be like "haha, just kidding..." b/c then they would lose trust and never take me seriously again, esp. after all the emphasis i put on them studying tonight, and bringing their notes tomorrow to turn in for extra credit. so, no matter what, i am still going to give them the test. but, i wonder if squeezing in a lesson is going to be too little time to do either very well. and it doesn't make much sense, to me or the students, to have them test for a period, then come back and immediately start a new unit. it doesn't flow, and it gives them no sense of closure or release. they're not going to feel like things make sense, they're going to act up b/c i'm not giving them time to celebrate completion of a unit (which really, they should be allowed to do) and they're not going to retain anything from my new lesson, b/c their behavior is going to be absolutely bat shit crazy.
fuck shit cunt damn piss ass grunt kick fist.
-stef
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Sisyphean punishment
i'm beginning to suspect i've done something to deeply offend the gods.
why else would they have doomed me to such a Sisyphean task? i can think of no better phrase to describe my experiences thus far teaching 6th grade special ed math and science in south central LA: the long days and nights of constant worrying and physical stress, the huge gaps in achievement meant to be overcome in one year, the endless lesson-planning for classes the next day that don't even see full implementation because of my students' eruptive behavior, the false sense of achievement and hope when my students finally understand a concept one day, only to feel extra deflated and dispirited when they come back the next day having forgotten it all again, spending 3 whole weeks just trying to teach the bare basics of math, while the students constantly scream and yell saying it's "baby work" and still get all the problems wrong, giving up my breaks and my lunches and yes even my dinners to meet with students, talk with parents, grade papers and write new worksheets, only to come in the next day and have to do it all again.
HUGE BOULDER + HILL = ETERNITY OF FRUSTRATION.
i am quickly growing to hate my job. i spend the majority of my day waiting for the day to end. when not thinking about that, my thoughts turn to trying to calculate the remaining days before i am completely free of my contract and can walk away. June 2010 just seems like too long to wait...
i'm wondering where my train derailed... i came here with good intentions, to take a teaching job so i could help people and feel like i'm making a difference, to avoid a life in corporate america and a desk job with no sense of purpose, to avoid feeling miserable all day and hating my life and my work and never seeing the sunshine.
i never knew my dream job would actually turn out to be my personal hell.
and this is only week 4. there are 32 more weeks to go. (my students could not tell you what percentage of the year is finished. they could not tell you how many weeks total there were to begin with.*)
welcome to the jungle!
-stef
*there are 36 weeks in the school year (32+4=36). i'm only 11.1% done (4/36=.1111=11.1%)
Monday, September 15, 2008
disgusted.
so today was a long day. my special ed students left school on friday and forgot ALL of the math they learned in the last week over the weekend. we came back today and had to relearn EVERYTHING about subtraction. seriously, everything. like, borrowing, taking away the one, dropping the decimal points, all the bells and whistles. and, they decided today would be a great day to pull out all the tricks: the name-calling, the getting out of seats, the extra hyper attention deficits, the annoying mouth noises, the pencil-tapping, the blank stares, and the gum chewing. all so that my supervisors (TWO of them) could come in to observe and think my classroom has been a complete mess this whole time (which, trust me, it has not been). then, to make it extra fun, the ppl in the office decided today would be a good day to play with PA system at school. imagine shrill squeaking so loud that it lulls you into mental and physical paralysis. and causes you to develop an eye tic.
oh, and my aide decided she "wasn't feeling well," so she took off early (after, again, dawdling into class 30 minutes late). please, if anyone should be using that excuse for laziness, it should be me.
i didn't eat lunch today because i held my class for lunch detention and worked on their math problems with them, and then my conference period was taken up by two meetings, which lasted the entire time, so i went straight thru my day, 7 to 3, without any break, not even a bathroom break, and no more than 5 minutes to unwind. it's a good thing i decided to risk being late this morning to eat a quick bowl of cereal otherwise i probably would have fainted. oh, which i almost did, while i was driving on the fuckin 10 freeway to go to the bank.
oh, but all of that was fine and dismissible, compared to this: i was waiting in the lobby of the bank, grading papers and prepping for my classes tomorrow, when i saw some douchebag coming out of there wearing this:
i was revolted! those GOP fuckers have proceeded to offend me on yet another level, by appropriating the Rosie the Riveter symbol and superimposing Palin's face on it. i wanted to get out of my seat and beat him in the face with the 6th grade science book i was lugging around at the time, but my teacher brain remembered that "violence is not the answer." still, i was close. i was just that mad.
so, great. in addition to having to teach my special ed students all the california state standards for 6th grade math, i need to add overthrowing the GOP empire to my list of to-do's. can't a woman just catch a break?!
seriously. i don't have time to canvass and help with voter registration drives (and doing all that in CA might not help that much anyway), but i can't sit down and watch this all happening. DO PPL NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THE WOMAN IS A FUCKIN WHACKO?!? seriously, check it.
what scares me most is that ppl are actually MORE excited about the GOP now than they were before. whaa??? what kind of world are we living in if ppl become manically obsessed with an unqualified zealot and hypocrite? well, i guess i just answered my own question...
to close, i know that there was a lot of hullabaloo over Obama's pig/lipstick comment, and how the GOP is now accusing Obama of sexism. please, let's not be ridiculous. that's not what the man intended.
but if it looks like a pig, and talks like a pig, i'm certainly not calling it a duck, if you know what i'm saying...
-stephan!e
p.s. to give you a good perspective on the lipstick comment, listen to this segment from NPR.
p.p.s. UPDATE (9/15/08, approx. 10 pm PST): my dear friend Alex had this to say in response: "Stephanie, you live in California, the Democrats automatically win there. You can take a brief respite from trying to bring down the Old-Money, Oil-Profiteering, Fear-Mongering, and from what I hear, Massacre-Inspiring Tyrants of the GOP..." haha. thanks for keeping it real...
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
gold mine gutted
my friend Chels sent me a picture of the dame's demolition. she's sweet and keeps me updated on the state of things back home. she was right to warn me not to cry (but it still didn't stop me from being sad).
the dame in its glory days:
and the vibrant life that once enjoyed that space:
that's me and Chels enjoying our last night at the dame together
me and Ben
enjoying the breeze on a hot summer night.
and this is video of one of my favorite bands, animal collective, playing a show at the dame 2 summers past:
and the dame now:
UPDATE (9/15/08): and the dame now:
the dame in its glory days:
and the vibrant life that once enjoyed that space:
that's me and Chels enjoying our last night at the dame together
me and Ben
enjoying the breeze on a hot summer night.and the dame now:
UPDATE (9/15/08): and the dame now:Tuesday, July 29, 2008
earthquake!
this happened today:
an earthquake of 5.4 on the Richter scale. (when it first happened, we heard reports of it being a 5.8)
i'm ok, just a little shaken (no pun intended).
thoughts in a few,
stef
an earthquake of 5.4 on the Richter scale. (when it first happened, we heard reports of it being a 5.8)i'm ok, just a little shaken (no pun intended).
thoughts in a few,
stef
Saturday, July 12, 2008
wtf moment #239
this was me on thursday evening, ~10 pm PST, in my dorm room on the LMU campus (click to enlarge):
(the last/first one reads: "i haven't slept >4 hours in 5 fucking days and they're going to blast music right outside my door and try to convince me it's a party?!
OH HELL NO!!!!!")
vital stats:
cumulative sleep for the past week/ 5 days: 7 hours
number of lesson plans to write: 2 (1 final, 1 rough)
number of visual aid posters to make: 2
number of assessments and worksheets to create: 3 (1 end-of-class quiz, 1 in-class-note-taking worksheet, 1 mid-term)
number of hours remaining to finish work, try to sleep, shower, throw on some "business casual" and hoof it to the bus: 8
cups of green tea imbibed: 3
physical affect: delirium - in the form of uncoordinated stumbling, slurring of words, sleep-talking and bouts of narcolepsy
= h8s tf@ and their confusing doublespeak. (DON'T TELL ME TO DROP THE LESSON PLAN AND STILL EXPECT IT TO BE FINISHED ON TIME IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME TIME TO SLEEP OR BREATHE!)
fin.
-stef
(the last/first one reads: "i haven't slept >4 hours in 5 fucking days and they're going to blast music right outside my door and try to convince me it's a party?!OH HELL NO!!!!!")
vital stats:
cumulative sleep for the past week/ 5 days: 7 hours
number of lesson plans to write: 2 (1 final, 1 rough)
number of visual aid posters to make: 2
number of assessments and worksheets to create: 3 (1 end-of-class quiz, 1 in-class-note-taking worksheet, 1 mid-term)
number of hours remaining to finish work, try to sleep, shower, throw on some "business casual" and hoof it to the bus: 8
cups of green tea imbibed: 3
physical affect: delirium - in the form of uncoordinated stumbling, slurring of words, sleep-talking and bouts of narcolepsy
= h8s tf@ and their confusing doublespeak. (DON'T TELL ME TO DROP THE LESSON PLAN AND STILL EXPECT IT TO BE FINISHED ON TIME IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME TIME TO SLEEP OR BREATHE!)
fin.
-stef
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
updates on the fly!
yo!
quickies:
-i started teaching 6th grade summer school English this week (this is only day 2 of instruction. huzzah!)
-it is going well and i love teaching and feeling like i did a great job when all my students are getting the answers on their assessments right. that is pretty cool.
-also: getting used to introducing myself as "Ms. Lee" and being called by that name. weird at first, fo sho, but def growing on me.
-as much as i love teaching and i love the kids, i am getting to hate the routine. and it's not a teaching issue, it's more of a corporation/management issue. i'm pretty sure that no matter how hard i try to love "the man" the more "the man" hates down on me. *shrug* i'm over it.
-totally sleep-deprived today. only got 2 hours in-between running to make copies, drawing posters, assembling work packets and writing 4 feckin lesson plans last night. this shit is bananas. teachers need to sleep!
-so much work to do tonight: grading tests and worksheets, entering data into a tracker, ANOTHER lesson plan and set of worksheets to make (WTF?!) and they also expect me to go to an evening session from 7:30 to 9?! i couldn't even stay awake during the day sessions...
in sum: being in california and not sleeping and maybe slightly because of my company, is wreaking havoc on my english.
WANTING TO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE (cuz i've already shot myself in the foot!)
-stef
quickies:
-i started teaching 6th grade summer school English this week (this is only day 2 of instruction. huzzah!)
-it is going well and i love teaching and feeling like i did a great job when all my students are getting the answers on their assessments right. that is pretty cool.
-also: getting used to introducing myself as "Ms. Lee" and being called by that name. weird at first, fo sho, but def growing on me.
-as much as i love teaching and i love the kids, i am getting to hate the routine. and it's not a teaching issue, it's more of a corporation/management issue. i'm pretty sure that no matter how hard i try to love "the man" the more "the man" hates down on me. *shrug* i'm over it.
-totally sleep-deprived today. only got 2 hours in-between running to make copies, drawing posters, assembling work packets and writing 4 feckin lesson plans last night. this shit is bananas. teachers need to sleep!
-so much work to do tonight: grading tests and worksheets, entering data into a tracker, ANOTHER lesson plan and set of worksheets to make (WTF?!) and they also expect me to go to an evening session from 7:30 to 9?! i couldn't even stay awake during the day sessions...
in sum: being in california and not sleeping and maybe slightly because of my company, is wreaking havoc on my english.
WANTING TO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE (cuz i've already shot myself in the foot!)
-stef
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
THE FUCK?!!! (part deux)
i come home from school and begin the tedious process of unpacking all my shit just so i can repack it to move out to L.A. to begin my stint as a teacher.
and what do i need more than anything in the world right now? well, to be back among friends and some hugs, ideally, but i'll settle for some comfort music (the one song i can't get out of my head right now is "tonight, tonight" by the smashing pumpkins, and another S.P. song i don't know the name of but that i know i would recognize it if i could only hear it again, because i was overwhelmed with a feeling of forwardness, of no-looking-back, of immediacy and now, that flooded out the words, all i could hear was the beat and the swell of violins, a tolling bell, as i drove around in the infinite dark and expanse of cornfields in northern illinois, clutching the hand of someone i love, wishing we could drive forever and ever into that blackness and this song would never end and i would never have to let go, never have to say goodbye or even goodnight)
but i come home and plug in my harddrive, and what do i hear? an awful clicking, the whir of a struggling fan trying to bring my computer to life, and then the tinny sound of a clunky alert on my computer, telling me it can't read the disk and to eject it. wow, i want to vomit. this is the same sickening feeling i got in my stomach about a month ago when this happened the first time. and why should i be surprised? of course this would happen, i'm karma's biggest bitch. i want to vomit all over Bill Gates and Steve Jobs' faces right now, for inventing my dependency on technological happiness and for turning my life into invisible data, so easily corruptible and so easily lost. bastards!
i can't even begin to contemplate the scope of what i lost this time. (gag reflex). just about everything of value to me was on that stupid little lunchbox-sized piece of machinery, all of my writing, all of my plans for future writing, drawings, photos of friends and video projects (many still in progress), concert videos, memories of friends, lovers and family, and so many, oh so many good albums i may never be able to recover again. funnily, the only thing of huge value i did manage to save on my laptop was my recently completed senior project. and i don't even care about it, because i have dozens of hand-bound copies lying around my room right now. the materiality of it makes me ill. (gag).
i'm going to go the library now, i guess, to try to find a copy of the Smashing Pumpkins' Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. and then i'm gonna put Billy Corgan on full blast on my half-blown speakers and proceed to drown my sorrows in lemonade and whiskey. and when i sober up again, i'm gonna invest in a typewriter. perhaps i shall become a luddite.
[edit: i go to the library website and find that, of course, both their copies of Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness are lost and/or missing. such is my life these days...]
[edit #2: after looking at smashing pumpkins downloads, i realize that the song we were listening to in the car on the ride home was "Disarm."]
with infinite sadness,
stephanie
and what do i need more than anything in the world right now? well, to be back among friends and some hugs, ideally, but i'll settle for some comfort music (the one song i can't get out of my head right now is "tonight, tonight" by the smashing pumpkins, and another S.P. song i don't know the name of but that i know i would recognize it if i could only hear it again, because i was overwhelmed with a feeling of forwardness, of no-looking-back, of immediacy and now, that flooded out the words, all i could hear was the beat and the swell of violins, a tolling bell, as i drove around in the infinite dark and expanse of cornfields in northern illinois, clutching the hand of someone i love, wishing we could drive forever and ever into that blackness and this song would never end and i would never have to let go, never have to say goodbye or even goodnight)
but i come home and plug in my harddrive, and what do i hear? an awful clicking, the whir of a struggling fan trying to bring my computer to life, and then the tinny sound of a clunky alert on my computer, telling me it can't read the disk and to eject it. wow, i want to vomit. this is the same sickening feeling i got in my stomach about a month ago when this happened the first time. and why should i be surprised? of course this would happen, i'm karma's biggest bitch. i want to vomit all over Bill Gates and Steve Jobs' faces right now, for inventing my dependency on technological happiness and for turning my life into invisible data, so easily corruptible and so easily lost. bastards!
i can't even begin to contemplate the scope of what i lost this time. (gag reflex). just about everything of value to me was on that stupid little lunchbox-sized piece of machinery, all of my writing, all of my plans for future writing, drawings, photos of friends and video projects (many still in progress), concert videos, memories of friends, lovers and family, and so many, oh so many good albums i may never be able to recover again. funnily, the only thing of huge value i did manage to save on my laptop was my recently completed senior project. and i don't even care about it, because i have dozens of hand-bound copies lying around my room right now. the materiality of it makes me ill. (gag).
i'm going to go the library now, i guess, to try to find a copy of the Smashing Pumpkins' Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. and then i'm gonna put Billy Corgan on full blast on my half-blown speakers and proceed to drown my sorrows in lemonade and whiskey. and when i sober up again, i'm gonna invest in a typewriter. perhaps i shall become a luddite.
[edit: i go to the library website and find that, of course, both their copies of Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness are lost and/or missing. such is my life these days...]
[edit #2: after looking at smashing pumpkins downloads, i realize that the song we were listening to in the car on the ride home was "Disarm."]
with infinite sadness,
stephanie
Saturday, April 12, 2008
THE FUCK?!!!
48 hours before senior project is due: i'm sitting at my desk, listening to music and working on my paper. i have 10 documents open at once, maybe 3 applications. i'm pressing F9, which on a mac, lets you zoom out and look at everything at once, so you can find your bearings.
i zoomed out and it wouldn't zoom back.
i heard gears spinning, the clicking of some hardwear trying to find its place, a fan doing its best to keep the system from overheating.
3 hours later and my harddrive would be pronounced dead on arrival. when the guy at the apple store plugged it in to try some diagnostic tests, he said he couldn't even detect a harddrive on there.
now i have a useless piece of empty computer, which will cost close to $2K to recover the data from. and i don't know if my external harddrive got fried in the process too. i'm just hoping i made it away from this with just a small piece of my music collection still intact on that external...
i feel like the Universe's bitch right now. what did i do???!! i keep wondering why my karma is so for shit these days. maybe i hit a squirrel with my car and didn't know, in which case i'd like to formally issue my apology: i'm very sorry, it was nuthin personal, i actually love squirrels very much, if i could, i'd adopt the dead squirrel's family and let them live in my home.
just pleeeeaaaase, stop it with the bad karma!
less than 24 hours to go, and i am in some deep shit.
-stephanie
48 hours before senior project is due: i'm sitting at my desk, listening to music and working on my paper. i have 10 documents open at once, maybe 3 applications. i'm pressing F9, which on a mac, lets you zoom out and look at everything at once, so you can find your bearings.
i zoomed out and it wouldn't zoom back.
i heard gears spinning, the clicking of some hardwear trying to find its place, a fan doing its best to keep the system from overheating.
3 hours later and my harddrive would be pronounced dead on arrival. when the guy at the apple store plugged it in to try some diagnostic tests, he said he couldn't even detect a harddrive on there.
now i have a useless piece of empty computer, which will cost close to $2K to recover the data from. and i don't know if my external harddrive got fried in the process too. i'm just hoping i made it away from this with just a small piece of my music collection still intact on that external...
i feel like the Universe's bitch right now. what did i do???!! i keep wondering why my karma is so for shit these days. maybe i hit a squirrel with my car and didn't know, in which case i'd like to formally issue my apology: i'm very sorry, it was nuthin personal, i actually love squirrels very much, if i could, i'd adopt the dead squirrel's family and let them live in my home.
just pleeeeaaaase, stop it with the bad karma!
less than 24 hours to go, and i am in some deep shit.
-stephanie
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