"Fire is motion / Work is repetition / This is my document / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all defenses."

- Cap'N Jazz, "Oh Messy Life," Analphabetapolothology

Sunday, January 06, 2008

show me something real

there are times in my life when i just need to hold on to something, or be held tightly, to be convinced something is real.

i woke up at 4 am this morning sobbing into my pillow. i haven't been sleeping well in the past week. and last night i had two horrible, really bizarre dreams. i was dreaming of the apocalypse and the presidential primaries, taking acid and kissing old friends in tree houses.


in the first dream everything was dark. i remember vividly watching from inside my house as hail the size of comets tore up the surrounding neighborhood, ripping through concrete sidewalks and leaving holes in everything - like swiss cheese. and everyone was herded into a mall with a glass ceiling so we could see the hail falling and try to duck, but we knew we were all spending our last days trapped inside and the glass was to make us feel some tiny bit of control. i was walking with my mom and dad to find cover when a hail bomb the size of a house fell thru the glass, and while my dad and i ducked out of the way, it crushed my mom and killed her. i woke up screaming "no no no! oh no!" and then in my half-awake state i wrote something down on a note pad by my bed, something about a fear of natural disasters, and how i needed to write a letter to Obama, Hilary and John Edwards to convince them to make environmental issues a more significant part of their platforms. we've got to save my mom... i went back to sleep an hour later wondering if i might have a heightened fear of hail.

the second dream i only barely remember, but i was hiding out in some dilapidated dark building which i sensed was lifted from the ground, and no one else had faces but me and my ex-boyfriend, who was wearing a funny hat. we were slowly shrinking, becoming kids again, but with our adult heads, and we were taking some strange drug together that seemed to be turning back time. we were kissing, which we knew was wrong b/c we both had ppl in our lives now, but because we felt we were going to continue shrinking until we were no longer there (reverse death - becoming younger and younger until finally u're just a sperm and an egg - would it be any better?) it seemed better to hold on to whatever and whoever was around you, than to spend your final moments alone and sad.

i woke up. it was dark. all i wanted was someone to talk to, someone to hold me and let me cry in their arms and tell me things were going to be ok. the sun is going to shine tomorrow, don't worry...

listen: The Waves At Night [mp3 - yousendit] by Phosphorescent

-stephanie

3 comments:

Dr. remaerdyaD said...

DJ steph,
Power + the oval office = nagasakihiroshima divided by extreme mental stress.

As for nightmares, take comfort in the fact that you are least sleeping long enough to experience REM. Some dont. After that, try to monitor and eliminate any stimulants, sugar, and mental stresses in hours leading up to bedtime. This can mean ritual habits like caffine, chocolate, or even an overly engageing book or physical work. Just as there are good and bad dreams there are degrees in nightmareing too.

Even living with a long healthy regular dreamtime, I can still induce a harsh nightmare just by eating hot pepper before sleep.

Rae Jin Devine said...

My complicated relationship of the past seven-or-so years just ended in a level of betrayal I have never known. I've spent the past week in high and low states of anxiety, from throwing up anything I eat to filling my time with mindless tasks so I don't think about them.

They're the first thing I think about when I finally fall asleep and the first thing I think of when I wake.

Again, compared to any and all years of my life right now is the best.

Up until my junior year of college had several recurring nightmares, sensations I could always feel if given a moment of peace.

They're back and I hate it.
____________________________

Now, to make this comment less about me and more about you...I gotta agree with Dr. Remaerdyad.

You've been stressin' hardcore lately and things like this are to be expected. Doesn't mean you can't deal with them. I've been having way too much coffee lately and not enough food. Thus, fitful sleep.

I take my dreams in moderation both acknowledging what may cause them and knowing they can, and often do, mean nothing.

I think your dreams are quite normal in a society built around fear by our media and as a general human with a built in fear of isolation/loneliness.

S'all good babe,
Rae

P.S.
www.blackkidsmusic.com

stephan!e lee said...

oh man, you two totally just earned honorary medical licenses in MY book!

i mean, you NAILED me. you're right, of course, my fitful sleep is due to stress. it didn't make sense at first, i mean, i JUST finished my senior project, and the feedback was good, even congratulatory. i'm well on my way to graduate now, i know this, but i'm still stressed.

Rae, i totally identified with this: "They're the first thing I think about when I finally fall asleep and the first thing I think of when I wake."

lately i've been thinking about the future, and really dreading having to meet it, and in particular the future of my relationships with people and one person in particular. and those things are the things that occupy my mind ALL the time, but are more pronounced at night, when i'm lying in bed, and the only things to keep me company are these horrible fears and anxieties.

lately, fear has been a controlling part of my life. i'm incapacitated by it, really, i can't move myself forward b/c i'm afraid to get lost.

and the uncertainty of everything, of school, of jobs and careers, even just feeling like i look like shit lately, all of it is taking a heavy toll.

and of course, it's all a vicious cycle.

anyway, more weird dreams last night. this time: my best friend and i were wandering around a dark college campus/ fair ground and we were buying humongous ice cream cones with some heavy liquor in them and i was watching in horror as the ice cream man was blatantly taking huge bites and licking them before he sold them to families and kids, but no one saw and no one did anything and so he continued doing it. we couldn't find the way home. WEIRD.

anyway...
-stef