"Fire is motion / Work is repetition / This is my document / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all defenses."

- Cap'N Jazz, "Oh Messy Life," Analphabetapolothology

Monday, March 31, 2008

real emotional trash

ok so that's the name of a Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks album. but it's fitting, b/c not only have i been listening to them a lot lately, but that's kinda how i feel about my life right now.

i don't have any real reason to feel this way, but emotions are kinda like that. they just happen, that's why i prefer saying "i feel" rather than "i think" b/c emotions are just there and you have to deal with them, and reason is overrated anyway. who wants an explanation when all you really want is a hug?

i don't know if it's the weather in ohio (nothing but rain for days, it seems), or the lack of sleep, or the malnutrition, or my loneliness*, my restlessness, the overwhelming list of things i have to do before tomorrow and the next monday and before i graduate, or if it's the lack of warmth or safety i have b/c i realized i left all my sweaters at home, or the hole in my sleeve, or the mud in my shoes, or the way i feel no one understands how sad i can get sometimes, but...

in the last hour or so i've felt on the brink of tears. and i hardly ever cry. but i guess these little break-downs happen a lot. i guess i document them b/c they're always strange to me when they happen, and maybe deep down i hope by remembering them i can counteract them when they happen again. 

lately, i've been busy and a lot of my friends have been busy. i can understand that when work piles up, we need to take breaks from each other some times. but really, when this happens, i don't get more work done, i just spend less of it being happy. i miss living with ppl who knew me well enough to know that when work kicks in, that's when i need them most. i miss having a friend nearby to reach out a hand and steady mine. i need people the most when i get busy like this, but i find ppl especially don't want me around these days. 

i feel forgotten. i feel alone. i feel like disappearing.

that's usually what i try to do. i turn off my phone, i unplug the internet. i put up a wall of sound around me and let pounding music throb in my head until i can fall asleep again. 

i'm real emotional trash. i'm feeling used and under-appreciated today. i've been running around since the early morning working for various ppl, sometimes getting paid, sometimes getting ignored. i've been really emotional b/c i feel i've put my own work off for so long, and i've spent most of my day making time to help other ppl with things, and only getting pushed around and asked to do more things. one of my friends observed that he seems to notice "ppl seem to want to take advantage of you a lot." this doesn't make me feel very good. 

i think i'll take a trip. i don't know to where yet. i don't want to say i'll be back, even tho i probably will. i just don't want to be sad any more, and if i find happiness on the road, maybe i'll stay there for a while instead.

listen: "We Can't Help You" [mp3] by Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks


*loneliness, even when you're surrounded by people. that's the worst kind of loneliness.


remaerdyaD the guy with the scarey live video thingy said...

Think ppl r scared of my video stream. Is realy fun though. Will put up ur mp3 on rotation. Here is me sharing the adres straight up www.ustream.tv/channel/t3knu

PS chk ur last utoob and I leave a nice message comment b4 I fal asleep here....zzzz

remaerdyaD again said...

Oh shit, I am blocked from comenting on utoob now.... anyways, it made me laugh and smile earlier on this gloomy cold lonely day. So thanx a mil is al I wanted to say.

Best video ever!

stephan!e lee said...

which video was it? the "suck it bitches" one?

if so, i'm glad you liked it. sometimes i need to watch it too, just to remember how fun being at school can be.

thx for the comments.

remaerdyaD said...

Yeah, that one.

Kathee said...

I can definitely identify with feelings of real emotional trashiness. (Aside: Do you like the album? I do. I've been riding around town listening to "Geranium" a lot lately. It helps me feel hopeful in the face of too much work and not enough love/happiness/sunshine.)

It's hard to feel alone, especially when you're technically not. Sometimes I worry that my feelings of loneliness are selfish, after all, the world doesn't revolve around me, but I'm trying to take more time to show other people that I care and hope that some of that goodness comes back to me. Mostly I'm trying to remember that it's not wrong to want to feel loved and cared about by people that you love and care about. I know it sounds sappy, but it's so easy for me to forget that.

We should go on an adventure sometime, try and do some good for ourselves.


stephan!e lee said...

thanks for the words, Kathee. i think my loneliness is a selfish kind of loneliness too. but you're right that no one likes to feel alone or forgotten. and it's not like i think i'm the most awesome person in the world, but i also don't think i'm an awful person, and i've certainly tried my best to show love and kindness to the ppl in my life, but lately i feel like that's not enough somehow.

i feel like i keep screwing up things and i'm running out of places i can go and hide where my mistakes don't follow me.

but an adventure would be nice. i would like that very much.