to build a fire

i've spent the last 15 minutes looking for a book of matches. i coulda sworn i tucked one away in a purse somewhere, but now i'm thinking i might've taken it back out b/c i was boarding an airplane a while ago and worried they'd find it suspicious.

i used to keep a book of matches on me all the time. i was always worried about getting lost in the woods at night and thought i would need to build a fire at some point and might as well be careful and prepared. (which is funny, b/c now, i imagine the woods at night as being a much safer place to be than where i am now...)

i'm in a destructive mood. i want to find matches b/c i want to light a candle. i want to light a candle so i can hold it in my hands and feel the heat, to feel warm and safe. but i also want to light a match so i can watch it burn, because it's against the rules, b/c if i let it burn long enough it might just catch fire to the whole place, b/c it might set off the smoke alarm, b/c it might draw everyone out of their rooms and force them to stand, huddled together, outside. b/c if i stare at the flames long enough, maybe i'll burn my retinas and i could get a seeing eye dog.

i did my winter laundry today, washed a coat and stuck it in the dryer with a bunch of woolens, even though the tag on the coat said "KEEP AWAY FROM FLAMES" (yes, the type was actually in red!) and had a big X through the dryer symbol, all with the hope that maybe it would combust.

of course, none of this happened. i didn't find any matches, and all my scarves and mittens are clean and tucked away in drawers for the spring.

-stephanie

[mp3] "Someone to Share My Life With (words of wisdom)" by Jens Lekman

for some reason, the first part of sampled song with twinkly harp that goes "all i need now is to find myself a good woman" (can anyone tell me what song that is?) is stuck in my head and repeating itself in a loop. it'll replace the fire for now...