now that you're gone...

"now that you're gone, things don't seem the same.
i may just have to give them different names...
like 'soaking wet blanket,' for the sky.
and 'faded black stars,' for your eyes..."

-from Eef Barzelay's "Song for Batya"

i really liked listening to this song this afternoon after i came back from a 1.5 hour run. i just kept running, starting on LMU's campus, the doors of my dorm, and it felt like the sidewalk opened up before me and i wanted to run until i reached the edge of everything and could peer over the side, maybe sit on that edge and dangle my feet off the end of the earth. i imagine the expanse of space feeling like a cool stream tickling my toes...

i ended up running through one parade, an outdoor concert/festival (there were men dressed as army men, singing that song that goes "living in america..." and there were people clothed in american flags eating hot dogs and cotton candy), a block party, a cookout, a grocery store (where i realized i could buy apples for almost $2/pound cheaper than where i'm going now, though it's a far longer distance to walk), a pool party, someone's garden that i thought was an extension of sidewalk, to the roof of a greenhouse where i stopped for a while under a gnarly tree to think and look out over the expanse of L.A. city and wave at the Pacific, then kept running and running until i realized i'd reached the airport and there were planes landing overhead and decided to turn around.

i came back, not any less frustrated or unhappy (no runner's high this time, which was an unfortunate disappointment, the last time i ran for far less and felt like i'd just gone to the moon! - though my shin cramps the next day felt like punishment) and decided to keep walking until i cooled down. i went to the bluffs, where i like to sit and watch hummingbirds in the trees, but this time i found a lawn chair waiting for me on a rocky ledge, away from the trees but on the very brink of the bluff, and sat there and looked across L.A., wondering what the ppl of this city were doing to celebrate their country.

i came back and did some stretches in the dark, and listened to Eef, and for some reason, those words stood out.

and now, again, i hear Eef's words over the whir of my mind and my laptop:

"...but i still want to jump..."

happy independence day
-stef