"Fire is motion / Work is repetition / This is my document / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all defenses."

- Cap'N Jazz, "Oh Messy Life," Analphabetapolothology

Saturday, February 09, 2008

if these seeds could sprout...

good Saturday, gentle humans -

i've been delighted and cheerful lately. the weather has been beautiful, and i'm back to riding my bike everywhere, sitting outside and enjoying gentle breezes, feeling light and lithe not having to wear a heavy coat all the time. i've been sharing great conversations and significant secrets with friends, and in the process, learning so much about them and myself. there's a certain delicacy i'm discovering in everyone, we're thrown together for only so brief a time, and it seems precious to be share these moments of our lives together. i think about the future and how we'll look back on this and smile and cry because of the intimacy of our togetherness.

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i've kept true to my promise to stay away from screens as much as possible. even when working my job at the computer lab, i've busied my hands, rather than my eyes. i spent 5 hours disassembling a keyboard so i could uncover the dirty little pieces of passed time underneath. like a forensic scientist, i carefully Q-tipped and cotton swabbed the interstices, thinking about the various humans i was wiping away. eyelashes, little beard hairs, pieces of fingernail, dandruff, eye gunk, sweater fuzz, bread crumbs, it's amazing what things settle in the spaces over time...

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i would consider myself a misanthropist by habit. usually i don't hold humans in very high regard. sometimes human behavior frightens me and discomforts me. i've wanted to trust people and hope that everyone will act out of love, but have found myself frequently disappointed. there are times when i feel incredibly alone, but not necessarily desirous of company. i dunno what i'm trying to say really, just that lately the opposite has been true. i've been extremely happy to be around ppl constantly, and to be close and vulnerable among them. i realize that to be human is a delicate thing, and to be happy about it a very fragile and precious thing.

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i woke up this morning after sleeping incredibly well (no dreams tho, which is sad because i just bought a new dream journal this week, having written on the last page the other day - a dream about a fight for Middle Earth in my living room, and killing both my boyfriend and my father with a large gun, and then questing for a serum to undo what i'd already done - all the people in my life having died in violent dreams of mine in the last few weeks). i had fleetwood mac in my head and so turned it on as i brushed my teeth and awoke the coffee pot, transformed my work space and cleared and cleaned a space. i am going to be productive and generative and this is going to be the best weekend ever!

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my friend Dave is visiting from out-of-town, the weather is beautiful today, there's work to be done and i plan to do it, and later, i will be hand-making valentines for friends and family, and tomorrow, Brandon and i have a date to watch Grizzly Man, the most beautiful and delightful movie i've ever seen. it's going to be a good weekend...

-stephanie


p.s. as i write this, i see that i am only 2 visits away from having 10,000 total visitors to the blog since it was created in the summer of 2006. thanks for reading and stopping by, this is absolute madness!

2 comments:

remaerdyaD said...

9:39
Hey. Was kinda expecting not to see much of ya blogwise for a while. But ur one to b full of surprises.

Movies? Gosh, I would do one of those except since I started using gnutella years ago and got movie releases just before or as they were hiting local theatre, I forget that they even exist. Of course, here it tends to peeve me, what with moviehouses being built on land always owned and ctrl'd by schmollywood.

Which brings up one point. You wrote ur not taking film in school? (I liked the idea of knowing a "film student" in my life!) Um, have you read Salman Rushdie. The take on Bollywood was quite a transformative experience for yours truly in mine comprehension of holywood culture. I am thinking Midnight Children, but it is sort of a reoccuring theme in his books. (I have this thing that I read writers rather than books - thus I have read all but one of his books, The Wizard Of Oz, about the film industry, I think. I have yet to find a copy... Oh if only I bought stuff online, woh is me.)

Congrats with your 10000 barrier. L'see, the dow is hovering toward 12000. With that psychology, you might just be CEO of blogger/google yet!

BTW do you realize in your blog that there are two central themes?: 'life is unbearable!' and 'life is great!'. (Just trying to bug you a bit with frankness. Back to work... Hope I didn take ya from ur thesis and work here... Oh, you said you speak Mandarine? I just saw on the news here that there are schools teaching kids Mandarine! I can almost see myself sitting with 6 years olds and learning it, which would be a nice slap in the face of everyone in my life who tell me to go to school. Back to work, seriously...)

Mein blog (seems websites for me are coming out of the freaking woodwork: work at trading video: get a free blog!) has restarted: http://3d1on.blip.tv/journals/

STORY
Anyways, I found out a while ago that my other prefered spot by the big river here (the old spot I think is visited by one my ex's to do, um, things I'd rather not know I suspect) is actualy an old trail by indigenous folk (good fishing ground: there is a huge area that is like a island in the midle of a river basin full of tall grass and short tree - the deer love it).

Anyways, there is this point about half-way through the secluded part of the trail where some hunters set up a post - a platform (where I, well, sunbathe, in sumer of course (you dang californians wouldn't understand (-;) and a lookout post up a tree. But just after that is my favouritefavourite spot in the whole world.

Okay, so like you enter through these old old small trees all bent over, like an arch way. Is full of tall, golden grass. You pass through a bunch of like crabaple trees or something and then there is this mix of golden grass, hilly mounds, a canopy that makes for a spectacular glow of sunlight, and thick brush out towards the river where you can peer through in spots for like a hundred metres (like a football field length). I have a supermegasecret place there from when I break from watching my herons.

Anyways, turns out that this very spot is actualy like one of the last surviving burial mounds. I talked with one of the ppl who run the trail (the main trail uphill was once a main railway line) as I wanted to inquire why the whole area couldnt be a nature reserve or at least preservation area (they actualy used to hunt herons here a long time a go, before hunting them was baned). He said that the burial mounds are being respected and preserved, which is both good and unusual, AFAIK.
END OF STORY

remaerdyad said...

Anyways, so like I went down the day before the big dumping here of like two feet of snow (snow is sublimated rainwater) and I almost sufocated from seeing my spot: every tree branch had this glowing strip of white snow on it and because al the green is gone, you can see through the brush realy realy far - like peering through a thousand layers of foreground in a shoebox peephole. The ground was all white and undisturbed, apart from me and mine feet. Thus the (mostly tall, thin) tree trunks were like a black tall alphabet on 100+% whiteness photocopy paper.

Sufice to write, I did not pass out. But I did fall over from the vision. Beter than alcohol it is.