"Fire is motion / Work is repetition / This is my document / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all defenses."

- Cap'N Jazz, "Oh Messy Life," Analphabetapolothology

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

confession

i really really really like reading blogs written by ppl i know. far more than i like reading the news, or comics, novels (b/c i don't have time for that any more), or watching tv (unless it's the Daily Show, b/c everyone knows Jon Stewart is my elvis), and yes, sometimes, even more than i like keeping up with email.

i like being reminded what amazing, adventurous, creative, and brilliant friends i have. and i like reading beautiful and honest words. something about the openness and self-reflection necessary to keeping a blog, as opposed to the informality and privacy of email, makes it seem more beautiful and honest.

email can become mundane b/c of its regularity, its connection to work, and careless b/c of its ease of use. you can read, delete, move on, or even ignore, but there's a delicate vulnerable permanence to blogging that makes it seem more elevated, hyper-real, a more lustrous form of ordinary life.

i don't know if i'm exaggerating or making too much of a little thought. i just know that nothing makes me more excited than reading something written by a friend, even if it's not intended specifically for me. in fact, the anonymity of my readership makes the experience so much more fascinating! how could they know, in their general reflection, that they could appeal so specifically to a feeling i'm also experiencing! this seems the true test of our mutual humanity and understanding, if from miles and time zones away, you are still able to share experiences as if you'd never parted ways to begin with.

i guess i'm saying i would really love it if my friends wrote more, or if i had more friends' blogs to read, b/c i am just so hungry for that good stuff!

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on another note, today was such a surprisingly unproductive day. i took a sick day b/c i just couldn't find the resolve to get thru traffic and schlep my way into work this morning, even though i woke up, brushed my teeth and everything. somehow the act of finding an outfit to wear was just too exhausting and i didn't get farther than putting a shirt on. eating a hearty breakfast, too, seemed like more effort than it was worth. i stayed in and tried to make headway on some grad school work, paperwork, and lesson plans, but i got tired out from thinking about the remaining weeks of school, that by the time it was 2 pm (6th period at school) i passed out in bed again, sleeping thru the afternoon and waking up disoriented, confused, and feeling like a bum.

my body and mind are so tired, i don't think i can make it another 2 weeks before spring break. i need this trip home so bad, i've never felt such hunger pangs for home in my entire life. i think it will take physical force on my parents' part to get me to come back to LA, there seems to be so little here to hold my attention.

i can't believe that a year ago, this time, i was in college, and having fun on weekends. i miss the communal life i had in college, and i think it's a shame you can't find communal living like that beyond the college experience. things like that should have continuity beyond 4 years of young adulthood.

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i just listened to some of Dr. Dog's "We All Belong." something about that album reminds me of May 2008. i had images of sitting on the floor of my boyfriend's living room, sawing away at a book press in the late night, taking a break to drive to walmart to buy a wrench. the feeling of brief freedom and contentment, to have only one determination ("must finish binding this book") and be able to devote my time and energy to it completely, i miss that feeling.

-stephan!e

1 comment:

PAPPP said...

Various responses, bracketed to match sections of your post:

I don't know if I qualify as friend, but the voyeurism is better with acquaintances anyway: Read! Comment! Enjoy! I hope I'm being interesting.

Does blogger not have creepy mutual-stalking tools? I know the blog engine mine is running in has a plugin that records IP addresses and user agents for all my visitors, that I can then use to try to figure out who they are and if I know them (which is horrible, awful, amazing fun)
--
Mental fatigue happens, I've accomplished far, far less over the first half of my spring break than I hoped, just because I can't get the energy and drive back under me. Yours is way more grandiose though, as always seems to be the case when you do things.
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I perversely miss the MUST CROSS THE LINE desperation/determination of my overly ambitious last semester as an undergrad too, it was concrete and available to be all-consuming when it needed to be (and sometimes when it didn't). There is something wonderfully fulfilling about that situation that I've never found otherwise.