"Fire is motion / Work is repetition / This is my document / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all we've done / We are all all defenses."

- Cap'N Jazz, "Oh Messy Life," Analphabetapolothology

Thursday, August 23, 2007

what's broken can always be fixed, what's fixed will always be broken


as some of you will remember, i fell in love with the music of a Swede named Jens Lekman.

and as the summer winds down and blows away, taking my memories of it (the smells, the touch and feels) away, too, i find myself listening to his music again. it always seems to find me in these liminal months, when i'm back in the midst of woods in Oxford, Ohio, awaiting the approach of autumn in the corners of rooms by windows, wishing it would rain to match my mood.

i think this is why i love Jens and his music: it allows me to relax and stop trying to articulate pangs i get about delicate moments, and be satisfied in knowing someone understands, that someone put it to song, with handclaps and gentle harp, and extravagant whistling.

i'm realizing time is fleeting. i spend my days now worrying about classes and homework, graduate exams, finding jobs, rushing to the library to grab all the books relevant to my research before someone else can, waiting for weekends so i can trip over to the woods or to the farmers' market. busy busy, always planning ahead, but never seeing directly in front of me.

i read a beautiful reflection on the death of a friend, on how the smallest details are what you always linger on to remember someone. "glances, touches, purchases, short phone calls, preparing a snack, standing in a doorway, taking off or putting on shoes." same goes for memories of your own life, i guess. all you have are moments.

which is why i return to Jens Lekman every summer, and especially why i listen to him now. he knows what it's like to want, more than anything, to prolong this moment, and every moment thereafter, to long to stretch out the spaces between seconds and climb inside and build a home. "The desire to go back to another time, to swim for a while there, and to cast it in rosy light. The doomed, daft act of revisiting a lost place and gilding it gold." [source]

-stef

---
speaking of moments, i stayed up all night remembering the summer in lost journal entries. i remember i've yet to fulfill my promise of posting writing from my summer travel journals. is there any desire any more?

2 comments:

Rae Jin Devine said...

I wrote a long comment but then deleted it. I was trying to sound smart and thoughtful but failed, turning my intentions shallow poorly articulated.

I'm glad you have your Jens Lekman. I cherished my brief visit home between being in Oxford for the summer and my plane ride to Korea.

It may not sound like the same thing, but gaming from dusk till dawn is me creating, and reliving, moments I wish could last forever.

If only I could make this trip the same way, staving off the eventual return to the United States, Miami University, and ultimately, the gauntlet of Senior Project, graduation, and the endless "next."

P.S. I would certainly enjoy your summer musings.

stephan!e lee said...

Rae:

so you're in Korea now? that's awesome.

yeah, i think on some level all of us are just trying to save and relive moments, hanging on to things so we can avoid thinking about what's ahead. my mom just became an empty-nester as my bro just moved away to college, and i imagine she feels the same way we do.

i'm still trying to hang on to childhood, my mom is still trying to hang on to her children.

i should give her a call...
-stef

p.s. have fun in Korea!