dropping the writ

photo from Cass McCombs's website. read on...

it's been a lo-oh-ong week! there is much to do in a very short expanse of time, i'm going to have to rip the fabric of space & time and find a hole to sleep in...

which is much too unfortunate, b/c i just learnt that Cass McCombs is coming to Louisville to play a concert with José González this saturday. as in, i'm gonna have to build a time machine real quick if i'm gonna find time to get away from my work to bask in the ecstasy of such sparkling live performances.

here's how the weekend could potentially "break down" (as in gimme the break down, what's the shake down? things are gonna break. as in brake. as in drop everything, stop the presses, this news is fit to print, fit to sprint, stop and go go gooooo!!):

there are two (2!) enticing concerts this weekend, back-to-back: Cass and José on Saturday in Louisville, then Peter Bjorn and John on Sunday in Cincinnati.

let's do the math, shall we? that's 2 tantalizing guitar talents + 4 delicious Swedes (José shares a hometown with my favorite Swede), in just 48 hours.

+ i have 30 pages of an undergraduate thesis, a final paper (5 pages), a Teach for America final interview, a 6 essay question final exam, a multi-genre research paper, and a final inquiry project proposal and presentation to be done by Wednesday of next week...

but with such chances at happiness before me, i'm tempted to just drop all the work and elope with my records...

so, while i debate my decision, download these tunes, and commiserate with me.

dropping the writ,
stephanie


how can you not love Cass McCombs??! he must be one of the most un-deservingly under-the-radar musicians i know. and i'm totally digging - like hand me a shovel, i'll dig my way to China, where it's still yesterday - the album artwork:


listen: "That's That" (from his album Dropping the Writ)

and of course, José Gonzalez's cover of The Knife's "Heartbeats" is one of my faves.
listen: "Heartbeats" (from Veneer)

the present is a mystic trance...

it's 4:20 in the anti meridiem and i am still awake, typing furiously, obsessively, at my senior thesis. 

it seems i finally stumbled across a burst of inspiration, and despite my overwhelming sense of tire, i decided that if i went to sleep i'd waste this precious moment(um).

the problem now tho is i'm not sure how to actually begin the thesis. i have some strong points that need introduction, and i'm not sure how best to accomplish it. i want it to be urgent, but not too abrupt. i suppose i want to ease the reader into an energized discussion of the failings of our educational system and my scathing critique of capitalist society in large, but how...?

these things are delicate, first impressions make a big difference. and it really sets the pace and tone for the rest of my work...

but some of what i have written so far is somewhat exciting. such as:

America isn't at the polls; America is at the mall. A generation of pseudo-citizens, their brains doped up on reality TV, atrophied from instant access and instant gratification, tricked into thinking their children's happiness is a McDonald's Happy Meal and duped into believing democracy is texting a vote for their next American Idol. This isn't real life; this is reel life. 

and i find myself worrying about this crick in my neck that seems to be attendant with lack of sleep and long hours in front of my laptop in awkward sitting positions.

perhaps to bed?

-stef

senior project nuggets

hi all -

making a tiny bit of progress on the lofty project. since i've found myself incapacitated by the lit review and unable to generate anything new or original of my own (figures... when u waste time regurgitating other ppl's thots u soon forget yr own...), i began compiling useful fragments from some sources i'm reading, as i try to rediscover my ability for original thought.

so here they are, some inspiring nuggets:

from Jane Addams's Twenty Years at Hull House

...I had been sharply and painfully reminded of "The Vision of Sudden Death" which had confronted De Quincey one summer's night as he was being driven through rural England on a high mail coach. Two absorbed lovers suddenly appear between the narrow, blossoming hedgerows in the direct path of the huge vehicle which is sure to crush them to their death. De Quincey tries to send them a warning shout, but finds himself unable to make a sound because his mind is hopelessly entangled in an endeavor to recall the exact lines from the Iliad which describe the great cry with which Achilles alarmed all Asia militant. Only after his memory responds is his will released from its momentary paralysis, and he rides on through the fragrant night with the horror of the escaped calamity thick upon him, but he also bears with him the consciousness that he had given himself over so many years to classic learning--that when suddenly called upon for a quick decision in the world of life and death, he had been able to act only through a literary suggestion.

This is what we were all doing, lumbering our minds with literature that only served to cloud the really vital situation spread before our eyes.

---

from Ivan Illich's Deschooling Society

...the right to learn is curtailed by the obligation to attend school.

The current search for new educational funnels must be reversed into the search for their institutional inverse: educational webs which heighten the opportunity for each one to transform each moment of his living into one of learning, sharing, and caring.

---

from Situationist International's "On The Poverty of Student Life"

Modern capitalism and its spectacle allot everyone a specific role in a general passivity. The student is no exception to the rule. He has a provisional part to play, a rehearsal for his final role as an element in market society as conservative as the rest. Being a student is a form of initiation. An initiation which echoes the rites of more primitive societies with bizarre precision. It goes on outside of history, cut off from social reality. The student leads a double life, poised between his present status and his future role. The two are absolutely separate, and the journey from one to the other is a mechanical event "in the future." Meanwhile, he basks in a schizophrenic consciousness, withdrawing into his initiation group to hide from that future. Protected from history, the present is a mystic trance.

---

!!!
-stef

something to be thankful for...

NOT BEING ME!


as the whole world (except for the descendants of the Native Americans, for whom Thanksgiving - is probably one big F*** YOU in the face of their heritage and culture) enjoys the break to be with their families and friends, i am freaking the hell out about all manner of things future and looming.

I AM LOSING MY MIND. if hair were the physical extension of the mind, it's coming out in handfuls. i swear i am hallucinating, i don't feel alive most of the time, and even occasionally believe i am dead. (surely being the living dead counts...?) i've been having out-of-body experiences while riding my bike, when i had several close calls with cars that would certainly have killed me if dumb luck didn't intervene. example: i am riding my bike to the rec for my usual workout. i stop in the driveway of the arts center and look both ways for cars. seeing nothing, i prepare to cross the street. for some reason, i decide to hesitate for the briefest of moments, just as a white car comes zooming out from behind a row of parked cars. i feel the wake of its passing, the wind sweeping across my face. i can imagine its impact, as i ride into its negative space, imagining myself rolling out in front of it just as it was gaining speed, my neck breaking upon impact, my body broken as it's airborne to land in a lifeless thud on the pavement. i imagine blood and spit coming out of my mouth and eyes even while i ride my bike up to the rec and park it.

another time in the last week, i was almost side-swiped by a car on my way home from class, and as it passed by me, i imagined leaving my body behind in the spot where the impact would have occurred, and i imagined my self, the one still riding the bike, to be a ghost, or my imagination, disembodied, floating on in spite of death. (for about half an hour i wondered if perhaps i really was dead, and my existence was the result of brain flickers, a parallel existence that suddenly came awake to fill the void left by my bodied life...)

i'm losing what little self-assurance i had to begin with: i came home for the break to find out i got horrible GRE scores. even the analytical writing section, which i had hoped would be fine, turned out to be less than mediocre. there's no way i'm getting into grad school like this... and what's worse, i actually think grad school may be a better fit for me than Teach for America. how can i teach kids in poverty-stricken communities when i've never even lived in the real world myself? i'm still just a kid myself. and i'm not qualified to teach anything...

and they won't want me anyway, not given my recent failures in life in general and school in particular. even though senior project seems to be under way, it's just one thing in a slew of other things that are oppressing my life and freedoms. what's worse, this confluence of things has me paralyzed with fear, stunned with the inertia of having to begin against such weight, such sheer volume of things...

all this fear, this utter paralysis, of course gets me no where. and worse, it has me doing stupid things, such as sending this utterly pathetic email to my professor:


(the IAP referenced above is a project i was supposed to have already completed by now, but which i have yet to start, b/c it seems completely irrelevant and worse, time-consuming!)

all i want is to bind books and write things that make me (and others) happy. instead i feel half-alive but mostly dead...

blah blah blah enjoy your thanks giving
-stefan!e

200th post + updates

hi!

i'd like to commemorate my 200th post by first apologizing to you loyal readers whose interest in my life and happenings amuses me so much. thanks for caring, yo.


and now, sadly, back to the egocentricity: a lot has happened lately...
-i thought i was going to drop out of school when my lit review still wasn't done last Tuesday and my seminar instructor told me i was not going to graduate if it wasn't done by the Monday preceding (that was a dark time in my life that i'd rather not commit to the ethernet, if that's ok with you...)
-i finally got it done on Wednesday night, only to have my computer crash in the moments before i could email it to my instructor ... this resulted in some profanity better left censored, if that's ok with you...
-i recovered the document, minus some minor spelling changes, and submitted it no less than 3 weeks late.
-in the end, the 4 weeks of frantic reading, regurgitation, and misguided typing, the overwhelming feelings of existential confusion, utter exhaustion and raw frustration, the hours of endless shaking and eye-twitching, hallucinations and hopeless tears finally amounted to a 15 page document that signifies the worst experience of my undergraduate career. i was so excited to finally have it done, i think i sat and stared at my computer screen for another half hour, not knowing whether to cry from relief or to go to sleep for the sake of my sanity.
-on track to graduate again. the lit review = A.
-interviewed for Teach for America.
-heard back, was invited to a full day interview... (which i am preparing for now and am v. v. nervous and stressed... again!)
-rode in a small bike protest which i'm hoping grows into a Mass.
-organized an SFS training retreat. the feedback was positive. it seems i'm pretty dece at organizing...
-got a call today from Campus Progress. they want me to organize an alternative spring break on labor organizing and living wage activism. 'tsa good thing i'm pretty dece at organizing...
-got a lovely book from Brian over at hummingbunny in the mail today! thanks for the gift, friend. it's always nice getting labors of love from friends in the mail.

speaking of which...

i'm on my way to getting some book-binding materials as part of my senior project! i'm terribly excited, i can't stand myself! i finally tracked down the book-binding guru in the english department and now have a list of materials that will make this dream of binding my senior thesis a reality.

the idea i'm currently playing with: printing my thesis on the pages of these blue books


then, binding the individual books together, each one a "signature", and possibly using an exposed binding as seen here in the work of Slack Buddha Press:


i plan on making at least 2 individual books en masse for my project:
1) the thesis itself, an artist's statement of sorts, the theory informing my praxis; and
2) a volume of essays and creative works done by students in my class, which we will assemble and bind as a class under the collective name FREE RAD!CALS - this being a manifestation of praxis, an actualization of everything i believe - bound and sewn with the careful precision of my own hands...!!

i've been keeping a list of friends and mentors - people who have helped me and who have inspired me throughout the process of writing and creating this project - to gift copies of my thesis to in the spring. if you're reading this now, i probably have your name down somewhere, but i need yr address.

things are EXPLODING!
-stef

tonight, tonight, we'll crucify the insincere, tonight.

before i went to bed tonight, i awoke to a memory of Jens saying this at his concert in Chicago:

last night i went to bed in a bad mood. the show in Cleveland had some technical difficulties, and i got a little upset, and i went to hide in the bathroom, and some hipster kid came and said some horrible things to me.

but today, i woke up with Billy Corgan's voice in my head and he was telling me 'tonight, tonight... we'll crucify the insincere, tonight.'

and we'll start the crucifixion with "The Opposite of Hallelujah."

i liked that quote a lot. i am struggling to get through some technical difficulties of my own that have me somewhat upset. the man in charge of my senior seminar told me last week that "i'm flirting with disaster," that i "should decide if [i'm] going through with this" and that if i don't turn in my lit review (a task i've found pointless, tortuous, and disempowering) by Monday (TOMORROW!) i am not going to graduate in May.

well, sir, let's begin the crucifixion...
-stephan!e


mp3's:
Tonight, Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins [yousendit]
The Opposite of Hallelujah by Jens Lekman [right click save as (from Secretly Canadian)]

Jens Lekman concert videos

from my dreamy trip to chicago. oh how i wish i could travel back in time, to this night, rather than live the sad present (i was told i wasn't going to graduate...)

sipping on the sweet nectar of my memories,
stephanie

strange times in my life

i don't have time to write a review of the show in chicago that would give Jens full justice, as i was told today for the second time this semester i may not graduate. so, as i try to focus on lit review, lit review, lit review, please read this review i found, which is more or less an accurate recounting of the glorious night that was the Jens Lekman concert in Logan Square Chicago. [the only major point i must contest: the "Pocketful of Money" encore was one of my favorite moments of the whole night. it's one of the first songs i ever heard of Jens' and i remember going "whoa. this is good. what is this?" it sent chills down my spine to hear it performed live!]

video and more fotos soon, i hope!
-stef

===

Oh, Jens. Only you could pull me out of my enclave on a cold, cold night after I’ve spent the entire day on an airplane. And you can scold me for doubting how your intimacy would translate to a venue the shape of a high school gymnasium. You pulled it off and, dare I say, it was the most glorious show I’ve ever seen you do.

I was to the left side of the stage when a burly bouncer told us all to back up as the band were coming through. And they did so in a perfect line of heavenly white and smiles. My excitement woke me up.

Taking the stage in matching white patent lace-up shoes, various white smock tops and dresses and button down shirts, and appliquéd birds, it was Jens and the girls (ok, and Viktor Sjöberg fiddling on a laptop occasionally over there in the corner) here to slay us all. Even though I miss those cozy shows with Jens and two or three others singing softly to us, with the addition of strings and brass, his songs are given the glorious treatment they deserve live.

He played many songs off the new “album” (I hesitate to call it an album as his full-lengths are always compilations of songs, and with “…Kortedala” I had heard a number of the songs in different incarnations previously). “The Opposite of Hallelujah” sounded magnificent. His rambling intro to “Nina, I Can be Your Boyfriend” made everyone collapse in giggles. The way “It Was a Strange Time in My Life” bled into “ Black Cab” caused us all to jump in glee. He didn’t kill the party this time, oh no.

There was a funny moment after the second or third song where Jens told us about the bad ending he’d had to the night before in Cleveland. Apparently some hipster dude had hurt his feelings with misplaced words! Poor Jens had a fitful night’s sleep, but woke up with the sound of Billy Corgan’s voice in his head, “We’ll crucify the insincere tonight…” And with that, Jens didslay the insincere with his songs this night.

In addition to a crisp, uniformed front, the band treated us to a few choreographed moves. It was early in the set that a soul breakdown came on through the laptop in the middle of a song, and Jens and the band beckoned at the audience in a come hither fashion. Ooh. Then during “Sipping on the sweet nectar", the music stopped, a programmed beat came in, and the entire band put their instruments down to flail about onstage as if they were airplanes. How wonderfully appropriate! How I wanted to join them!

“ The Cold Swedish Winter” made the sold out crowd go utterly quiet. I struggled to keep my eyes from spilling over. Who doesn’t want someone to hold through the cold winter nights? And in “ Maple Leaves,” you’ve got to wonder just who is denying Jens.

I think the band played two encores. It finally came down to just Jens and his guitar (reminiscent of the edge-of-the-stage serenades of yore by him and his ukulele). The last song he played was “ Pocketful of Money;” certainly not one of my favorite songs. But the audience sang the deep voice sampled on the song’s record, and it became a call-and-response between us and him, going on and on. When it finished, Jens told us that he’d said to Washington, DC that their rendition was the best, but he confirmed that we had now ousted them!

Viktor took to his laptop after Jens left, and a few people stayed around to dance and see what our darling Swede was up to. He graciously signed loads of posters and took even more pictures, newly bedecked in a grey suit and black scarf. Apparently he even capped off the night with some more strumming and singing at somebody’s house which, of course, I am sorry to have missed, but I am grateful for every experience I have with Mr. Lekman.

jag älskar dig, Jens Lekman

(i love you, Jens Lekman.)





so the show was aMAZing, of course, and Jens was delightful and charming, as i knew he would be. i have tons of videos to share and pictures galore to blow up and plaster walls with, just let me know if you have blank canvases.

oh, and afterward i met him and we talked and he signed a poster for me and asked me how i spell my name and then he said "Stephanie" in a delightful Swedish accent, and i thought i was gonna die or tell him over and over again how much i love him, but instead only managed to say "your set was wonderful" and then i practically floated all the way home on the train, and i wasn't even mugged walking back in the dark!

if dreams were delicious food, i'm in a food coma right now.
-stephanie

this is the dream of Stephanie Lee

dear gentle readers,

it's been a mission of mine - one not so much chosen as thrust upon me by the coincidences of the universe and time - to see Jens Lekman perform, ever since i missed his Pitchfork performance to accompany my friend Dylan as he slowly ate his breakfast at the pancakes house - i ran 3 blocks to the festival from the train stop only to catch the last half of Black Cab - a moment that still makes my heart quiver with sadness and regret.

then i discovered his blog last summer and felt like i'd found a long-lost friend. you know how kids feel misunderstood, they just want someone to talk to, to not feel judged, to feel less alone? that's how i felt when i discovered Jens' music. our lives were coinciding and he was providing a soundtrack - i was unhappy with school and life which had become routine, Jens was sad in his neighborhood and thinking about moving out. i found a ditty kind of delight in his writing, felt less alone for it, and wanted to feel that way all the time. for a whole month maybe, the only thing i wanted to hear in the morning was Jens singing about Jehovah's witnesses and casanova sweaters. it put me in a swing-song kind of mood. it made Sweden seem like the happiest place on earth, if Jens was there.

so here we are now. a year and a half since that moment i ran gasping over the Union Park lawn to realize i was madly in love with the sound of Jens Lekman and his boppy pop band. and now, in a matter of mere days, i will be living in a dream: i was so close to having to give up, when i couldn't find a friend to drive with me to chicago for the weekend, and all the trains and buses from Cincinnati to Chicago were leaving either too early or too late, and very expensive. i was ready to book a 3 am train out of indiana on wednesday to make it to chicago. and then i had no where to stay! the hostels were booked, completely full, and none of my contacts in chicago got back to me. even then, i considered sleeping in parks and on benches, in dark alleys, sleeping in all my clothes and using my backpack as a pillow. the way i saw it, Jens is coming all the way from Sweden to play his songs, i just need to make it to chicago. i had to find a way.

i've had a series of happy coincidences fall upon me: i met with my thesis advisor on Monday morning and told him how i was stressed trying to get work done before i try to catch a 3 am train to chicago. and then he said he was also going to chicago with his wife that weekend and could give me a ride! wow, that's fantastic! i can go up on Thursday and come back with them on Sunday! wow and gee, a weekend in chicago!! this is amazing.

then, i go to try to find a place to stay. i check all the hostels - all full. i'm freaking out, where to go? i email the Western Alum listserv and a friend i know is working at the school of the art institute, and soon enough, i have 3 potential places to stay - with my friend Dave in the loop (that's prolly where i'll end up), my friend Eric who works for some law firm and treated me to heirloom beets when we first met 2 summers ago when i was working at the Field Museum, and then my friend Jason who teaches in Chicago and lives practically across the street from the venue where i'm seeing Jens (where i'll prolly crash on Friday night rather than try to take a train or bus back to the loop from Logan Square - that's how i got stranded in a really bad part of town at 3 am one night 2 summers ago and had to wait at the side of the street for the buses to start running again at 5 - not fun!)

i've been getting calls out of the blue from ppl in chicago looking for indymedia. it's been 2 years since i worked there and suddenly i get 2 calls from people in the last 3 days asking for help on audio podcasts. weird!

there's changes being made to the CTA this weekend, i'll be there right before they put the new fares into effect.

and the weather in chicago is looking beautiful this weekend.

and, i just discovered that both Broken Social Scene AND Sunset Rubdown are playing in chicago this weekend! what are the odds??!

the universe wants me to go to chicago this weekend.
-stef

"trundling" along

i went to the grocery with my friends Brandon and Will today and we spent some time perusing the ridiculous selections in the trashy romance section before we purchased some canned goods to donate to the Oxford Family Resource Center. i think my favorite title was "Déjà You" and my favorite use of a verb was "trundled," as in "she trundled over to the car where Danny waited..." - which is not an incorrect usage, but all i could think of at the time was "trundle? as in trundle bed...?"

[...]

image credit: Neko Case

i feel like my mind has been begging me for a break all week. it busted its hump to get me thru the GREs, and now that i'm back with one less thing to worry about, it's all "you want me to do what?!", giving me attitude, doing what my bro calls "back-sass."

we've had a difficult understanding. i agree to give my mind some rest, some well-deserved TLC after a week of hard work and productivity. my mind in turn gives me some great stuff when i need it: being inventive and creative when i least expect it, discovering nuances in mundane things, rising to the occasion in the high-pressure moments before a paper is due, remembering to think of others and also looking out for me. but lately, i've been asking a little too much from it, and my mind is beginning to rebel against me.

in high school, i knew how to love my mind better. i'd let it rest every night, which it loves to do. i'd let it have fun, we'd watch movies, i'd treat it to a good book now and then, and we'd do a morning crossword or some Calculus problems, just to keep each other on our toes, so to speak. things were slow and steady, and we were communicating and checking up on each other. we were happy.

but lately, there's so little time in the day. i find i'm constantly cutting corners in order to make time, overlapping things to make sure everything gets done. my mind hates me for this. it likes to take its time, to be careful and precise, to be perfect and exacting. it doesn't like me when i expect so much out of it but don't give anything back in return. i promised we'd watch some Arrested Development together and look for dominant, oppositional and negotiated codes together, for fun, but i never followed through because a certain project was taking too much of my time and energy.

my mind went on strike this week. it's feeling overworked and underappreciated. it has a right to. i've been pushing it, asking it to stay up late and wake up early, to focus on a million things at once (my laptop has over 20 documents open on it, my browser has 14 tabs open in each window, there are books opened to various pages spread on top of one another all over my desk and bed), and it hasn't had a vacation since August. it's reminding me that the last time it watched a really good film was ... it can't remember. and i can't either.

it especially doesn't like my false promises. i tease it with the possibility of some amazing music (i got the new Radiohead this week, along with Dirty Projectors and Phosphorescent), only to force earplugs upon it. i tried to take it for a bike ride today, only to have our time interrupted by some Students for Staff questions, and soon enough i found myself asking it to think about things again, even while i was enjoying the wind in my hair, the sun on my face. it wasn't fair.

so tonight, it's telling me stop it stop it jesus fuck STOP IT.

it wants me to start appreciating it, before it leaves me for real.

so today, i finally learned to listen.

i'm putting in a movie. and we're listening to some trip hop when this is all done.
-stephan!e

i'm hungry for the nice sound, HOKAY??!!

this is the most genius piece of crazy i have ever seen:



(Ola Podrida's video for "Lost and Found")

absurdly delightful.
-stephan!e


p.s. as if i couldn't find enuf reasons to love him, i find another: David Wingo composes scores for David Gordon Green films. oh, love, love, love.
p.p.s. check out Dancing Ivan's website and welcome yourself to the wonderful world of Bulgarian dance!

i don't understand life sometimes...

i come home yesterday to check my email. i see an unread message titled "On Joey." i open it up and this is what i find:

From: William J. Gracie, Jr.
Dean, School of Interdisciplinary Studies/Western College Program
To: The Western Community

I deeply regret having to write with very sad news: Joey Eger, a junior Western major, was struck and killed by a train in Oxford early this morning. Joey¹s death was confirmed in mid-afternoon today...

that's where i stop. what day is it? what time? how long have i been away? what steps did i take? what was the last conversation i had, the last glance exchanged, the last thought, the last sensation on my face? when was the last time? when? where? what? why? why? always, still, continually: why?...

i watch as a plug is pulled, memories suddenly - rapidly - draining away. and a ghost is formed...

death confuses me. but life is no more certain. it doesn't seem fair to have such trivial thoughts when there is so much pointless loss occurring around us. be it accidents, or pointless wars, or suicides or illness, i don't understand...

it seems such a delicate thing. so much precious energy moving in such fragile bones and gentle flesh. suddenly limp, disappeared, evaporated.

where do we go?
-stephanie


to the sparkle-eyed boy who lived above me, who i'll never forget meeting because his room emitted a bright blue glow, because he was blasting Backstreet Boys' "As Long as You Love Me" on his stereo system the first time we met, and because he had one of the kindest hearts around. let us remember Joey Eger, and his life. and let us not cry or be sad, but laugh and celebrate the energy and good humor he once graced us with.

unfortunately (or fortunately) this is my only picture of Joey. that's him on the left, making a face that never fails to make me laugh out loud. that's Joey for you, always putting a smile on your face.

rest in peace, friend.

Lacanian Others: on love and the movies

"there are three absolutes: Life. Death. and Love."
- Dr. C.P. Gause
---
"i'm a thief, and a liar."
"it's OK. i like you anyway."

---

it's hard to say what makes you love someone. i'm beginning to suspect love is something we created in the movies. every date out on the town getting dinner and drinks is reenacting something they saw on the screen. every move is a reflection of something they've seen. this isn't reel life, this is reality.

are we doomed to search for these projected loves, extant in only the collective imagination of our generation? will we lose forever in these battles because we haven't learned that the enemy is our selves?

we are searching for ideas, images, tautological feelings we've been conditioned to want, by advertisements and soaring movie soundtracks. we're trying to live the dream, to live what we see, to feel, to be. we internalize these ideas, then become frustrated when our "Others" don't project the images we'd had in mind. is that love?

the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan said that love is the thing we don't have that we are trying to give to someone who doesn't exist. in other words, a null set between the self and a nonexistent other... so sad, but canonical post-freudian psychology!

[mp3's, yousendit]
The Idea of You - The Neo-Futurists.
Our Life Is Not a Movie, Or Maybe - Okkervil River.


-stephan!e

catching up

dear friends,

all the studying over the weekend must have worn me out. i went in to take a practice GRE, yesterday, and started falling asleep. i really struggled getting through it, and it wasn't even a real practice (there were no essays, but 2 verbal and 2 math). nevertheless, looking at my results now, i did better when i started falling asleep. so, maybe that's reassuring? i got a 1300 overall. *shrug*

i came home to plant a tree, join some friends for a cook out, got sick from the smell of burning processed meat, then went on a breezy bike ride with Young William and my friend Kathee. i forgot to tell you, i've been learning to ride without hands, and it's one of the most gratifying experiences of recent memory. learning new physical limits, that's something that doesn't come around a lot, you know? i feel like a kid again, wanting to scream, "look Ma, no hands!" can i show you some time? mayhaps i'll join a circus...

we came back and did gymnastics in the hallway. Dustin and Wendell visited. then we sang songs and rewrote some CCR for better wages. i munched on crackers until i fell asleep at 12... maybe 1? and i just woke up (10:45??!! ack!!), just in time to write and remember i have a meeting with my professor.

always catching up...
-stephan!e

my rendition of CCR here. [mp3 - yousendit]
the quality is shit: the acoustics in my room are poor, the mic on my laptop is not a good listener, my voice is weak, and the guitar is thumpy. but the intention is there...

the heart stops beating

i'm thinking my irregular heartbeats are a physiological manifestation of heartbreak. i exercised today, my heart is not getting any stronger.

"Every time you stop loving someone, your heart loses some of its blush. It vanishes. It's cancelled. & you wonder which of your feelings you'll no longer have the capacity to feel again. How much less am I, today, than I was yesterday?" - from here.

---

i think i'm going to build (or dig, rather) a spooning hole. yeah, that way when i say "i just wanna crawl in a hole..." i can actually follow thru. "say what you mean," you know? think of it as a watering hole, but for spooning. people need a daily dosage of spooning to stay healthy, i think. and this is the perfect way to ensure your daily quotient.

i'm imagining a large pod-like structure. doesn't have to be underground... something lined with soft, nice, gentle things. maybe childhood security blankets. worn out sweatshirts. soft alpaca mittens. purring cats and sleeping bear cubs. and lots of friends and cups of hot tea.

i wish i could crawl into a hole right now.
-stef
10.11.07

friday night lights

SFS infiltrated the Miami University homecoming parade this Friday, with a beautiful show of solidarity (& it looked like Christmas!!!). we handed out AFSCME balloons and candy, and supplemented these with an informational flyer on our living wage campaign.

the float was a collaborative effort, with students and staff getting together 2 weekends in a row to plan, paint, assemble and build a replica football field, complete with a Sargent Pepper-ed audience of SFS members past and present.


we whooped and hollered, whistled and honked, whirred a siren and clanged a bell, while chanting to announce our arrival:
"everywhere we go-oh, (everywhere we go-oh - it's repeated)
people wanna kno-ow,
whooo we aaaare,
so we tell em:
WE ARE THE UNION!
THE MIGHTY MIGHTY UNION!
working for JUSTICE!
justice for workers!"

it was a lot of fun, and a great way to get the word out on a living wage.

SFS is working on a lot of these this year, finding creative and dramatic ways of inserting ourselves into the school's wider culture. as our activism has been interpreted as counter-cultural in the past, it's fun to play with expectations this year and appeal to a wider audience thru creative means.

-stef

on hi-at-us

hey!

so, there's a lot going on! oh-so-much is going on! i can't believe i'm still a student sometimes, it's like i'm juggling 2 jobs and 5 obligations, and it just becomes too much to remember to do homework too!

well, there's SFS, which is taking loads of time, what with the living wage committee and research, funding meetings and negotiations, our weekly meetings, planning organizing retreats, applying for grants, and then having to build a homecoming float??!!

and then there's Campus Progress, for which i need to start becoming more available to help regional rep's with their projects, need to organize some projects of my own, and then there's 2 films or documentaries waiting for me to pick them up at the package center (and later screen!), that have been sitting there for weeks because they just keep coming and i don't have the time nor means to pick all of them up any more!! (there are 4 total boxes and packages for me. that's too many to carry on a bike or in my arms...)

oh, and then there's senior project, which fills me with self-loathing because i can't understand the intricate ways in which all these steps are supposed to help me write the paper i basically already wrote. wha??

and then i have to apply for Teach For America, before they won't accept me any more, and i haven't even begun thinking about my personal statement!

there's also my obligations to Talawanda High School every week as a volunteer in their Extra Time Extra Help program. soon the weather will be colder, making my bike rides to the school a little less pleasant. (but thank goodness for Autumn!)

and then, i'm teaching a class next semester! which requires a lot of planning and paperwork and all sorts of bureaucratic gymnastics, as i'm trying to draw a diverse group of students with institutional incentives and perks. and the fact that i'm teaching a 300-level undergraduate seminar makes me feel less and less like an undergrad each day. and as i'm spending so little time in a classroom these days, i am forgetting that, oh yeah, i am still a student, and i still have to graduate and figure out a future for myself.

which brings me to the fact that i'm taking the mother-effing GREs in less than 2 weeks and i have yet to understand what i'm getting myself into!

am i forgetting anything? i've been working early mornings at the radio station during the NPR fundraising drive, which is exciting and fun and a love fest, obviously, but also has me kinda exhausted.

put all these things in a blender, what do you get? one really frazzled undergrad who's had weird heart palpitations every five minutes for the last 1.5 days. at first i thought it was a happy thing, kinda like butterflies in the stomach, but like skipping in the heart. but then i realized that maybe it was a not-so-happy thing and maybe i should take 'er a little easy...

but as my friend Jens Lekman once wisely advised me [in an email about love and relationships more than heart tremors of the life-threatening or stress-induced kind]:

"if your heart is small and fragile then you need to start exercising. pump it up !"

tremors!
-stef

the final draft

here is the finalized course description for WCP 333, "Education for Social Change", or, as i will explicitly call it now: The Activist Subversion of the Miami Plan.

----

Do you dream of changing the world? Do you want to meet other people who do? Do you want to get course credit (and have fun!) while pursuing your dreams?

As you prepare to register for Spring semester classes (priority registration begins Oct. 11 at 7 am!), I hope you will consider taking the student-initiated Interdisciplinary Advanced Seminar: "Education for Social Change" (WCP 333).

I am working with Dr. Nick Longo, of the American Studies/ Educational Leadership departments and director of the Wilks Leadership Institute, to develop an exciting new class that will challenge the conventions and expectations of the traditional classroom, as we examine democratic and popular education, their histories, theories, philosophies, practices, and applications. We will look at the role of education in society, examine and reflect on our own educational experiences (through multi-genre and multi-media creative projects), and use this as an entry point to engaging in social change.

I started this class out of my own passion for activism and desire to "change the world," and because I believe that significant social progress can take place in our lifetime, if we are empowered and encouraged to create it. I believe education provides this hope, and I believe the critical-democratic practices of popular education in particular will free students to pursue their dreams. Students in this class will thus "learn by doing," practicing democratic education in the study of it.

If you are interested, or have questions, feel free to contact me.

Hope to see you in the Spring!
-Stephanie Lee
WCP 2008

Students for Staff Fair Labor Action Band

as a result of the weekend i spent at Highlander earlier this year, SFS has taken a decidedly more innovative approach to our actions this year. namely, we've created a Living Wage band that has met a few times, adapting popular songs with living wage-related lyrics.

my friend Will and i got together tonight and recorded really rough demos of 2 of our living wage songs, to the tunes of "Heart of Gold" (1) and the classic by Pete Seeger, "We Shall Overcome" (2)

i've uploaded them to the internets, if you'd like to download and laugh along:
1 - "Living Wage"
2 - "In Solidarity"
[both files are yousendit, click on link and download from there]

the "in solidarity" one is particularly ridiculous. it gets particularly more ridiculous around 3:30.

p.s. the sound quality is shitty. we recorded in my room, with my laptop mic, and i'm still a beginner at guitar.

-stef