"i shall name one Marvin, and i will train him to go directly for the testicles!"

that piece of carrot is really the remainder of a disembodied finger...
but where's the body? HE ATE IT.

wtf? you ask. intrigued? that is a quote from a conversation with my dear friend Brandon (read on...)

you see, senior project does some horrible things to people. mostly, there's a feeling of disempowerment, overwhelming depression, occasional health problems and feelings of self-unworth. there are also, in extreme cases, feelings of surprising hatred and violence. as Brandon put it, senior project "makes me want to commit heinous acts!" (you're not alone, B. you're not alone...)

the salve for such tough times? flesh-hungry hamsters. that's right. rodents with the insatiable taste for mammal blood.

Brandon: [sr proj] makes me want to commit heinous acts. and that is all i have to say about that!

me: INDEED

11:59 AM did u finally turn in sr proj?

Brandon: yeah, and bill apparently wrote back within three hours. i made the stupid mistake of just opening it and reading what he had to say

me: oh no

Brandon: which was basically 'get rid of your first 25 pages and then we'll talk'

me: how is it he read the whole thing in 3 hours?

WTF?

12:00 PM

what's wrong with yr first 25 pages??

he can't just say that, wtf

Brandon: sooooo i dont even know

im going to try not to dwell on it though. i was quite pleased with my paper, actually. something i wasnt expecting

12:01 PM me: well that's good, as long as you like it

did he send back comments?

Brandon: yeah

i could actually hear him yelling them as he was typing them. they weren't just little fixes and whatever. they were things that you could easily tell were being yelled in all their glory

12:02 PM me: oh geez, that's how his comments to my first 30 were...

yep, he's a yeller...

12:03 PM he should be put down ... like Old Yeller

take him out back to the shed...

12:04 PM Brandon: there is one part where he actually sounds kind of dumb though...in my intro at the end when im talking about what's going to be in each chapter, i didn't really go into detail on the chapters i hadn't started yet, i just wrote sentences that were place holders like "in this chapter i'm going to talk about blah blah and blah' and he wrote this really nasty comment about how paragraphs can't be one sentence long as if i didnt already know that

we should feed him to a bear

12:06 PM me: i hate those stupid comments he makes

like, he really thinks we're children

12:07 PM that we haven't learned that paragraphs aren't one sentence long, or that we don't know how to use spell check (something he actually accused me of)

i mean, we're college students, give us a LITTLE credit

12:08 PM he inspires violent urges in me

12:09 PM Brandon: seriously. one of my favorites is there is something grammatically that i was doing wrong, and it happened like 3 or 4 times in my paper. the first time he just pointed it out and im like okay, i'll fix that but then for the other times it happens he gets like more and more violent with his responses, as if i heard him while he made his first comment and was too stupid to do anything about them at the time

me: HA

yeah, definitely seen that before

12:10 PM

i want to unleash flesh-hungry hamsters on him

12:11 PM Brandon: flesh hungry hamsters would be QUITE delightful!

me: maybe i'll do that instead of writing my paper then... it seems a more worthy use of time

12:12 PM

if i got some hamsters now, and gave them a taste for mammal blood, they'd be raring to go by the time school started again

Brandon: this is a good point you make

12:15 PM me:

12:16 PM i'll spend some time making harnesses for them too, so i can unleash them en masse

swarming, like a flesh-hungry twitching rodent blanket

doesn't that sound delightful??

Brandon: yes. a living blanket of flesh eating fuzz

12:17 PM with eyes only for Bill

me: wow, suddenly i'm much more excited about the school year beginning again

12:18 PM Brandon: ahhh!! and then bill has the audacity to end his email with 'good luck' ooooooh go fuck yourself bill

[15 minutes later...]

me: alas, back to the project...

enjoy boston

glad to see u made it safely

Brandon: thank you! and good luck with all the shit

me: it was a pleasure dreaming of flesh-hungry hamsters with you!

Brandon: inDEED!

i look forward to the day

me: mmhmm

12:26 PM i shall name one marvin, and i will train him to go directly for the testicles!

Brandon: yes please!!

me: oh, poor marvin...

Brandon: it's a worthy sacrifice

me: indeed

12:27 PM tho it may be too late, as i believe the seed of his loins has already been sewn

Brandon: really?

me: how, you ask? MAGIC

Brandon: thats not something i want to be picturing

me: i don't believe it's human, it can't be

it's at least half EVIL

Brandon: probbaly at least 3/4 evil

12:28 PM because bill just has that much to give