liveblogging the Oscars

Best Actress winner Marion Cotillard, looking radiant - her speech was definitely the highlight of the evening, in my honest opinion.

screw Carpetbagger. this snarky chick and her snippy friend Brandon had our own little (unplanned) blog-fest for the 80th Academy Awards!

while i sat in my room with the telly on, a cup of peppermint tea in hand and my senior project books spread around me, Brandon and i chatted back and forth about the Oscars, facial hair, and it was a love fest!

so here are the Oscars, as experienced thru our unabashedly snarky commentary:

me: hi, are u watching the oscars?

10:15 PM Brandon: yeah

me: i LOVE marion cotillard

her speech nearly made me cry

she is so gorgeous

Brandon: yeah, seriously. I think i would have been funny if any one of those ladies had won

*would have been happy

i can't think

me: ha

10:16 PM yeah, agreed, but i really wanted her to win the most

well, and julie christie too, but more cuz she's old

Brandon: yeah...I dont know why she was so surprised. She was who i was expecting haha

julie christie was incredible though in that movie

me: yeah she was

Brandon: she definitely deserved it as well

10:17 PM and I really liked Cate's reaction

me: yeah i love her!

Brandon: she looked so incredibly happy for Marillon it was ridiculous

me: i loved how she was so thrilled for Marion

yeah, haha

Brandon: i dont know what is up with my typing tonight

me: mine was like that this morning

i was hitting all the wrong buttons

and saying words i didn't mean

ok wtf

10:18 PM it seems like Jon Stewart is trying too hard to be funny

OMG is Glen Hansard going to sing??!!

10:19 PM YAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!

Brandon: holy fuck that was a huge orchestra for that one little intro part lol

10:20 PM me: yeah, haha

i think it's the orchestra that plays the exit music too tho

oh, and Glen is sans beard

i hope they win the Oscar

i feel like they deserve it more than the other acts so far, which have been kinda shitty to be honest

10:21 PM i love how Glen is playing his beat up guitar too

10:22 PM aw, they were cute

10:23 PM Brandon: jack nicholson, however, is not lol

he kind of seems like the ultimate creeper to me

me: yeah, i think that's kinda a persona he's cultivated over the years

10:24 PM wow, some of these older movies look AWFUL

Brandon: thats what makes them so good lol

me: aw, it's the Dragonheart theme!

Brandon: i love bad old movies

me: i LOVE that movie

i really want to watch it now

10:26 PM ok, wtf, Oliver! was a best picture?

and Rocky?

that seems wrong

Brandon: i FUCKING love amadeus!

i had no idea that was a best picture

10:27 PM that makes me so happy

10:28 PM me: i love that movie too

it's so creepy

7 minutes

10:36 PM me: that was weird how they zoomed in on Nicole, rather than the guy who was actually getting the award

wow, the camerawork here is ridiculous

it's EVERYWHERE

Brandon: yeah...this is what one of my friends wrote in his live-journaling of the event:
10:32 -- What the fuck is that diamond necklace-ish thing hanging off of Nicole Kidman? I'm sure it's worth a bazillion dollars, but it's only favoring one of her titties and it looks so weird.

10:37 PM me: oh no, are they going to play the music on him?

haha

Brandon: i dont think they play the music for the special people awards

me: it does look a little chintzy

i hope not

but they might as well since they're not focusing the camera on him

it seems like no one there is listening

10:38 PM Brandon: haha! they should showed this old guy who was sleeping lol

me: haha

10:40 PM this is horrible, i'm not getting anything done b/c the tv is on

Brandon: me neither...I decided to instead try to catch up on some of my photo uploading lol

10:41 PM me: ooo that at least sounds like a useful way to spend the time

10:43 PM wow, i haven't seen any of these foreign lang films!

Brandon: I really wish there was an easily accesible way to see the foreign language films and short animated features

me: agreed!

shorts are esp hard to find

10:45 PM Brandon: I know i hate that

I would love to be able to see them but i have no idea where to find them

10:46 PM me: i love how they take the time to make the song performances so elaborate

Brandon: yeah...these are ridiculous productions

10:47 PM me: Once's wasn't

Brandon: not at all lol

it was just the two of them and their little instruments

and everything else...HUGE production values!

me: + a wall of guitars, but they weren't dancing

10:48 PM they coulda added some pyrotechnics at least

i mean come on!

10:49 PM i like how John Travolta just waltzed in

because u're a song and dance man, John!!

"Falling Slowly" ftw!!!

10:50 PM Brandon: if august rush wins i won't be AS upset as if enchanted wins

yay!!

me: YAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!

Brandon: she's so effing young

me: oh they're so cute!

how old is she?

Brandon: i think it's more disturbing than cute lol

10:51 PM she's 19 now i think...and they 'fell in love' when she was like 13 or something

and he's like in his early 40's now i think

me: whoa, weird

10:52 PM and i like how she didn't even get to speak

HA, 'male menopause'

you mean a hot flash, Steve?

10:53 PM Brandon: i love steve [spielberg] lol

me: i like chatting while we watch the oscars, it makes it more fun

Brandon: it's ALMOST like watching them together lol

10:54 PM me: hah

Brandon: which i guess we just should have done in the first place!

but i didnt know you were going to watch them

10:55 PM me: yeah, we probly should have watched them together

u're still welcome over, if u'd like

tho i thought u were doing homework

Brandon: oh gosh no!

i never do homework anymore lol

i will probably try to get something done after the show though

10:56 PM me: yeah, in like another hour?

or are they already almost over?

Brandon: im not sure

me: i have no idea what's been announced

i haven't even really been paying attn

did they do the shorts?

10:57 PM Brandon: yeah

me: aw, that's so cute that they're letting her say something

Brandon: yeah, her microphone got cut off i guess

too bad it has to be done so awkwardly lol

10:58 PM me: yeah, seriously

but she was well-spoken

HAHAHA

that was the BEST anecdote EVER

"let's have them kiss"/"but they're both guys!"/ "but this is Hollywood!"

10:59 PM Brandon: yeah, they're cute

11:00 PM me: they didn't do the lead actors yet right?

i think that's one of the last ones

Brandon: they did supporting, and lead female

me: maybe before the Best Pic

yeah they did all the actress oscars

who won supporting again?

11:01 PM Brandon: i cant remember right now lol

me: i can't either...

Javier Bardem!

he won one...

Brandon: oh, and tilda swinton

me: oh, right
[commercial break...]

6 minutes

11:07 PM Brandon: i love eli stone!

11:08 PM victor garber makes me so happy, and he sings in the show and it's delightful

and the lead actor is rather dapper

me: really?

i was just going to say how awful that show looked, haha

Brandon: i also love amy adams

I just really like shows that have a fantastical edge to them

like pushing daisies

11:09 PM me: yeah, she's cute

ooo i hope the guy from Radiohead wins [the best original score]

Brandon: im really surprised i haven't really heard much about the kite runner

me: oh, nevermind... [Radiohead guy not nominated]

yeah, me too

11:10 PM Brandon: it didnt seem to get any kind of attention at all when the book was so huge

me: ok, so i think James McAvoy is totally hot

11:11 PM Brandon: he is very easy on the eyes

i think he generally looks better without the scruff though

me: and the voice ain't bad to listen to

agreed!

Brandon: he doesnt really grow good facial hair

it's too patchy

me: it should either be a fuller beard or none at all!

haha

i wonder why he went with the facial hair

Brandon: yeah...you would think SOMEone would let him know it needs to go

11:12 PM me: ha, yeah

Tom Hanks hasn't been in a good movie in a while...

Brandon: that is true

11:13 PM me: was that real-time? [army officers announcing Oscar nom's and winner from Baghdad]

11:14 PM or did they record that in advance u think?

Brandon: i have no idea...i wasn't really paying attention

i feel like real-time would be risky

but otherwise it would hurt the secrecy thing i would think

me: that's what i'd think

11:15 PM hm, i really want to see this doc short now

Freeheld (note to self to look up later)

11:16 PM hm, lots of war movies

do u think Sicko will win?

11:17 PM Brandon: i have no idea...it's the only one i've heard of, but there's kind of a general anti-michael moore thing, so who knows

me: yeah

wait which one is this?

i don't even fell like they announced it earlier, haha

Brandon: haha

11:18 PM yeah i dont know

that was weird...like four people messaged me all at the same time and i have no idea who these people are

me: haha, weird

oh, i think this was the one about Abu Ghraib?

11:19 PM i'm glad u're so popular, haa

oh Elton John, i love him [original song montage]

Brandon: i guess...i dont talk to people i dont know generally speaking though

me: did he win for "Circle of Life"?

that would be fantastic

5 minutes

11:24 PM me: i really want to see Michael Clayton

Brandon: i effing love ratatouille

11:25 PM and i REALLY wanted to see savages

me: and the Savages

Brandon: i'm sad i never knew when it was out

and what the hell is diablo [cody] wearing? lol

me: she looks fun tho

Brandon: well, she was an exotic dancer lol

11:26 PM me: haha, yeah

Brandon: im sure she's VERY fun

wink wink lol

me: let's try to find The Savages somewhere

it looks good

11:27 PM Brandon: I was looking forward to seeing it for a while because i pay VERY close attention to anything laura linney is in, and I never really saw it being released anywhere

me: it seems like it got a really limited release

Brandon: it's not even so much that I'm a huge laura linney fan for her, but she's just always in really really good movies

me: i LOVE laura linney

she's so cute

Brandon: she is really cute

me: yeah, she is

Brandon: i love her face

11:28 PM me: and phil seymour hoffman is great in everything he does too

i like her dimples

she just looks really expressive
[commercial break]

oh god, this new oprah show looks HORRIBLE

11:29 PM lots of exasperated yelling...

Brandon: i didnt realize it was its own show...i just assumed it was something she was doing on her own talk show

i love jack lemmon

me: aw, i LOVE Jack Lemmon

Brandon: haha

11:30 PM me: aw...

ooo [Helen Mirren]'s elegant

Brandon: indeed she is

11:31 PM me: Forest Whitaker is great too

Brandon: she's always seems so poised and distinguished

11:32 PM me: now there's a moustache that should win an oscar [on Daniel Day Lewis's full moustache in There Will Be Blood]

Brandon: MMMHHHMMMM

11:33 PM despite all the horrible reviews, i still really want to see sweeny todd

i just feel like it would be a lot of fun

me: but i hope he doesn't win (daniel day lewis)

i really want to see in the Valley of Elah

i dunno, johnny depp in a musical makes me cringe

ooo, Viggo is delicious looking

11:34 PM Brandon: oooo the little girl with him is adorable!

me: oh, he [Daniel Day Lewis] just looks so smug!

Brandon: i feel like this is pretty much an exact repeat of the SAG awards...it's all the same people winning

11:35 PM at least for the big awards

me: boo

Brandon: oh my god! another random message! what the hell is going on

me: wow, that was an elaborate metaphor

Brandon: indeed it was haha

he's got moxy!

me: yeah, seriously, Brandon, why so popular?

11:36 PM Brandon: i just want to know who these people are!

and how they all have my screenname and why they're all trying to talk to me now

me: weird...

DDLewis shoulda kept his moustache

11:37 PM Brandon: it's pretty old skool

me: he could bring it back

Brandon: he indeed could

5 minutes

11:43 PM me: ooo who do you think for director? [Coens win]

Brandon: i think that was a given

me: oh, i was gonna guess them

really?

Brandon: oh totally

me: i was kinda thinking PT Anderson had a shot

oh they [the Coens] are so boring to listen to tho

Brandon: this movie has won at all the award shows

me: u'd think they'd be more interesting as ppl

11:44 PM Brandon: im sure they'll probably win best picture too

me: yeah, i guess u're right

11:46 PM welp, you called it

Brandon: i guess i should see it lol

although, crash is a movie i probably could have missed

me: it's good

yeah, NOT a fan of Crash

Brandon: me neither

i HATE how much attention it got

11:47 PM me: me too!

who's this guy?

Brandon: i think if it didnt get as much attention i might have liked it a little better, but I think it was way over sold

he's the other producer of the movie

and i LOVE that frances mcdormand married one of the coen's

me: oh yeah, Crash was so totally over-rated

Brandon: i think it's cute

me: really?!

that is cute

i love her too

Brandon: they got married after Fargo

11:48 PM me: which one?

i hope not the smallish one

he just seems jerky

what's up with the Kenny G denouement music?

on the nature of change: skepticism vs. cynicism

as you know, i'm teaching a class called Education for Social Change. this is the 6th week of class, and it's been great and fun for the most part, there are a lot of high's and low's, lots of excitement and disappointments and many more frustrations, but in general i'm really happy to begin developing a critical pedagogy.

the most enthralling part of this whole experience has been the challenge of enacting a critical praxis when many of my students/peers are resistant (after years of conditioning) to taking ownership of their own educations. even after i have attempted to give them the freedom to create a course that would fit their interests, they are reluctant to meet me halfway, frequently reimposing control and authority on me. the challenging part for me has been fostering the determination and dedication to critical-democratic education and encouraging and pushing them to be active students and citizens.

and my efforts have met with occasional success. as i always tell the class, "learning is a process." and a long one, at that. while i am trying to encourage them to develop radical stances toward their educations, they are teaching me the importance of endurance and resilience in the face of an overwhelming systematic inertia when it comes to social change. but, as i told one of my students, change has got to start somewhere. why not here?

what follows is an example of some of the best (and i mean WORST) of my students' reluctance to develop a critical stance. and then, my (rad!cal) response.

x's and o's,
stef

==========
[these posts come from my class's online discussions about their final public projects]

student post:

I'm finding that I'm really not sure how to respond to other people's final project ideas, or what kinds of comments would be helpful for them. None of these projects (including mine, to at least some extent) seem likely to produce much real change in society. They're too small and too unofficial to really be visible or to create anything tangible. And they're too abstract and confusing to the intended audience, and too extremely counter-cultural, to succeed without large-movement backing. In short, it's too much like individual crusuaders charging out there with a lot of passion and not much else, each of us waging our own tiny grassroots war against a system that will roll its eyes at us, if indeed it notices us at all.

Maybe I still don't understand the assignment properly. What exactly are we supposed to do? What is our goal, ultimately? To create some dramatic form of expression about our feelings on our favorite social issue? To scream our passions into the wind, in the most anti-traditional-education way possible? I'm sure we'll all feel very satisfied that we've gotten our hands dirty, done something "real" outside the classroom, etc. But I don't understand how these projects will create any tangible, lasting social change; or even how they will give us the right skills for future social change endevors.

-----

These are good concerns to be having, Leo. Of course social change doesn't happen with a few small actions here and there. It needs to be systemic. But, it's also got to start somewhere. And that's what these projects should signify, some attempt on all our parts to ACT toward the change we want to see.

Too many people sit on their hands and shrug as they watch grave injustices committed around them every day. Why the apathy? Why the inertia preventing us from acting? I'm not suggesting you grab a bullhorn and storm the streets and burn down buildings, but I am asking you to begin PRACTICING a critical democracy.

What does that mean? It means being a skeptic, rather than a cynic. To clarify further: cynicism is fatalistic. It causes you to be doubtful of yourself and the people in your community, it means to resign to an idea of powerlessness, to feel unable to make any difference and so, letting your agency and critical faculties atrophy. To be skeptical is completely different; it requires critical questioning of otherwise accepted opinions and ideas. It is generative, productive, and active, because you are always evaluating the world around you and finding ways in which to insert yourself - be still no more! Action is the critical entrance into actualization! It's exciting, it's here, it's now!

In short, I'm tired of people crossing their arms and complaining. Droopy frown and weak "but"s be gone! Any change at all is still change, and that's exciting!

-Stephanie

my love for you is not enough...

making valentines makes me smile!

happy valentine's day!

surprise, surprise. i'm not usually one to practice commercial holidays, nor do i like it when society prescribes a certain day for the material expression of love for a fellow human being.

but, i am also not one to let that stop me from doing something nice for people, and this year it happened that i decided hand-made, personalized valentines would be a good pick-me-up, for myself, as i enjoy occupying myself with crafts on occasion, and for others, especially some of my friends who have been lamenting their loneliness (some call this moping a FONE - a festival of negative energy. see, they needed some love...)


so i spent some time making non-traditional valentines. that is, they were hand-cut, folded, and sewn - not those cheap perforate-and-fold box set valentines of cartoon characters you find at Walmart - and they were mostly non-traditional colors too - oranges, greens, blues.

a glimpse at my workspace for the first batch of valentines...

it was nice because it gave me good practice with my book-binding materials, and allowed me to experiment with book ideas.

you can see some of the book-binding supplies here, like my awl and my book layout sketches in the orange book - another one of my hand-sewn creations...

here's some of my work:

(front)

(page 1)

(inner message)

(date stamp)

example message reads: "I think you're swell! Let's have some hearty belly laughing bike rides together! SOON!"

another: "I wish I were a vest... So I could be ON you! xoxo, stephanie"

the valentine i made for my boyfriend. and what it said inside:

and my absolute favorite thing? the sailing envelope i made to mail my friend back home her valentine:

(front, sans stamp)

(back)

a finished batch of valentines (look at all the colors and shapes and sizes!):


<3's
-stephanie

great research tool!

yes, i am writing this at 4:54 in the morning. no, i haven't slept yet.

this is because even though i pledged to stay away from computers, i couldn't help the fact that the next 25 pages of my senior project are due in a week and i JUST started seriously devoting time to it again. i finally cleaned up my desk and found a way to set up my laptop so that i'm not constantly hunched over it and cramping my neck and wrists (tho the new set up seems like more of a strain on the eyes, even though i would've suspected distance from the screen would be a better practice. *shrug*)


so i started reading today. and making reading lists. and stacking the books on my reading lists on my desk and surrounding shelf and floor, so that my reading lists have literally manifested themselves into piles of work to do. it's kinda nice having them in discrete piles and knowing i have to work thru them one by one. seeing the piles shift in size makes me feel like i'm spending my time in some productive way.


with an endless soundtrack of pleasant, unobtrusive music (tonight it's been a mix of Joseph Arthur, Sandro Perri, Asobi Seksu, Ben Folds/Five, and now Beach House, which is GREAT for winding down and sinking in) and a stack of post-its, i've been making some headway.

AND, i found this great research tool for my Firefox browser that might've just saved me tons of time and saved my day:

hello friends and scholars -
i wanted to share this computer tool with you. i've found it useful for organizing my research because i've been accumulating so many resources and articles, that i was having a hard time keeping track of how everything connected. i used to keep dozens of .rtf files with url's and article annotations in them, but those became impossible to search and ended up just confusing me!

zotero is great b/c it's like del.icio.us (another links/tags manager) but has more layers for organization and helps you generate citations. and it's more user

friendly than RefWorks (and you can keep using it after you leave Miami). i've found the folders function to be the most useful, since i can bundle online articles

in .doc or .pdf formats and sort them according to which chapter of my thesis i'm writing.

anyway, check it out: http://www.zotero.org/


i hope it helps you with your various projects and saves you some stress.

happy researching,
stephanie

if these seeds could sprout...

good Saturday, gentle humans -

i've been delighted and cheerful lately. the weather has been beautiful, and i'm back to riding my bike everywhere, sitting outside and enjoying gentle breezes, feeling light and lithe not having to wear a heavy coat all the time. i've been sharing great conversations and significant secrets with friends, and in the process, learning so much about them and myself. there's a certain delicacy i'm discovering in everyone, we're thrown together for only so brief a time, and it seems precious to be share these moments of our lives together. i think about the future and how we'll look back on this and smile and cry because of the intimacy of our togetherness.

---

i've kept true to my promise to stay away from screens as much as possible. even when working my job at the computer lab, i've busied my hands, rather than my eyes. i spent 5 hours disassembling a keyboard so i could uncover the dirty little pieces of passed time underneath. like a forensic scientist, i carefully Q-tipped and cotton swabbed the interstices, thinking about the various humans i was wiping away. eyelashes, little beard hairs, pieces of fingernail, dandruff, eye gunk, sweater fuzz, bread crumbs, it's amazing what things settle in the spaces over time...

---

i would consider myself a misanthropist by habit. usually i don't hold humans in very high regard. sometimes human behavior frightens me and discomforts me. i've wanted to trust people and hope that everyone will act out of love, but have found myself frequently disappointed. there are times when i feel incredibly alone, but not necessarily desirous of company. i dunno what i'm trying to say really, just that lately the opposite has been true. i've been extremely happy to be around ppl constantly, and to be close and vulnerable among them. i realize that to be human is a delicate thing, and to be happy about it a very fragile and precious thing.

---

i woke up this morning after sleeping incredibly well (no dreams tho, which is sad because i just bought a new dream journal this week, having written on the last page the other day - a dream about a fight for Middle Earth in my living room, and killing both my boyfriend and my father with a large gun, and then questing for a serum to undo what i'd already done - all the people in my life having died in violent dreams of mine in the last few weeks). i had fleetwood mac in my head and so turned it on as i brushed my teeth and awoke the coffee pot, transformed my work space and cleared and cleaned a space. i am going to be productive and generative and this is going to be the best weekend ever!

---

my friend Dave is visiting from out-of-town, the weather is beautiful today, there's work to be done and i plan to do it, and later, i will be hand-making valentines for friends and family, and tomorrow, Brandon and i have a date to watch Grizzly Man, the most beautiful and delightful movie i've ever seen. it's going to be a good weekend...

-stephanie


p.s. as i write this, i see that i am only 2 visits away from having 10,000 total visitors to the blog since it was created in the summer of 2006. thanks for reading and stopping by, this is absolute madness!

a response from Students for Staff: on the nature of community and dialog at Miami University

in reaction to events surrounding the State of the Student Body Address (Jan. 29, 2008):

On Tuesday, Students for Staff spoke with a full-time staff member at Miami who lives alone and provides for herself by working a second job. Recently, she woke up in the hospital—her blood sugar had plummeted overnight and the sudden drop almost killed her. Now she's afraid to go to sleep. She broke her tailbone last year when a sudden drop in blood sugar caused her to fall, and she crashed her car when her blood sugar got so low that she nearly passed out.

An automatic insulin pump would be enough to prevent these incidents from ever happening again. She and her doctors are trying to get the pump covered through Miami's insurance, but she's been told it will likely be denied. The "market-competitive wages" from the "employer of choice" aren't enough that she can afford the device herself. Even with the addition of a second job, she is still forced to choose between her proper medication and other basic necessities. These are the realities at the heart of our demand for a living wage.

Nevertheless, the university's response to our concerns has been consistently clear: "not now, not here." Most recently, at ASG's Annual State of the Student Body Address, President Hodge said he was disappointed in us for bringing up "our" issue at yet another public forum. This comment followed a speech in which President Hodge commended students for embracing the issues that confront Oxford as a community. In response, we would like to inform President Hodge that poverty is a community issue, and, as community leaders, President Hodge and the administration have the responsibility to pay Miami's hard-working staff what they deserve, not as little as Miami can get away with.

Furthermore, the entire student body was invited to this event and encouraged to ask questions. It reflects poorly on our president's commitment to community if one of the few student organizations that cared enough to come tothe event was denigrated and condemned for voicing community concerns. We would like to inform President Hodge that community must emerge from collaboration and dialog; it doesn't appear overnight with the construction of an $80 million bicentennial student center. It is practically impossible to muster the excitement and enthusiasm President Hodge invoked in his discussion of plans for the bicentennial student center when you remember the full-time Miami staff who must live in extreme frugality because Miami is not paying them a fair wage.

If students' concerns for local poverty and economic justice are consistently unwelcome at student forums and events, when and where will community finally be realized at Miami?

it's a saturday and it's sunny and even tho it's cold, i'm feeling cheerful.

the smoke from the neighboring coal plant is casting huge swift shadows on the nature theatre outside my window and it's making everything feel sped up like in a movie.

i don't know why i'd never noticed before, but the white tree beside my window (perhaps a birch?) is a popular hang-out for flocks of these little brown and green speckled birds, and i was delighted this morning when i looked up and saw a bunch of them hopping around on the branches, sitting real close to each other, cuddling but being silent. i like having a tree so close. sometimes when i look up and see only tree and sky, i can pretend i'm living in a house amid clouds. i wonder if L.A. has birch trees and little speckled birds... (perhaps palmettos and seagulls instead?)


i've been sleeping in and sleeping well. i haven't taken the time to appreciate how wonderfully comfy and cozy my bed could be, but i lay down last night after a fairly long week and just felt so happy to sink my head into fluffy pillows and sheets. sometimes i get homesick late at night, and the smell of laundry reminds me of home and i feel safe.

i've been thinking lately about how much time i spend in front of the computer, or the TV (eventho i don't watch it, it seems to always be on around me!), or just listening to music or the radio. even in the past week, i've watched nearly a movie every other day (i told myself i'd try brushing up again on my film history, and since i didn't get to fit a film studies class into my schedule this year, i'm deciding to do an unofficial independent study). but i've reached the conclusion that i'm constantly over-stimulated! i never even had an email account until i came to college! i didn't get a cell phone until i started driving, which was when i turned 17 and started working at the State Hospital, a mental health institution on the edge of town. now, i check email practically every hour of every day, my computer's always on (i don't even turn it off to sleep any more) and when i'm not physically at the computer, the music is blasting or the TV is turned to CNN so i can watch the presidential debates.

well, today i woke up and brushed my teeth, ate a blueberry muffin and drank some herbal tea, all in the silence of my room. after i write this, i am shutting the computer off, going out to the library to return some books and some DVD's, and then finding a nice quiet place to study and get back to my senior project.

from now on, i think the weekends are going to be minimal technology days for me. yes, that sounds fine. and, i'm going to start book-binding this weekend!

have pleasant week-ends,
stephanie

the precariousness of blogging: thoughts on internet anonymity and authenticity

i got an interesting reality check today, when two of my teach for america contacts called me to discuss my last blog post.

obviously, i was embarrassed. i felt like an utter ass having to talk to future co-workers and/or bosses about my flippant gut-rxn post about their organization (or is it our organization?... i guess i'm part of it too now, which makes me kind of a hypocrite and kind of a horrible colleague...)

then, i was confused: i heard the phrase "media sweep" (apparently Teach For America runs these regularly to see what's being said about them and i got caught up in the dredge [sic] report). later, i checked my sitemeter stats and realized i'd been receiving record traffic to the site today for my latest post, and felt a little overwhelmed at the sudden inadvertent attention my blog was attracting, and a little upset to realize my writing was becoming an issue of concern. (panic would hit later, when it occurred to me if they're reading this, what else are they finding about me? would they disapprove of what i was saying, would they try to censor me, or worse, ask me to censor myself?)

i was suspicious, too. i figured TFA had PR managers (if you're reading this, "hello!") and that they'd eventually catch wind of my blog and would be reading it for clues into my character or political leanings (in fact, it surprises me that i wasn't contacted earlier about it...) but there's something utterly jarring about talking to your future on the phone, and having to discuss your blog. i mean, having a conversation about my blog is always a strange thing for me. even when my friends and relatives allude to my writing here, it startles me. it seems private, even though i know it's not. there's a cathartic purpose to my writing, i leave it here, let it live and let it die, and it's always strange to me to have it brought up in my real life. i know that probably makes little sense, but i think that in many ways the identity i am forging here is different from the one i live day-to-day. maybe more honest, maybe more flippant, maybe freer, less tied down to institutional loyalties and less sensitive to organizational commitments. i guess the internet provides the freedom to publish without having to own up to anything... this is a persona i've created, this isn't me.

i say things here without thinking about how it may affect my life, but maybe even occasionally with the hope that it will. it's a delicate and vulnerable intimacy that i've chosen to share with the world in this public and exposed space. i've always been well aware of the precariousness of such a set-up, but never have i felt so unnerved having to integrate the two parallel worlds i've created for myself. and it seems that lately these are growing ever farther apart from each other.

i mean, i want to teach, and i want to change the world. the only reason i even bothered applying to TFA in the first place was that it seemed like a good way to do both right out of college. i am extremely happy and glad to be invited into the corps. when it occurred to me that i could have been dismissed because of my recent writing, i was devastated and extremely regretful. but, i meant everything i said. only now i realize that i spoke too soon, too dramatically and with too little information. (TFA and Americorps refuse to pay you for hours of political activity done in your free time, but that certainly doesn't condemn political activity in its entirety.)

this is all merely to serve as a public disclaimer* to my previous post. though i meant everything i said about political activity and its importance to one's education, i don't think Teach for America is entirely encouraging political withdrawal (tho, realistically, they should also consider the message they're sending to recent college graduates, who are extremely sensitive to material threats and already possess predilections for political apathy - any threat of disciplinary action against political activity could be the death blow to political progress). and even though their "media sweeping" has me a little unnerved and uncomfortable (uh, "Big Brother" anyone?), i don't want visitors and devoted readers to think poorly on Teach For America and their policies. and of course, i applaud TFA for endeavoring to change the lives of our youth. they're right to recognize that hope for change and progress must occur in the schools.

after all, i'm a company (wo)man now, gotta toe the line...
-stephanie


*disclaimer #2: even with the knowledge that TFA ppl will probably be monitoring my blog on a regular basis from here on, i am going to continue trying to make this a safe space for my expression and reflection.

**disclaimer #3: even after all this, i am most grateful to TFA for having the patience and understanding to excuse my last post, and to have the integrity not to dismiss me after the brash things i said. it truly reflects well on the character and dedication of the program that they were concerned for my feelings and sought to clarify miscommunication, rather than writing me off immediately. i was extremely impressed with them for being so forgiving and understanding, because i know that they didn't have to be. and for that reason, i think we're going to get along, and i am happy and proud to consider myself a part of the corps.

mending the work/play dichotomy

moments after i make the earth-shaking decision to commit the next two years of my life to teaching special ed in Los Angeles for Teach for America, i read their list of rules, regulations and procedures and am appalled to see the following:

"The following activities are prohibited while charging time to an
AmeriCorps program, accumulating service hours towards an educa-
tion award, or otherwise engaging in activities supported by the
AmeriCorps program:
• Attempting to influence legislation (uh, how else are we going to make any real change in the educational system?)
• Organizing or engaging in protests, petitions, boycotts, or strikes (how else am i going to stay politically active and excited?)
• Assisting, promoting, or deterring union organizing (how else are we going to make any real change for the working people in our communities?)
• Engaging in partisan political activities or other activities designed to influence the outcome of an election to any public office (i begin to wonder now if TFA just wants mindless apolitical robots who will be easily programmed to do their blanched apolitical biddings, as it would seem to me this definition could be construed to mean ANY form of political activity... even voting...?!)
• Participating in or endorsing events or activities that are likely to include advocacy for or against political parties, political platforms, political candidates, proposed legislation, or elected officials (seriously? Fall 2008 is going to be one hell of an election, and only the second presidential election i will have been eligible to vote in, and they're asking me to sit on my hands?! they might as well ask me to crawl into a hole and die.)
• Voter registration drives held by AmeriCorps members are unacceptable service activities. (okay... so they're serious. APOLITICAL ROBOTS, DO YOUR BIDDING!)

now i can see why my friend Dylan was so upset to hear i was considering Teach for America. when i told him i got accepted, he replied that he "was glad [i] got in, but sad to see teach for america take another radical peer." i can see why he was worried: in all my work as a community organizer and living wage advocate, even in my undergraduate thesis research, my overwhelming credo has consistently been: you've got to practice what you preach. that is, you have to find a way to blend theory and practice, you have to be a political practitioner. as Paulo Freire said, "this is a radical posture - you can't be neutral on a moving train.

so it saddens me, too, to see that another radical is being subsumed into an apolitical, gutless machine, a fate i had fought so tenaciously and conscientiously to avoid. i've always wanted to find a job that would allow me to practice the political convictions that before were only theories, that would allow me to mend the fissure between work and play, that would be challenging, crucial work that would change the world and that i would enjoy for that very reason.

but, sadly, it seems teach for america is not that dream job, not even close. i wish they'd understand that genuine change and conscientization (which, let's face it, are the ultimate goals of education) don't come from following existing academic standards and policies, but from enacting new ones. nor does self-sustaining systemic social change occur by merely injecting a few well-qualified college graduates into low-income communities to do some "community service"-style work. ending socio-economic injustice requires the dedication of whole communities to changing oppressive systems and their structures, of using education to liberate and empower people (rather than recreate and reaffirm injustices and inequities perpetuated by the very system of privilege and power of which we are products and survivors).

furthermore, i am offended by their suggestion that it takes a deliberate political inertness to be an effective corps member/teacher. this is glaringly wrong! i cannot think of anything low-income communities need more than active political leadership, and who better to provide it than their children and youth? they don't need to be taught to pass tests, they need to be taught to use their voices for change! how can an apathetic, groveling and subservient teacher be any sort of positive role model to youth in a time when what we need most is political change and awareness?!

maybe i should drop out. i could work for a presidential campaign instead, or continue union-organizing. i'm going to burn-out either way, might as well accomplish something...

i've made a huge mistake...
-stephanie

Colin Powell at Miami University and the culture of materialism

from a pro-peace/ending the occupation in Iraq listserv:

"Colin Powell's second visit to Miami University, bookending the Bush administration, brought to us a message that recalls Indiana Jones: Fortune and Glory.

Though Powell's speech laid out a sports metaphor that on its surface seemed positive, underlying the entire talk was a pervasive message that money rules. By means of setting up an introduction of 9.11, Powell spoke of a materialism, vanity and power. He told the story of how upon retiring, for the second time, he didn't know what to do with himself so he bought a car. This was met with much laughter from the audience. He then told us about how he was considered by Time magazine to be aging gracefully--more laughter. Lastly, he said that when asked what he misses most about being Secretary of State he answers--"My own plane."

This story was filled with kings, dignitaries, red carpets, bands playing for him, "adoring crowds," and so on. These three stories seemed to me to be the most powerful of the night. They were distractions from real issues that he could have addressed while at the same time established the importance of money--buying cars, having planes--and looking good. Fortune and Glory. I imagine some might object to my criticism that Powell was being funny, entertaining, but I think such criticism only makes the point stronger. He distracted people from real stories about what it's like to be a General or Secretary of State, the difficulties, the rewards, the work, the decisions, and narrowed all of his experience down to possessions--the things he got out of it.

Later, when Powell outlined the four major issues he sees the US facing, I could not help remembering the earlier stories. So, when he said that government left us--his "young friends"--with some positives, that countries are on playing fields rather than battlefields, he was less than inspiring. The four games being played, according to Powell are 1) economics--we need to strengthen the economy to bring people out of poverty; 2) energy--we need energy to build up economics; 3) environment--careful use of the energy needed to build the economy; 3) education--better k-12 education in order to build the economy. Why aren't those things exciting? Because they're burdened with greed. Those stories about corvettes, Time and airplanes defined Powell's issues. Everything was about what you can get. He ended his speech by telling a story about how he gets free hot dogs from foreigners. It could have made you cry to hear him tell of the sheer pleasure these foreign hot dog vendors get from simply being in America. And Powell, who was paid how much to speak to his young friends, doesn't give up six bucks to help this person? His speech, however, let's us leave feeling that we too can achieve like he did, we can get things, but mostly we should be happy to be Americans."

- Aaren Yandrich

oh YUCK. now i am extremely glad i didn't go to see this Tuesday night. i had made up my mind to go and help my friends protest against the war, was gonna walk across the bitter desolate expanse that is the frozen landscape of the Miami campus to go sit in a stadium full of self-entitled yuppie brats and listen to this jingoist garbage??! thank god insane sinus pressure and debilitating nausea intervened!

i think my pure unadulterated hatred for American jingoism and its close cousin rabid consumerism would have exploded my head and splattered my mucus membranes all over Colin Powell's face. so much for glory, eh?

seriously tho, to hear that he came to Miami to give a speech about the beauty of American capitalism, to urge the (already) materialistic Miami student populace to join him in drooling over and jacking off to the ideas of fast cars, oil, money, youth, power, and fame without shame or conscience, makes me wish i hadn't been too sick that night to go over there and punch him in the neck and groin. what kind of message is he sending to our college students if the only thing he urges them to aspire to is the accumulation of ever more material wealth and wasted potential?

oh, it just makes me so angry. this is exactly the kind of perverted political philosophy i am putting to shame in my senior thesis, but what good is it if the leaders of our nation - and the future leaders, too - are too busy gawking at themselves in mirrors to see that everything is completely fucked?

an image capture from American Psycho - a satire deriding the American corporatism and materialism of the 80s, a fitting analogy that was just too easy to pass up.

Colin Powell and his ethos of Fortune and Glory are a disease and a cancer, and he's only bound to flip that Corvette and pin himself under it.

-stephanie

the world is spinning too fast for me these days...

hi!

sorry it's been so long since i posted anything, but the last week has been insanely busy with meetings (seriously, all the damn time!) and i've been battling a head cold that inflicted me with incapacitating nausea. i stood up out of bed yesterday morning only to fall back on the bed and watch as everything started spinning... now i'm shooting steroids up my nasal cavity so i can maintain my vestibular equilibrium. (in other news, Miami University is now facing a pending epidemic of flu! so the rumor mill says, if ~30 more students are diagnosed with it at the local seedy health center, school's out! dare i say this is one thing i don't mind seeing passed around?)

the problem with violent nausea is that it prevents you from both sleeping and eating. as a result, the light-headedness continues, the wobbly knees are a-knocking, and the days become extremely hard to pass. last night i had fitful dreams, of murderers and death by gunfire (lately all my dreams end with death, sometimes my own. hm...)

my first week of teaching classes was fantastic. the moment i realized my self as a "teacher" and my self as a student/peer/friend were not different, that they'd melded together without any effort on my part, was a breakthrough of the most joyful kind. reading student papers and feeling like my work could fulfill some need ... oh it made my heart sing, i tell you!

anyway, i've got to do some more prep for class tonight, and i need to find something warm to wear! if there's one thing i won't miss about Ohio, it's the awful January weather.

hoping for stable ground,
stephanie

the past is glittering

readers, fans, friends, enemies -

i was packing up my things today in preparation for going back to school, and became somewhat nostalgic, as i am prone to do when preparing to go back to school.

i woke up realizing this was possibly my last break at home with my family as "a child." as i may be spending my spring break in oxford writing my senior project and gallivanting with friends, i felt guilty for waking up as i have on any other day before. this was a significant moment in my life, i wanted it to be recognized with fireworks and somber meditation, you know? next year, at this time, i'll have my first real-world job, i'll be living on my own - i'll be living far away! - i won't be going back to Miami, i'll be flying back to L.A. to go back to my own apartment, preparing to teach classes. how weird the difference a year makes.

---

today my eyes feel tired and dry, like i've been crying all day (but i haven't). i'm sorting thru the mess that's accumulated in my room for the last 22 years, trying to figure out what's important enough to take back, to keep, to tuck away in secret drawers, to give away, to burn, to preserve, to remember, to leave, to live, to let die.

frequently, the most trivial, ordinary things are the most precious. it's the little notes left in forgotten corners, stuck on doors and mirrors and desktops, that linger on bookshelves and in notebooks and letterboxes. these are the mass of my personal affects, the ones i've been collecting and saving to the chagrin of my mother - who finds this practice messy and pack rat-esque, or that my dad sees and dismisses as over-sentimentality. how to explain...

i don't keep a diary any more. my blog is my living document (oh, the digital age...). but there are things - little things - that i don't post here, but these things, when you piece them together, say more about the life i've lived and the people i've met than anything else. after all, it's the little gestures and details that mean the most. it's not a gift someone gives me that i cherish forever, it's the way they laugh when we're together, the way they hold my hand when we're walking together, the way they tie their shoes, their shape in a doorway, the way they muss up their hair when they're stressed, the way they sip their coffee or chew cookies, their walk, their handwriting when they write a note to me compared to when they're making a grocery list and don't care about presentation.

it's these things - these portraits - of my loved ones that i choose to remember and save. i have thousands of little portraits tucked in books and pockets, which, whenever i feel sad, always make me happy to know that i'm truly very lucky.

---

anyway, this is all very funny, b/c the one thing i really meant to post on today was this note i was looking at today when i was packing up my stuff:
it's from the summer, the contextual clues suggest probly from before i went to Mongolia, and i wrote it about my brother. we had just gotten back from a run - he was running, i was riding my bike - and i was ad-libbing this song about him as he ran, joking him for his tanlines. i sang it in a country accent, high and whiny. there were other verses too, but they were forgotten between the street and my room.

i thot it was funny, an endearing moment b/w my brother and i captured on post-it.

i guess i wanted to post about it but turns out i had more to say.

-stephanie

I'M MOVING TO L.A.!

this news is madness!

i found out this evening that Teach for America accepted me, and i will be teaching grades 1-8 in Los Angeles next fall!

i can hardly believe it. i've been sweating the news all break. anytime anyone brought it up, i got all defensive. everyone i know has been saying for the last 3 months, "oh, i'm sure you'll get it steph. you're perfect for it. they'd be crazy not to have you." and i would get really upset, tell them not to say it, b/c i had convinced myself that i messed up in my interview, that i performed poorly on the problem-solving task, that my lesson plan on the difference between farther and further was not impressive or realistic. i didn't want ppl thinking i had it locked in, only to find out later i was rejected.

so, this is why i haven't been sleeping well lately, i think. i've been tossing and turning, dreading the news. what if i didn't get it? what then?

i spent the morning looking for other jobs. a teaching position at a boarding school in Massachussetts presented itself. some thoughts for labor-organizing or volunteering with non-profits crossed my mind. aiding the campaigns in 08 occurred to me, too.

but now, i finally know. and now it seems the next 2 years of my life are planned out. i should be relieved, really, but it seems my anxiety is reaching new directions. i've gotta move across the country, to a city i've never seen, to teach something i'm utterly unprepared to teach, to possibly start a life i'm not ready to start living?

i don't know, it just seems like things are happening too fast for me.

i'm excited, just scared. and trying to think of ways to enjoy my last months as a college student, and really get to know the ppl around me, who i may never see again. i want to know what it feels like to live in the moment, and enjoy it for every drop. i've met so many wonderful ppl where i am now, the idea of moving so far away from it makes me kinda sad. and lonely.

-stephanie

show me something real

there are times in my life when i just need to hold on to something, or be held tightly, to be convinced something is real.

i woke up at 4 am this morning sobbing into my pillow. i haven't been sleeping well in the past week. and last night i had two horrible, really bizarre dreams. i was dreaming of the apocalypse and the presidential primaries, taking acid and kissing old friends in tree houses.


in the first dream everything was dark. i remember vividly watching from inside my house as hail the size of comets tore up the surrounding neighborhood, ripping through concrete sidewalks and leaving holes in everything - like swiss cheese. and everyone was herded into a mall with a glass ceiling so we could see the hail falling and try to duck, but we knew we were all spending our last days trapped inside and the glass was to make us feel some tiny bit of control. i was walking with my mom and dad to find cover when a hail bomb the size of a house fell thru the glass, and while my dad and i ducked out of the way, it crushed my mom and killed her. i woke up screaming "no no no! oh no!" and then in my half-awake state i wrote something down on a note pad by my bed, something about a fear of natural disasters, and how i needed to write a letter to Obama, Hilary and John Edwards to convince them to make environmental issues a more significant part of their platforms. we've got to save my mom... i went back to sleep an hour later wondering if i might have a heightened fear of hail.

the second dream i only barely remember, but i was hiding out in some dilapidated dark building which i sensed was lifted from the ground, and no one else had faces but me and my ex-boyfriend, who was wearing a funny hat. we were slowly shrinking, becoming kids again, but with our adult heads, and we were taking some strange drug together that seemed to be turning back time. we were kissing, which we knew was wrong b/c we both had ppl in our lives now, but because we felt we were going to continue shrinking until we were no longer there (reverse death - becoming younger and younger until finally u're just a sperm and an egg - would it be any better?) it seemed better to hold on to whatever and whoever was around you, than to spend your final moments alone and sad.

i woke up. it was dark. all i wanted was someone to talk to, someone to hold me and let me cry in their arms and tell me things were going to be ok. the sun is going to shine tomorrow, don't worry...

listen: The Waves At Night [mp3 - yousendit] by Phosphorescent

-stephanie

oh yeaaaah...

making good on my promise to make 2008 the best year EVER, i finished writing chapter one of my thesis today, at 10:33 pm. and at 22 pages - plus notes for chapter two, an appendix, works cited page (containing no less than 24 sources) and a table of contents - i have to say, i'm actually quite happy with it.

what's more, i find that i really enjoy grappling with all the complex connections between democracy, education, and market ideology. especially fun was the section on democratic philosophy, in which i got to teach myself about classical and liberal republicanism, having never taken a poli sci class in my life!

anyway, it's done. and i'm half relieved, half scared, because now the brutal waiting begins. will Bill like it? only time will tell... i really hope he does, i slaved away at it, hunched over at my little ottoman desk, my books in piles around me. my back hasn't been the same in weeks!

now i'm stretching out for the first time in days, and taking a real deep breath. i'm cleaning up my space and trying to remember what it feels like to have a life again. weird, really.

let's hope all my effort wasn't in vain,
stephanie

p.s. and what's more, all those creative juices flowing and i finally got a title for my thesis!
"ACTUALIZING THE DEMOCRATIC PROMISE OF AMERICAN PUBLIC EDUCATION." bam, baby!

new year's tidings!

readers,

I'M JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON A POGO STICK AND SHOUTING THIS IN A SING-SONG VOICE!!

WHY? BECAAAUUUUUUSE... I HAVE 15 PAGES WRITTEN AND I HAVE THE NEXT FEW PAGES MAPPED OUT AND THEY ARE GONNA ROCK SO HARD THE BOAT IS GONNA SINK, MAN!!!!

IT'S 2008 NOW - YEAH!! - AND IT'S GONNA BE THE BEST YEAR EVAH!

also, i've been reading my thesis in a thick Texan accent, just on occasion to lighten the mood - something i suggest trying when you're bored.

WOO-HOO YEAH ALRIGHT!
-STEPHANIE